I wish I could find true happiness.

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Adam

Ozark, MO

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#1
Dec 11, 2012
 
Every day I get up,I think about how pathetic I am, I think that maybe it'll be my last day alive.Maybe I'll die,maybe I wish I'd have a heart attack,end what little existence I have will fade out.I'm tired,I'm tired of what little life I have,I'm tired of society,tired of bills,people,and I'm tired of breathing. I grew up thinking I'd be someone,better than everyone...but I realized 4 years ago that I'm no one. Some days I get up I feel maybe I'll come out of this,maybe its just a phase,maybe I'd feel something. But than I look in the mirror.I see a man,no not a man, a cowering child. I try to act like I'm happy,but than people just think I'm odd,weird.Because thats not who I am,I'm not happy.I thought being married would make me happy,I thought having two kids would make me happy.I thought having a family would make me happy. Now I'm just fighting a depression,waiting for it to go away,but it gets worse. But I just think about how it all ends. I think about not breathing,maybe if everything stopped,that will make me happy.Every day at work,some one is always giving me dirty looks,like I'm nothing,trash. And than I realize that hurts,but than again something reminds me that they're right about me.And I keep thinking about it. Now I want to know what everyone on topics thinks. Should I put an end to what little I am,or should I keep looking for reasons to keep going.I figured,sure why not.I'm not done here yet.Just a little longer. Maybe tomorrow will be my last day. Maybe on the way to work,maybe someone wont be watching where they're driving,come into my lane,or maybe I'll fall asleep at the wheel,or maybe someone will lose their nerve.
Adam

Ozark, MO

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#2
Dec 11, 2012
 
Why do I keep going? I just have questions,no one seems to give me an answer that helps.My wife tries to cheer me up,but I don't deserve her,she deserves someone so much more.I deserve to be nothing.I feel like there is a hole,a deep hole where my stomach is,and I cant breath.
What

Ava, MO

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#3
Dec 11, 2012
 

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The number one thing that you said that actually struck a nerve was "two kids"! If you think you have nothing to live for, then do what you think you gotta do, but always know that those two kids are gonna grow up knowing that their dad didn't care enough to stick around and help them become adults. If you are dumb enough to off yourself, then you derserve to burn in the hot spot. So get over yourself and MAN UP!!!!! It ain't all about you.
AND

Ava, MO

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#4
Dec 11, 2012
 

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Life is what YOU make of it!! If you are unhappy, make changes, but remember that those changes don't only affect you!!
Curious

West Plains, MO

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#5
Dec 11, 2012
 
Have you tried going to church? Or talking to a counselor?
I know the feeling

Marshfield, MO

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#6
Dec 11, 2012
 

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Adam,
When I started reading your post I thought someone was posing as me on here....... but my name isn't Adam. Listen everyone keeps telling me things will get better, I hope they are right. I am at a dead end job, have many enemies at work, and feel I'm such an underachiever. I know I am a fairly smart person, but I perform a lowly job a mentally retarted person could perform.

Anyway, it gets worse, I just found out my wife that I hadn't even considered losing,is leaving me for another man !!!

I have recently had some days where I was very close to suicide. I told one of my only friends and they pointed out that the people I wanted it to hurt or feel bad about my death, wouldn't care. It would be the people I wouldn't want to suffer that would. My kids would grow up without a much need dad. They would have the stigma attached with others knowing their dad killed himself, and that is something people are ashamed of because it really shows weakness.

I also know that once you accept suicide, anything is on the table after that point. You start to think about killing others that have made you suffer so much. I believe all the school shootings you hear about all started with someone who first accepted suicide.

My vote is you should just take it one day at a time at this point, that is how I am having to do. Sometimes even hour by hour. I honestly don't know how I will go on without my wife. She was my soul- mate and best friend. We were going to grow old together, and be buried next one another.

