Dear old friend who's nursing grudge ...

Dear old friend who's nursing grudge won't let go of pain

There are 56 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Feb 12, 2008, titled Dear old friend who's nursing grudge won't let go of pain. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

DEAR ABBY: When I recently moved to Ohio , I left behind a group of dear friends.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

lynn

Brookline, MA

#21 Feb 13, 2008
Moon wrote:
<quoted text>
Whether it is 'truth' depends on the law in his state.
It all depends on where you are.
(unless you are speaking strictly in the old-fashioned Mrs Grundy the busybody sense)
As a legal term it varies from place to place.
If the LW wants to really know he needs to check his own state's laws (or whatever it would be) and see what it says.
Some places if a woman is married when she gets pregnant the baby is not a bastard. Others she must be married to the father. Others don't even consider the concept at all.
Thank You!
joe

Chicago, IL

#22 Feb 13, 2008
grudges not good haven't you ever seen the movie?

Since: Oct 07

New Lenox, Illinois

#23 Feb 13, 2008
steph wrote:
The sad fact remains, though, that some people STILL do use that word and still hold it against kids. Depressing, but true.
But if we're going to talk about it, I agree with others--I thought only the "real" father could "legitimate" a birth.
It's also still very relevant at least in the Catholic church. Friends of mine had a child "out of wedlock" and the Catholic church did not want to baptise him. They ended up having him baptised in a Lutheran church.

Since: Oct 07

New Lenox, Illinois

#24 Feb 13, 2008
Barbara wrote:
I DESPISE the term "love child". By using that term it essentially degrades all children who are born to legitimately married people into "non-love" children. According to law, a bstard is a child born to parents who are not married: use proper terminology.
I suppose the more correct term then would be lust child rather than love child.
steph

United States

#25 Feb 13, 2008
lynn wrote:
<quoted text>
Not closed... if his father (The one who was married to his mother) is listed on his birth cert as his father then he was born to parents who were married.
Again, a sperm donor is not married to the mother so by your reading of the definition all babies born from sperm donors (or egg donors) are bastards?
Technically, according to definition? I would have to say yes.
steph

United States

#26 Feb 13, 2008
lynn wrote:
<quoted text>
not holding on to it, just argueing a point. Your definition (And websters) says exactly what you said "child born to parents not married", but point is that a child's parents can be defined as who is listed on the birth cert. if they are married then by definition the child is not a B or illegit.(oh look 2+2 does = 4)
As someone else pointed out, who can go on the birth cert varies from state to state.
I think the point of contention, though, lynn, is the fact that putting someone on the birth certificate does not make them the father.

I'm pretty sure that, in the "traditional" sense--if you want to call it that--a baby who is born when the parents are not married is considered that distasteful word. But I guess if the parents get married at some point, that "legitimizes" the kid?

God, this is all so awful.
steph

United States

#27 Feb 13, 2008
jennijaks wrote:
<quoted text> It's also still very relevant at least in the Catholic church. Friends of mine had a child "out of wedlock" and the Catholic church did not want to baptise him. They ended up having him baptised in a Lutheran church.
Huh. And who would've figured, right? The Catholic church is so with the times on most things...

*serious sarcasm here*
Sue

Chicago, IL

#28 Feb 13, 2008
If I recall correctly, the whole notion of legitimacy or its lack had to do, back in the dim foggy past, with the question of inheritance. It had to be proved by documents or through witnesses that you were the child of the party bequeathing the money, or the property, or the title, or you got nada.
Terri

Chicago, IL

#29 Feb 13, 2008
Rational wrote:
<quoted text>
Lynn, we can argue this until we are blue in the face but the facts are that the definition (again, go look the definition up) state that he is a bast ard. I don't care that she was married to another man. Also we dont know whose name is on his birth certificate so now you are hypothesizing and making assumptions. Its very possible that that is exactly how he knows he is not the son of his mothers husband! But even if the guy she is married to is on the birth certificate it doesnt matter because thats not his dad that she is married too. I dont care what you want to say about sperm donor BS or whatever. The definition is crude, its a crude term but it is what it is. Can I ask, are you holding onto this position so dearly because you are a person who was born one of these ways and you have a beef with the definition? If so thats cool but the definition is what it is. You can say "no 2 plus 2 is not 4" all you want but at the end of the day it always is!
Anyway, done with this I guess you can lead a horse to water but..........
Sorry Rational you're wrong. This is fun b/c I know you and I don't really care and would never call anyone this and it's only semantics. Here's the definition of b.astard and illegitimate. Since his parents were married -- irregardless (wink, wink) of whether the father was his natural father -- he is not a b.astard.

il•le•git•i•mate

adj.
1. Against the law; illegal.
2. Born out of wedlock.
3. Grammar Not in correct usage.
4. Incorrectly deduced; illogical.
5. Biology Unacceptable as a scientific name because of contradiction to the international rules of nomenclature.

bas•tard
n.
1. A child born out of wedlock.
2. Something that is of irregular, inferior, or dubious origin.
3. Slang A person, especially one who is held to be mean or disagreeable.
adj.
1. Born of unwed parents; illegitimate.
2. Not genuine; spurious: a bastard style of architecture.
3. Resembling a known kind or species but not truly such.
Terri

