Help! My teenager is driving me crazy!

Help! My teenager is driving me crazy!

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Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#1 May 15, 2007
Help! I have a teenage daughter who is driving me to tears every day! I'm ready to scream and I am having a super hard time dealing with her. She makes me feel so guilty and I'm actually getting depressed because of all her drama! Am I the only mom out there who is ready to pull her hair out???
Just a Dad

Lewiston, ID

#2 May 16, 2007
I have 4 teens in the house......want to trade?
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#3 May 16, 2007
I have 3 but it's my older one that's 18 that's driving me nuts. The younger 2 actually actually seem to learn from her what NOT to do- unless they are just better at hiding their downfalls. God help us all. It's not all tragic as that- I just get so stressed with her!
Just a Dad

Lewiston, ID

#4 May 16, 2007
Hang in there....it isn't easy eing the mom is it?
Just a Dad

Lewiston, ID

#5 May 16, 2007
being

Hmm

“Imagine....”

Since: Apr 07

Montgomery

#6 May 16, 2007
What is she doing? What do you do for discipline? Is there another adult figure in the house that can help?
jen

Phoenixville, PA

#7 May 16, 2007
rebecca,
does she have a job? just tell her she lives under your roof and if she doesnt knock it off tell her to find another place to live. i know that sounds mean, i know i couldnt kick my kid out. plus your other 2 will pick up her habits they will figure if she can get away with it they will to. she is 18 has she threatened you or hit you? if so call the police right away. and its not healthy for the younger ones..
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#8 May 17, 2007
Thanks to all who replied. I just really need to vent. My husband and I are trying so hard to deal with her but it's just so stressful. We try to stand united as a team so she knows she can't play sides, but she still tries. She says her dad is mean and he doesn't understand her. That's not true, but that's how she sees things. She turned 18 at the beginning of her senior year, and I guess in her mind that meant she could do whatever she wanted. When she found out she still had the same rules is when all the problems started, and it was pure hell for about 2 weeks. Then she moved out, and she was still in high school! She moved in with her boyfriend no less, which of course upset us greatly. Well, that of course did not work out and she just moved back in. This is not working out because she has basically done whatever she wanted for 6 months and it's just been hell. She ticked because we gave her room to her sister and now she has to share. She's ticked because we won't pay her car insurance or for her cell phone. We quit doing that about a month after she left.(She did get a car for her 16th birthday and we let her keep that- there is no car payment.) She is just ticked about everything. Her sisters want her to move back out because she bosses them around and yells at their friends. Sigh.
We stick to the same rules for all of them because it's only fair. We have to be consistant with all of them. If the younger ones see her treating us bad or getting away with stuff then they will think they can. We know that.
I guess what gets me is how she just breaks my heart so much. I can't talk to my husband about it too much because then I get upset and then he gets even more angry with her because I get so upset. We have always raised out kids to be compassionate and resposible. We attend church and have a strong belief in God. We have a loving and supportive extended family. She has so much but she just doesn't get it!
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#9 May 17, 2007
And yes, she does have a job. No, she never threatened to hit me, but last fall she was very verbally abusive to me for about 2 weeks before she moved out. She actually ran away about 5 days before her 18th birthday, and we didn't know where she was or she didn't go to school during that time. The police found her and made her come home for 2 days before she turned 18, and then she left again. That 2 days were the the worst 2 days of my life. She called me every name in the book and screamed in my face to hit her so she could call the police on me so I could see what it felt like. Thank God she graduated- at least she accomplished that.
jen