Things can get even worse if you don't cherish what you do have. I am having to be totally focused on all that I have left, my two kids.
I know the feeling

Marshfield, MO

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#7
Dec 11, 2012
 

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You might consider seeing a doctor too. I am going to check into getting on an SSRI such as Celexa. I hear that sometimes a medication such as this can really help with the inner pain. It won't take it all away, but it might just take the edge off enough that you can handle it.
Whatever

Seymour, MO

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#9
Dec 12, 2012
 
Depression brings on paranoia. First of all see medical intervention immediately! Think of it this way, every time you have a negative thought come into your head, twist it as much as you can to the opposite positive thought,then say it to yourself. It's your inner demons trying to drive you to the worst thing you've do. Do you think after suicide it's all going to be great. Would you like to suffer in this short term life rather than eternity. Believe me I know this for sure, no matter what the situation is, suicide will lead to eternal damnation. You will be repeating this suicide act eternally in hell fire and there will be no end. You will be feeling pain far worse than you are going through now and you will not have the choice to end it.

You have the choice right now! Do you choose to think and dwell on your negative thoughts and dark feelings or do you choose to reach deeeeeep within your inner soul and change, even if its the slightest bit and every second of the day to just survive! First of all, don't expect too much. We're all just humans and are allowed to make mistakes, no one is perfect. No one s perfect, there is no such thing! that is why God has given us the opportunity to be forgiven as long as we ask for it,until our dying last breath. It is up to God to bring us into this world and to take us away, in between is our test. Suicide is the ultimate failure, you cannot turn around and change anything once you've regretted it,and believe me hell is going to be ugly! If you don't feel anything but down at least feel the fear of hell. You think no one cares in your head, realistically your kids don't know any better, that's why they love and adore you, it's natural. Do you want to see them grow up, just lie you did. Sacrifice your self IN this world for them. LIVE to educate and protect them . Make a difference in other innocent kids lives who don't have a father or parents, bring meaning to those less fortunate. Thank God for all the blessings in your life, every little blessing. Every day you wake up you have been blessed by God to change your course positively, every day you have been given a chance to understand all the love around you. Medicate if you have to but try and survive. Every day you wake up, smile, say something positive, go out and breath the fresh air, thank God and think positive, don't think about the past negatives. If someone looks at you negatively, they might be in their own depression or in need of a smile and encouragement from you. I go through this often, and I know many people are like you and I,but I battle and take care f myself ad try to rest when I can, and keep fighting bc I know I don't want to go through this eternally. Helping orphan kids helps me and I'm thankful for their survival and happiness.
correct

Branson, MO

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#10
Dec 12, 2012
 

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Adam wrote:
Why do I keep going? I just have questions,no one seems to give me an answer that helps.My wife tries to cheer me up,but I don't deserve her,she deserves someone so much more.I deserve to be nothing.I feel like there is a hole,a deep hole where my stomach is,and I cant breath.
y\\YOU'RE RIGHT SHE DOESN'T DESERVE your whiney azz, man up and find a life loser.
Hey Buddy

West Plains, MO

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#11
Dec 12, 2012
 

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One thing to remember is... life is ALL about choices. One bad choice can screw up your life and the lives of those who love you. I try each day not to create regrets for myself. Please try counting your blessing several times each day.. like thankful for being alive..your health, your kids health, a loving wife, a job, that your car started.. etc. You get the picture. This should help to somewhat redirect the negative thoughts you are having. Also, try to find humor in the situations surrounding your life. Also, try being nice to someone else. Being nice to another person less fortunate always helps nourish the soul. We all have a purpose in this life. Some have to search longer to find it. I agree with the person that said, you certainly wouldnt want your childen to know you didnt care enough to live to see them though life. Hang in there! Look around. There are always other people who are worse off than you. Attitude is 99% of the battle.
Adam

