Parents out of money and patience

Parents out of money and patience

There are 76 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Jun 5, 2009, titled Parents out of money and patience. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

Dear Amy: Unbeknownst to us, our 23-year-old daughter ran up a large credit card debt in her last year of college, which she attended on an athletic scholarship.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

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saffie

United States

#1 Jun 5, 2009
LW2: Cake dude is more than a jerk; he's a braying jackarse. The next time he flaps his gums, point out to him that the only person who seems to be anal about the whole thing is him. Then tell him to find some new material. You got to stand toe to toe with bullies like this.
plumloco

United States

#2 Jun 5, 2009
LW1: Really? This sounds like a Lifetime movie or something. How do you know she's even still alive?

LW2: Use your words. Stick up for yourself.
saffie

United States

#3 Jun 5, 2009
Oops, didn't finish. In other words, Amy is right, only she didn't go far enough.
Raptor

North Chicago, IL

#4 Jun 5, 2009
LW1 - she's probably working in Amsterdam's red light district.

LW2 - the guys a bully, slap him down hardcore.
Ang

Chicago, IL

#5 Jun 5, 2009
LW1: "Um, um...how do I say no?" *whine*

"NO" - that's how. You have obviously been enabling this behavior from your daughter for far too long and now look where it has you: putting pen to paper and writing to an advice columnist. Gee, I can see that life lessons have stiffened your back bone.

If I did one-tenth of what the daughter of LW1 did, my father would have disowned me. DISOWNED. Far too many parents of today's youth are afraid to parent.
Oy Vey

Newington, CT

#7 Jun 5, 2009
LW1: I agree with Ang. My mother told me all through my teen years that my parents would support me through age 18, then pay college tuition (4 yrs only), and THAT WAS IT. Then I was on my own. I knew that from day 1, and that's how it worked. Parents today let their kids rule the roost and the generation is a bunch of spoiled brats as a result.
Daria

Detroit, MI

#8 Jun 5, 2009
LW1--just curious, how did the folks NOT know the kid hadn't graduated? Wouldn't there be a ceremony, a diploma, a grade point average, something?

Sounds like they don't ask nearly enough questions/check up on their child.

If she wants to come home, fly her home, give her a written set of house rules, and an eviction date.

Yeah, and a full set of medical tests to make sure she's not bipolar or something.

NO CASH. Ever again.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#10 Jun 5, 2009
L1: Is this woman's daughter Christine from the other topix board? ME! ME! ME! It's all about ME!

The answer, just say NO. My 20 month old daughter knows that!

L2: Smash the dessert into his face.

L3: What a dope. NO means NO. I blame you for forcing the issue and him for being an azz.

I guess I'm not feeling very civil this afternoon.

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#11 Jun 5, 2009
L1: Amy is so stupid. You have ZERO obligation to pay off your daughter's debt. Sadly, you enabled this situation by not getting tough earlier. Something tells me you'll fold as soon as she comes back home. Something else tells me that she was a spoiled child her entire life.

L2: Call this guy out on his jerkhood NOW, and get others to do the same. Be as relentless as he has been. Get a spine and stand up for your coworker. I had a coworker try this on me, only she LIED about finding cat fur in lasagna I brought to work for everyone. No one believed her (she did it for attention, which was typical), and she was shamed into silence.

L3: You are an idiot who never should have bred.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#13 Jun 5, 2009
Now a-z-z is sensored.
allison

Waukesha, WI

#14 Jun 5, 2009
It is wise to cook with your hair back in any kitchen. However, a hair in the food is not a food safety danger other than if it is long.
Free food is free food.
I would not only tell him to stop, I wouldn't allow him to eat anything brought from home again.

I wonder, in letter three, those children - do they wish they'd never been born?
Otherwise, one good parent is really all you need.
She didn't get pregnant without his approval, she just coerced it and regrets it, but they still are alive today and the dad may yet regret having ousted them from his life.
Whatever

Harwood Heights, IL

#15 Jun 5, 2009
Like anything - You can not hold their hands and help them grow up. They needto do it by themselves.... Like a baby bird, kick it out of the nest and let it fly.

She found out how to get into debt - now it is time for her to find her way out.
sam

Buffalo Grove, IL

#16 Jun 5, 2009
The first parents : kids are always your responsibility, you should help her. Ur money is her money
Second one : the lady who made the dessert : GREAT. The idiot who talks : IDIOT
Chelle7822

Springfield, IL

#17 Jun 5, 2009
"How do we say no?"