Phoenixville, PA

#10 May 17, 2007
rebecca,
no problem everyone needs to vent,does she ever discuss her personnal problems with you? i am sure there is days where you 2 are getting along, maybe you and your daughter can just get away for a day or 2 just by yourselves to reconnect. she might be feelig ganged up on by both her parents or she feels left out to her siblings. maybe her friends get away with alot and she wants to fit in. at least you care and love her. she probably wont go to counsling. something is really bothering her to make her rebel like this. she figures she is 18 an adult that she can do whatever she wants but she lives under your roof and has to respect your rules or make her start paying rent. please dont give up or give in tough love does work..
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#11 May 17, 2007
Thanks Jen. 2 days before her 18th birthday I made her get drug tested. I was just so scared because she was acting like she was on drugs! Running away, hanging out with a bad group of people, refusing to follow our rules, skipping school, mood swings. She didn't know I was taking her either and was not happy about it. It came back negative. The doctor talked to her and said that she needed to go to counciling, but she refused. He also recommended antidepressants but she won't take them. I can't make her because she's 18. He even told her he couldn't belive some of the things she did.
Like when the police found her when she ran away and MADE her go school that day. They did that because they knew that there was a teacher she trusts that talked her into going home. She agreed to go home after school, and my husband went to the school about 30 minutes before it got out to "smooth things over" and talk to her alone without her 2 sisters around. We have really tried to keep thier lives as normal as possible through all this. But the minute she saw him in the office she took off running out of the school and the police had to CHASE her to catch her and bring her back. Apparently she never planned on coming home! It BROKE her dad's heart that she ran from him like that. It's one of the few times in 20 years I have ever seen him cry.
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#12 May 17, 2007
The thing about her friends is, they are all lowlifes. I'm sorry, but it's true. She hangs out with kids that have so many problems I can't keep them all straight. One girls mom is in jail and she lives with her stepdad who is an alcoholic. She doesn't even go to school and he doesn't even care. They live in a trashy trailer and she has a mouth like a truck driver and alot of emotional problems to say the least. Another girl has a dad who beats her. She had to stay with us for a few days last year because he threw a beer bottle at her and hit her in the head! All her friends have either been in jail or at least been been bailed out of jail. The police tell me that most of her friends either deal drugs or do drugs, or their parents do. One girls mom died of an overdose. I had to take the poor girl shopping for a dress for the funeral because her family could care less. She ended up living with us for a while because her dad was in jail. Her boyfriend went to jail when she lived with him because he got in a drunken brawl and hit a cop. His friend went to jail the same night because he ran over his girlfriend.
I'm not kidding! In all my life I have never even known one person who went jail or had to bail anyone in my family out! But she acts like it's normal. She says it's no big deal. She told me that everyone in town calls me "June Cleaver" and that she will never be as "perfect" as I am. I never expected her to be perfect. I can't understand where she gets this crap from. This little girl had her own room with a state of the art stereo and TV, DVD, VCR, and computer, her own car, and a cell phone. She has a family who has always loved her and suppoted her. She is the one who walked away from us. But somehow, according to her it is all my fault.
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#13 May 17, 2007
Her first boyfriend in 10th grade was very controlling of her. I put an end to the relationship when his mom called me one night and told me to tell him to get home immediately because she suspected that he stole her drugs out of the safe.( I'm not kidding.)
Her second boyfriend lived with friends because his mom kicked him out when he only 16. The house is under 24 hr surveillance by the police in our town because it is known for dealing drugs. He spent 2 months in jail last summer for being caught with a felony's worth of pot in his coat during a raid. My insistance she end the relationship with him was what brought on alot of problems last summer. His mother was recently arrested for possesion, DUI, and about 5 other things.
Her present boyfriend has only to my knowledge been in jail once, although about 2 months ago the cops came around asking if I knew where he was.( That's always nice. I was appalled.) Apparently they were all involved somehow in a bar brawl and her car was seen leaving the "scene of the crime". They would not tell me anything else because she is 18 and I guess they don't have to.
I don't understand that whole 18 thing! Pretty funny I can carry her on my insurance policy and pay her doctor bills but they I can't get any information as to WHAT was done at that doctors visit! Then don't send me the d*** bill!
I guess I really am venting.
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#14 May 17, 2007
Please somebody tell me that they have problems like this with their kids and they ended up turning out great. Make me feel better!
ITS NOT ME---ITS YOU

Plainfield, IL

#15 May 18, 2007
Rebecca Lynn wrote:
Please somebody tell me that they have problems like this with their kids and they ended up turning out great. Make me feel better!
Hey, Rebecca Lynn. I know many people whose lives were really screwed up when they were teens and today live very productive lives. My husband was one of them. He was a run away from the time he was 12 years old and ran throughout the country over the years until he turned 21. He was into drugs and you name it.

I would probably say that I was a typical nighmare for my mother when I was a teen. I wasn't into drugs, but I was very defiant. Sometimes, I think things may not get better until they have a kid of their own, scary as that may seem. I, however, did turn things around when I turned 18 and moved out of my parents house. I, then, had to work and pay bills. Responsiblity took care of my attitude problems!

Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out!

One other thing, my 16-year-old son went through a little spurt of defiance, thought we didn't love him, etc., etc. We took him to the doctor because he had constant headaches and the doctor prescribed some medication to shrink the blood vessels in his head. Well, he became a whole new person and loves us to death. I originally thought that maybe now, because he no longer had headaches, that he felt better all around. Then, when I went to get a prescription refill, I saw on the paperwork that the drug was also used to treat teen depression.