Chicago, IL

#30 Feb 13, 2008
steph wrote:
<quoted text>
Huh. And who would've figured, right? The Catholic church is so with the times on most things...
*serious sarcasm here*
I think they'll baptize anyone -- as long as you have "sponsors" who will raise the child Catholic -- usually the parents. Who are we kidding? They want the Sunday money and the more people in the Church.....
Spenser

United States

#31 Feb 13, 2008
Concerning the friend who "nurses a grudge". It might just be that her friend HAS moved on & this long-distance friend is trying to hang to the past by trying to force her to be friends again with all of them. I think THAT girl should be the one to move on & not to expect someone to be friends with people that don't want to be friends with anymore especially since 10 years have passed.. She shouldn't bring up the subject & then the friend won't remember everything again & start complaining.
Rational

Waymart, PA

#32 Feb 13, 2008
lynn wrote:
<quoted text>
not holding on to it, just argueing a point. Your definition (And websters) says exactly what you said "child born to parents not married", but point is that a child's parents can be defined as who is listed on the birth cert. if they are married then by definition the child is not a B or illegit.(oh look 2+2 does = 4)
As someone else pointed out, who can go on the birth cert varies from state to state.
Lady, his biological parents arent married and without any further information (which evidently he did not provide to Abby or she would have put it in there) he is a B as t a r d.

You are still W R O N G. Definition is what it is. So, now you can argue with yourself because Im done with it.

As to the other poster, he did not ask for a legal definition. Also, nowhere is it stated he is doing it for legal reasons, etc etc, he just asks Abby if he is a B because his mom got pregnant by another man (that is all we can assume from the leter) guess what, hes a B based on that but you guys sit there and argue it all you want. Not wasting my time if you cant read and understand. Its my guess that some of the people writing on here are the reason why companies have to put warning on things such as "do not try to iron shirt while wearing"
someone

United States

#33 Feb 13, 2008
we had several unmarried parent in our class....I think my husband and I were in the minority

we also had one without a dad who came in with his mom, grandma and granddad

and umm......dont think we paid anything. At the actual mass we gave an offering but to get baptised, nothing

we did have a disturbingly young hottie priest though
Rational

Waymart, PA

#34 Feb 13, 2008
Terri wrote:
<quoted text>
Sorry Rational you're wrong. This is fun b/c I know you and I don't really care and would never call anyone this and it's only semantics. Here's the definition of b.astard and illegitimate. Since his parents were married -- irregardless (wink, wink) of whether the father was his natural father -- he is not a b.astard.
il•le•git•i•mate
adj.
1. Against the law; illegal.
2. Born out of wedlock.
3. Grammar Not in correct usage.
4. Incorrectly deduced; illogical.
5. Biology Unacceptable as a scientific name because of contradiction to the international rules of nomenclature.
bas•tard
n.
1. A child born out of wedlock.
2. Something that is of irregular, inferior, or dubious origin.
3. Slang A person, especially one who is held to be mean or disagreeable.
adj.
1. Born of unwed parents; illegitimate.
2. Not genuine; spurious: a bastard style of architecture.
3. Resembling a known kind or species but not truly such.
THi Terri, actually all you did was support my argument because he was born out of wedlock. You see, the way it works is he is a B because he was born of a union that was not a married one. It doesnt matter that mommy was married. It matters that mommy wasn't married to his REAL daddy. Thats what makes him a B.
Spenser

United States

#35 Feb 13, 2008
Someone,

LOL at your last sentence.
Maria

United States

#36 Feb 13, 2008
I think an even better term than love child, is daughter or son. Just a ?, why does Abby always think parents don't marry a respective person because of guilt? I was going to marry someone and my kids really hated him. I didn't marry him and frankly, I didn't lose out. It wasn't over guilt at all. If we're going to be a family, then we ALL must like each other. There are plenty of fish in the sea. THey're hard to catch these days, but I think if you really find a good one, the kids will probably like them.
lynn

Brookline, MA

#37 Feb 13, 2008
Rational wrote:
<quoted text>
THi Terri, actually all you did was support my argument because he was born out of wedlock. You see, the way it works is he is a B because he was born of a union that was not a married one. It doesnt matter that mommy was married. It matters that mommy wasn't married to his REAL daddy. Thats what makes him a B.
The man that raises him is the REAL father... duh!
Maria

United States

#38 Feb 13, 2008
Terri wrote:
<quoted text>
I think they'll baptize anyone -- as long as you have "sponsors" who will raise the child Catholic -- usually the parents. Who are we kidding? They want the Sunday money and the more people in the Church.....
Nope, couldn't get teh catholic church to baptise my daughter even though they did my son. this priest was appalled that they baptised my son. the reason? I don't go to church, nor does my husband. But the Godfather was a very serious churchgoet to that church and even asked the priest. he said absolutely not. Ultimately had her baptized at home by a methodist minister. It was the best baptizm ever.
Maria

United States

#39 Feb 13, 2008
Do we really care in this day and age if a child is a B or illegitamate? Wonder who mentioned it to this kid that he's even wondering (and no, not feeling like spell checking today)
Rational

Waymart, PA

#40 Feb 13, 2008
lynn wrote:
<quoted text>
The man that raises him is the REAL father... duh!
Again you miss the obvious point that I was talking about biologically his real father. You have got to be the densest person I have ever had a correspondence with.

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