Ozark, MO

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#12
Dec 12, 2012
 

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I think everyone has mistaken me for a christian,or being the religious type.I don't believe in a god or gods. yes,this is about me,because every thing I do is for everyone,so yes,if I off myself,that is for me. If I want to turn the lights off,thats for me. I dont believe in Heaven or Hell,I dont believe in Paganism,I dont believe in Judaism,and no,I just dont believe in gods period.What would the point of shooting myself be for if I had to deal with that BS after I pulled the trigger,hm? We'll see about that tomorrow okay? Religion is one of the things I'm sick of. I'm sick of people and their beliefs. I have no faith in humanity,religion,government,o r anyone for the matter,I no longer belong here.I dont remember being a day old on the day of my birth,I dont remember anything before being born,so who in the hell believes that I'll remember anything after death? I'm sure an Alzheimer's diagnosed person is inclined to agree with me. Once the brain is dead,its obvious there isn't a god or gods.Death is an eternal sleep.Forever.So...bye everone.I'm off to pull the trigger. I quit. To hell with everyone.
Tittietwister

Columbia, MO

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#13
Dec 13, 2012
 

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Well Adam, I sure hope you haven't pulled that trigger. Depression is a hard core bitch to deal with, especially alone. I know this becaue I am currently going through the same thing. Dead end job, low paying job, feeling worthless, alone (even though I am married with three children), overwhelming sadness all the time. Whats the use? We fight and fight just to keep our head above water and end up breathing through a straw just to survive. I am not a religious person either, so I will not say you need to go to church. That won't help at all. You do need to find something that does make you happy. Even for just a moment. I live for my granddaughter. She is the light of my life and is what has kept me from putting a gun to my own head. Find something to live for and get some help, talk to someone and see if there is medication that will help. I am in that process and there are people who will help. Hope will keep you alive. Take care Adam, I wish the best for you.
Whatever

Seymour, MO

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#14
Dec 13, 2012
 

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"To hell with everyone" seems to be telling me that you do believe there is an hell and you have an extreme fear within yourself and you've decided to hide behind denial. There is a purpose for everything in this life right? You can not deny that bc you were given a body and soul, then lived with many other blessings and then were give the best blessing in life two kids!!! Try and create another kid! Try and create its soul! Unless you are blessed with it,there is no way you can create anything living with a soul. Souls come from somewhere! They must go somewhere. You don't have to believe what people preach to you, for all anyone knows they may be preaching some things right but the core of existence way wrong. I would search inside your soul, ask for help from your Creator, when you feel the most lonely, and helpless, just try and ask for help. No one else can help you. It all starts within. If you believe that you didn't create yourself and there is purpose in this life and therefore there will be purpose in the hereafter, and that there is only one creator and one only whom you must ask for help, you will distance yourself from this negative and hopeless feeling. We all go through it time to time, and that proves that it is more medical and hormonl with environmental influences increasing it. The difference between an purpose who survives is HOPE. Hang in there maybe you will be blessed with something special for doing so.
Hey Buddy

West Plains, MO

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#15
Dec 13, 2012
 

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This may sound corny...but here's a few more things that might help. Learn to play and instrument, a new language or better yet, teach your children (depending on age) how to make ornaments out of dough or how to paint a picture,or better yet, ask them what they would like to learn to do. I know its hard to think of others when saddness is overtaking thoughts but those memories will be with them for a lifetime. Give of yourself. Try to see the bigger picture. And remember, it's so easy to slip into depression over the holiday. This too shall pass. I hope something I have said helps in some small way. I too am a sufferer. Just wanted to share some of the coping mechanisms that have worked for me. Best of Luck. Your family needs you to be emotionally strong, healthy and happy! Thats the best gift you can give to your children!
Kennah