He's now a wonderful child!
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#16 May 18, 2007
Thanks for the advice. Of course she was a sweetheart yesterday. She was off so cleaned the house and did laundry. She picked up her sisters from school so they didn't have to ride the bus. She even took my car to the gas station and filled it up for me because she knows I hate doing that. She had dinner with us and watched a movie with her dad. I just hope she keeps it up- she was such a sweet kid until last summer. I think it's the crowd she has been with and hopefully she will start hanging with new people. We don't allow any of her friends at our house or around her sisters anymore because they are nothing but trouble. But like I said- she was on the ball yesterday so I just pray she keeps it up!
Thanks for everyone's advice!

Since: Apr 07

Oswego, IL

#17 May 18, 2007
As a former teen, I can attest that everyone goes through spurts. It sounds like your daughter has hit a particularly hard one.

She's trying to define herself as a person, but can't seem to find the happy medium that is her.

On one hand there is you and your husband. You seem perfect to her, with a house and a family and all this love and she so badly wants that.

On the other hand, she's got her friends, who defy authority because it's "uncool" or whatever word they use now.(lol) She wants to have friends who she thinks "love" her, but deep down she knows what they are doing is wrong. She wants to feel accepted.

I think you're best hope is to provide undenying love and support for her. And a little tough love. I think she needs to understand that you are willing to provide a roof over her head as long as she's willing to heed to some ground rules that are set. If she's hard-headed about the rules, maybe she has a few in mind, or would be willing to compromise.

Good luck with everything. I know they say the 2s are a terrible age, but there's this stretch of time between 17 - 20 that's horrendous. You'll make it through.
Rebecca Lynn

West Chicago, IL

#18 May 18, 2007
Thanks M In Oswego!
Here's what I'm kind of thinking- she wants to be accepted. She does feel pressure to be successful, because most of her family is. The friends that she has chosen are not going to clollege, have no family to encourage them to succeed, and basically cannot defy authority because they have none. She's kind of in her comfort zone with them because nobody is making her want to better herself because of none of them want to do better for themselves. When she hangs out with them nobody is telling her what to do. But here is her delimma with those friends- she is NOT like them! She has a family that loves her, that cares deeply about her happiness, and she has 2 parents who are not drug addicts and alcoholics, who both have good jobs, and 2 little sisters who look up to her. She doesn't fit in with that crowd at all because they say to her" what are you complaining about? Look at everything you have". I think she creats this drama so she can justify herself to her friends and say "poor me- my mom took away my room, my cell phone, and now I have to pay my own car insurance."
Tough love is tough- on me and my husband right now! But hopefully she will wake up soon. Being a parent is so much harder than I thought it would ever be! So many other people in your life can really hurt you, but nobody can rip your heart out like your child can.
ITS NOT ME---ITS YOU

Plainfield, IL

#19 May 18, 2007
Rebecca Lynn wrote:
Thanks M In Oswego!
Here's what I'm kind of thinking- she wants to be accepted. She does feel pressure to be successful, because most of her family is. The friends that she has chosen are not going to clollege, have no family to encourage them to succeed, and basically cannot defy authority because they have none. She's kind of in her comfort zone with them because nobody is making her want to better herself because of none of them want to do better for themselves. When she hangs out with them nobody is telling her what to do. But here is her delimma with those friends- she is NOT like them! She has a family that loves her, that cares deeply about her happiness, and she has 2 parents who are not drug addicts and alcoholics, who both have good jobs, and 2 little sisters who look up to her. She doesn't fit in with that crowd at all because they say to her" what are you complaining about? Look at everything you have". I think she creats this drama so she can justify herself to her friends and say "poor me- my mom took away my room, my cell phone, and now I have to pay my own car insurance."
Tough love is tough- on me and my husband right now! But hopefully she will wake up soon. Being a parent is so much harder than I thought it would ever be! So many other people in your life can really hurt you, but nobody can rip your heart out like your child can.
She comes from good people, so she'll turn out just fine. Just keep reinforcing, telling her you love her no matter what. Eventually, she'll come around.
lisa

Louisville, KY

#20 Jun 4, 2007
Rebecca Lynn wrote:
Help! I have a teenage daughter who is driving me to tears every day! I'm ready to scream and I am having a super hard time dealing with her. She makes me feel so guilty and I'm actually getting depressed because of all her drama! Am I the only mom out there who is ready to pull her hair out???

no you are not the only parent ready to pull your hair out i just don't understand what happened to might sweet little girl. now she can be so nice one min then in a snap she turns into the devil himself. it is causing so much drama up in our house that i feel that i have to walk on egg shells around everybody. everyone tells me that this is just a phase they go through but when will it end. i have had to take a leave of absence from work to just sped some time with her hoping to reprogram her. she is not nice to noone self centered, little brat. an i hate to say that thats my baby girl an i love her dearly, but i completly understand. don't give up

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