The Chronicles of Clayton Bigsby
Posted in the Columbus Forum
#1 Jun 22, 2013
A blood technician calls to give information to Mr. Bigsby about his recent blood test, but Mrs. Bigsby answers the phone.
The lab technician says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Bigsby were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"
"What do you mean?" said Mrs. Bigsby. "Well, one Mr. Bigsby tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's test is."
"That's terrible!" said Mrs. Bigsby. "Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"What am I supposed to do now?" said Mrs. Bigsby.
"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
#2 Jun 22, 2013
Clayton Bigsby escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, Clayton gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he get angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
#3 Jun 22, 2013
Clayton Bigsby met Tip in a bar. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening she invited Clayton to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Tip began tenderly stroking Clayton's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Clayton comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more? Tip replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine..."
#4 Jun 22, 2013
Clayton was 60, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when a 60 year old man married a 20 year old woman. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate Clayton saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it? Again Clayton said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"
#5 Jun 22, 2013
Clayton's wife comes home to find him shagging the dog in the front room.
"My God Clayton," she screams, "I know you've had other women, but this time you've gone too far!"
"You might be right," Clayton says, "I think I'm stuck."
#6 Jun 23, 2013
After escaping from his overly controlling wife for the evening, Clayton Bigsby sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widower. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Clayton, who was visibly shaken at this news. Clayton stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at his shaking hands.
Clayton took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He looked back, deep into the fortune tellers gaze, steadied his voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"
#7 Jun 23, 2013
Clayton Bigsby who was holidaying from Ohio on a Florida Beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Man, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Clayton hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So Clayton went back to the lifeguard and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Damn, Man!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
#8 Jun 23, 2013
One evening Clayton Bigsby came home from a date, rather sad. He told his mother, "I proposed to her an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" his mother asked.
"Because she told me she was an atheist. Mom, she doesn't even believe there's a devil." His mother replied, "Marry her anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show her just how wrong she is."
#9 Jun 23, 2013
Clayton Bigsby walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" The bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded Clayton.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?
"Yeah, my first blowjob," Clayton answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
Clayton replies, "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
#10 Jun 23, 2013
One day Clayton Bigsby goes to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time he pooped. The doctor told him in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave Clayton a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for his first cleaning.
Clayton took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. Surprisingly, he couldn't get the right angle by himself and called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned out his colon for him when he let out a gasp.
"What is it sweetheart?, asked his wife.
"I just realized," answered Clayton, "that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
Since: Apr 13
#11 Jun 23, 2013
I bask in the knowledge that my words so upset the losers of Topix that they have driven a drooling leftist kneepadding troll from 900 miles away to embark on the ultimate cut and paste mission of his life...using jokes from The Alan Brady Show.
Carry on, Bruce!
#12 Jun 23, 2013
#13 Jun 23, 2013
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked. She grew great boobies!
One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus, when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them, she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
Clayton sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock..."
#14 Jun 23, 2013
It really is quite impressive, isn't it Paco?
#15 Jun 23, 2013
Clayton Bigsby had just totaled his car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, he managed to pry himself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh ChapStick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK sir?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine", Clayton chirped.
"Well, how in this world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" Clayton began, "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
"Uh, sir," the officer said cutting him off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
#16 Jun 23, 2013
Clayton's wife goes in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and Clayton climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
Since: Apr 13
#17 Jun 23, 2013
I certainly can understand why a child like you would think so. It's almost up there with a baking soda volcano science fair project.
#18 Jun 23, 2013
Colby grads aim high.
#19 Jun 23, 2013
A young Clayton Bigsby is helping his mother bake bread in the kitchen when he gets flour all over his face. He spreads the flour around a bit and turns to his Mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy!"
His mother slaps him hard across the face and says, "Go tell your daddy what you just did!"
Clayton goes through the lounge and says, "Look dad I'm a white boy!"
The father grabs Clayton and throws him over his knee and slaps his azz really hard and says, "Go tell your Granddaddy what you said!"
Clayton trots off and finds his grandfather and rather sheepishly says, "Look mum I'm a white boy!" The grandfather grabs the boy, drags him to the bathroom, puts a block of soap in his mouth and begins to scrub his tongue with it before sending him to his room with no dinner.
Later that evening his mother calls him down to the lounge where his family is all seated and says, "Well have you learned anything?"
To which the young Clayton replies, "Yeah I was only white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black bastards."
#20 Jun 23, 2013
Damn! There it is again!
The confirmation code for this post is 6666, for the second time in two days.
It must be the mark of the Topix beast; it must be the mark of George!
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