West Plains, MO

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#16
Dec 13, 2012
 

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Adam wrote:
Every day I get up,I think about how pathetic I am, I think that maybe it'll be my last day alive.Maybe I'll die,maybe I wish I'd have a heart attack,end what little existence I have will fade out.I'm tired,I'm tired of what little life I have,I'm tired of society,tired of bills,people,and I'm tired of breathing. I grew up thinking I'd be someone,better than everyone...but I realized 4 years ago that I'm no one. Some days I get up I feel maybe I'll come out of this,maybe its just a phase,maybe I'd feel something. But than I look in the mirror.I see a man,no not a man, a cowering child. I try to act like I'm happy,but than people just think I'm odd,weird.Because thats not who I am,I'm not happy.I thought being married would make me happy,I thought having two kids would make me happy.I thought having a family would make me happy. Now I'm just fighting a depression,waiting for it to go away,but it gets worse. But I just think about how it all ends. I think about not breathing,maybe if everything stopped,that will make me happy.Every day at work,some one is always giving me dirty looks,like I'm nothing,trash. And than I realize that hurts,but than again something reminds me that they're right about me.And I keep thinking about it. Now I want to know what everyone on topics thinks. Should I put an end to what little I am,or should I keep looking for reasons to keep going.I figured,sure why not.I'm not done here yet.Just a little longer. Maybe tomorrow will be my last day. Maybe on the way to work,maybe someone wont be watching where they're driving,come into my lane,or maybe I'll fall asleep at the wheel,or maybe someone will lose their nerve.
Adam, I completely empathize with where you are in your emotional state. I believe the majority of people go through moments when they feel like the only way out is to leave this life behind. I have felt like the only way to make those around me understand the pain I am hiding is to end my life. Maybe then they would think about how their actions have effected me. Maybe then they will see the trauma that I had to endure for them.

I used to cope with mind altering substances because that is all I felt could clear my mind and make me happy again. I have been sober for almost a year. I still have moments when I want to have something to change the way I feel, but I have learned that by using it is only masking the pain. I have to deal with it. I have to run the script in my head and work it out through my emotions.

I feel that the most effective therapy is speaking. Letting it all out. Keeping it bottled inside only tears you apart. Even if this is Topix and most don't take it seriously, it is serious. Depression is serious. It hurts emotionally. The darkness is holds us back from seeing the light. The darkness feels good. But we all need the light. The joy in life.

The person that said something about you having a reason to live is your children... that doesn't help. You are you, aside from your family. No one can make us want to live and enjoy life, but ourselves. Millions of people suffer from depression and they are parents. Millions of people are addicted to drugs and they are parents. Don't feel guilty over being depressed.

My best advice is just keep sharing your thoughts. Keep this thread going as long as you need. Not only for you. But for me. But for everyone who needs to share.

I will never make you feel inferior. I am here to listen and to try to help. Please let us all help each other make it through today.

Since: May 12

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#17
Dec 13, 2012
 
Adam wrote:
I think everyone has mistaken me for a christian,or being the religious type.I don't believe in a god or gods. yes,this is about me,because every thing I do is for everyone,so yes,if I off myself,that is for me. If I want to turn the lights off,thats for me. I dont believe in Heaven or Hell,I dont believe in Paganism,I dont believe in Judaism,and no,I just dont believe in gods period.What would the point of shooting myself be for if I had to deal with that BS after I pulled the trigger,hm? We'll see about that tomorrow okay? Religion is one of the things I'm sick of. I'm sick of people and their beliefs. I have no faith in humanity,religion,government,o r anyone for the matter,I no longer belong here.I dont remember being a day old on the day of my birth,I dont remember anything before being born,so who in the hell believes that I'll remember anything after death? I'm sure an Alzheimer's diagnosed person is inclined to agree with me. Once the brain is dead,its obvious there isn't a god or gods.Death is an eternal sleep.Forever.So...bye everone.I'm off to pull the trigger. I quit. To hell with everyone.
Plz stay strong and in prayer;)
Took The Bait

West Plains, MO

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#18
Dec 14, 2012
 

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I felt sorry for this guy at first. Then I decided he was just some militant atheist baiting someone to bring up God or "gods" as he puts it.
Brenda Moncreif

Ozark, MO

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#19
Dec 14, 2012
 

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My baby ray will make you happy, she only have 3 kids and no man around. She must be happy like me. Look for Reina at Brookhaven, she is there tomorrow. She is a big beautiful woman with a healthy appetite for browned sausage.
Jorge

West Plains, MO

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#20
Dec 14, 2012
 

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Took The Bait wrote:
I felt sorry for this guy at first. Then I decided he was just some militant atheist baiting someone to bring up God or "gods" as he puts it.
He was frustrated and needed to vent.
Caring citizen

Seymour, MO

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#21
Dec 14, 2012
 
Hope all is well Adam? You need to get caring people around you whom you can express your thoughts and emotions to,maybe your family can help more than you think.

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