Um...NO!
AnnCoultersBIGAd amsApple

West Suffield, CT

#18 Jun 5, 2009
Where has the parenting gone these days? They ask "How do we say no?" Geez, how about just saying "NO!". It amazes me that these kids and so-called adults think they are entitled to everything and without consequence. If these kids desire to grow up so quickly, then they should act grown up and be accountable for each and every action they commit. Instead they all talk crap and run home to Mommy and Daddy when they have to face the real world with real adults who won't put up with them. Shame on the parents for coddling them and enabling all the selfish and narcissistic behavior.

As far as the parents are concerned, when did they throw out the manual on how to raise kids and replace it with "How to be even more stupid with your parenting skills?" As someone stated previously, this kid was obviously spoiled and then some.

The girl is 23 - my God I was already on my own by then, with no financial help from my parents or anyone. In fact, I paid off my parents loan and was thankful just for signing the loan for me (and still am).

These kids and parents need a serious butt-whoopin'. They definitely would get one if they were working for me.
Renee J

United States

#19 Jun 5, 2009
LW1: You aren't responsible unless you cosigned a loan. I'd check your credit to make sure she didn't get a card in your name.

LW2: Call him out on his behavior. It's not like she did that on purpose.

LW3: You should have picked someone who wanted kids. But, if he really abused them, he's a jerk. There's no excuse for that.
sue

Chicago, IL

#22 Jun 5, 2009
LW1 - Daughter has not been heard from in months while abroad and her debt is your main concern? The letter reveals an attitude of indifference, the daughter is a disfunctional product of a disfunctional family. Good luck.

LW2 - As decribed I imagine this guy is not well liked by anyone in this office, a group effort in letting him know that shoudl shut him up.

LW3 - Many people have children for selfish reasons. Sad the man couldn't step up and be decent but it isn't like he wasn't honest about it in the first place.

Since: Jun 09

Berkeley, CA

#24 Jun 5, 2009
Ugh, what's with the 23 y/olds? My daughter (also 23) just "graduated" from college, we went to the ceremony and everything, there she was in cap and gown and we have the program and pictures to prove it. She just admitted that because she didn't get her grades until AFTER graduation, technically she didn't graduate and needs to take another course to make up for one she failed. Her hand was out to us to pay for yet another course and this time I firmly said NO. Find another way to pay for it, we've done more than our share and if you can't pass these courses, maybe you should look into another major if you can't hack it. Tough love? Perhaps, but high time if you ask me. LW#1 has been hoodwinked just as I've been in the past by this daughter. Stay tough and do NOT let her guilt you into anything. You've been more than fair, more than generous. So much so that you have giant footprints on your back.

As for LW#2, what a jerk.

LW#3, when they say they don't want kids, they mean it. When you marry someone, it should be someone with common goals, common interests and values. You cannot make someone like something or want something. You are to blame in part for the abuse your kids suffered because you kept thinking you could change him into what you wanted him to be. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, I don't mean for it to. But in essence, it's a fact. I hope your kids have been able to move on and understand it's not their fault. He's a jerk, and in his old age, he will regret it, but they should NOT forgive him for it. Sorry, that's how I feel. He didn't want them? They shouldn't want him. What comes around, goes around.

Since: Jun 09

Berkeley, CA

#25 Jun 5, 2009
sam wrote:
The first parents : kids are always your responsibility, you should help her. Ur money is her money
Please tell me you're joking? Your money is her money? Really? Kids may be your responsibility, but that doesn't mean you have to be their doormats or cash machine. It's a parent's responsibility to teach a kid to stand on his/her own two feet, not to continually mooch off of people for the rest of their lives. Is your last name Trump, by any chance?
Raptor

North Chicago, IL

#26 Jun 5, 2009
Brenda - the good witch wrote:
Ugh, what's with the 23 y/olds? My daughter (also 23) just "graduated" from college, we went to the ceremony and everything, there she was in cap and gown and we have the program and pictures to prove it. She just admitted that because she didn't get her grades until AFTER graduation, technically she didn't graduate and needs to take another course to make up for one she failed. Her hand was out to us to pay for yet another course and this time I firmly said NO. Find another way to pay for it, we've done more than our share and if you can't pass these courses, maybe you should look into another major if you can't hack it. Tough love? Perhaps, but high time if you ask me. LW#1 has been hoodwinked just as I've been in the past by this daughter. Stay tough and do NOT let her guilt you into anything. You've been more than fair, more than generous. So much so that you have giant footprints on your back.
Your story caused a weird flashback, I had this reoccurring dream in my 20s that I missed one required course and didn't really get my diploma.

Think I'm going to hug that diploma when I get home hahaha.

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