Sickest/ Most offensive Jokes

Sickest/ Most offensive Jokes

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“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#1 Jan 20, 2011
Just thought maybe we could lighten the mood around here a little bit.

So what is the sickest or most offensive jokes you got?

“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#2 Jan 20, 2011
I'll start =)

Q:What do you call a black man in a tent?

A:Criminal intent.

“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#3 Jan 20, 2011
Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out

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Kim

United States

#4 Jan 20, 2011
Haha that is funny!!
jokeszz

Lima, OH

#5 Jan 20, 2011
what's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?-
-acne doesn't come on a five-year-old's face.

why did princess diana cross the road?-
-because she didn't have a seatbelt on.

how do you know you're wife's dead?-
-the sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.

what's black and found at the top of stairs?-
-Steven Hawkings after a house fire.

how do you kill 1000 flies in one hit?-
-slap an Ethipoian in the face?

what do you say to a black jew?-
-"get back in the oven."

what's 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night long?-
-cot death.

what has 4 legs and 1 arm?-
-a pitbull in a children's play area.

what's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?-
-you only need one nail to put the picture up.

why are black guys so fast?-
-all the slow ones are in jail.

why don't black people let their kids play in sand boxes?-
-the cats keep burying them.

what's the difference between a jew and santa?-
-santa goes DOWN the chimney.

While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"
SO-CO GIRL

Missouri City, TX

#6 Jan 20, 2011
How do you starve a Raines? You hide their food stamps card under a job application...
jokeszz

Lima, OH

#7 Jan 20, 2011
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
-It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
-The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
-Nothing. You've already told her twice

What is the hardest part about eating vegetables?
-The wheelchairs.

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.
Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."
"What's the contest?" the man asks.
"First, you've gotta knock out Bruno with one shot," the bartender says - pointing to the 6'6, 300 lb dim-witted bouncer. "Then, we take you out back to the kennel, where our doberman has an impacted wisdom tooth, and you have to remove it. Finally, you have to have sex with Agnes," he continued, pointing to a mummy-like elderly woman in the corner, "until she has an orgasm."
"Screw that," the man says. "That's way too tough!" But, a few drinks in, he'd gotten his Irish courage up, and he dropped his $10 in the jar.
He leapt up, ran over to Bruno and - summoning all his strength, caught the bouncer completely by surprise, knocking him out with one punch. The crowd - sensing the possibilities, began cheering him on, as they led him to the back kennel.
Once the door was shut, the crowd heard horrible growling sounds coming from the dog, punctuated, finally, by a loud *squeak*.
The door opened, and the man stepped out and said,"OK, now take me to that old lady with the bad tooth?"

What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?
-Little boys' pants half-off.

What do you do when you find someone having a seizure in the tub?
-Throw in a load of laundry

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?" The guy replies, "Oh, no: I never found her head."

What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller?
-A baby combing his hair with a potato peeler
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys in your car?
-The problem goes away with the aid of a coat hanger.

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
jokeszz

Lima, OH

#8 Jan 20, 2011
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.
"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.
"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
-I cried when I cut up the onion.

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.
The doctor replied: "I'm just joking with you! It was stillborn."

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
-Ask her why she left the kitchen.
jokeszz

Lima, OH

#9 Jan 20, 2011
How does an hillbilly mother know her daughter is having her period.
-Her son's dick tastes funny.

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."
The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.
"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her ass in the font".

Why don't women need watches?
-There's a clock on the stove.

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
-Gonorrhea.

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"
"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."
The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh! "
"Be quiet Fridge," said the mother.

While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
"Oh, she's in the sea washing herself off," replies Adam.
"Crap!", says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
-AIDS.

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are".
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk".
She said, "Yes you are".
I said, "No I'm fucking not".
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk".

A black policeman stopped me today.
He said, "Have you got any drugs on you?"
I said, "No"
He said, "Do you want some?"
pd raines

Lima, OH

#10 Jan 20, 2011
Jokeszz: Nice jokes, but anyone can copy and paste, LOL! I take it your neither British or Aussie but in one of your jokes you talked about your "mates" lol.

Either way, thanks,some of those were great!
pd raines

Lima, OH

#11 Jan 20, 2011
9/11 American people will not get this joke.
SO-CO GIRL

Saint Peters, MO

#12 Jan 20, 2011
The name pd raines is joke enough, don't you think?
LMFAO

Demotte, IN

#13 Jan 20, 2011
SO-CO GIRL wrote:
How do you starve a Raines? You hide their food stamps card under a job application...
omg...i seriously think i about died when i read this lol! its too funny!!

“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#15 Jan 22, 2011
lmao! Hey now people, let's keep this joke thread as impersonal as possible. I'm not trying to make it just another generic thread like every other thread made up about people on here to talk crap about others.

I don't like pd Raines that much is obvious, but I don't care about the guy enough to even bring his name up on here.

This is for jokes, and while those are funny, let's try to keep it all impersonal please.

“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#16 Jan 22, 2011
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#17 Jan 22, 2011
I bought a bottle of coke in aid of the breast cancer foundation.
Oddly enough, it was flat.
JohnnyTheObese

Lima, OH

#18 Jan 22, 2011
Q:What sits on the computer while eating cheesy pooofs, talkin shit,thinks their cool, dreams about getting in to a school....lol, and lives off tax payers money bc they are a lazy fat pos?
A: Johnny Murphy

“3.0”

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#19 Jan 22, 2011
Q: What sits on the computer while drinking haterade, talkin shit, thinks people give a crap, dreams about being hard enough to use their real name...lol, and lives on the wrong end of town because their last name makes then white trash?

A:^^that anonymous person posting above me^^ LOL!
TheOtherWhiteMea t

Lima, OH

#20 Jan 22, 2011
Why don't men like to give oral sex in the morning?

Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Johnny

Lima, OH

#21 Jan 22, 2011
LOL!! Dork

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