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Nix

Rome, NY

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#1
Jan 19, 2009
 
This was removed from the Utica Wikipedia "article", which currently reads like a cheesy tourism brochure written by Angelo Roefaro.
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"Great Moments in Utica History (up to 2004)"
October 13th, 1679 - While taking a zhit in the Mohawk River, an unnamed Mohawk Indian takes a look around the future site of Utica. He asserts that the area's close proximity to the marsh would make an excellent place for the tribe to disposal of human waste.
August 8th, 1702 - American explorer, James Street, finds human waste in soon to be Utica area two years before Joseph Crandall is credited with establishing Utica. He wonders what treasures the Indians might be hiding. Instead of moving on with life, Street gets dead end job at a trading outpost and spends entire life in soon to be Utica area.
1758 - Fort Schuyler built in Utica. Fort is abandoned after French and Indian War. It is rumored the fort stood in what is now abandoned West Utica. It was the first of many, many establishments to be abandoned throughout Utica's fine history.
1773 - Settlement established at Utica. Name of Utica, named after Utica, Tunisia, said to be picked from a hat. Cato the Younger died in Utica, Tunisia struggling against Julius Caesar. Symbolic of key characteristic of Utica, NY..."struggle".
1775 - 1783 - Fort Schuyler burned by British. New evidence suggests fort may have stood in what is now Cornhill. It was the second of many, many establishments to be intentionally burned down. The first was James Street's trading post in 1715 which was burnt by his raging bitch wife Mable.
1783 - 1832 - Bars and prostitues form first local economy. People that come to Utica often never leave, setting up a future of lower middle class existence and misery.
1832 - Utica incorporated as a city. It struggles to maintain population as many Uticans leave for the suburbs and better economic prospects down South. I hear Met Life is shipping 500 jobs down there in May.
1838 - Forest Hill Cemetary opens. Ass rapings in the adjacent woods take place ever since.
1843 - Utica Psychiatric Center established. "Utica Crib" torture device is invented and gains notoriety. Future generations of Uticans will talk about this for no reason, yet remain proud.
1845-1849 - Potato famine in Ireland. Where do they all come? You got it!
1850 - Industrial Revolution starts. As does Utica's "Golden Age"
1860-1865 - American Civil War. Uticans figure out what to do with all the damn Irish: Con-scrip-tion.
May 1965 - Train carrying Abraham Lincoln's dead body stops in Utica. What history does not reveal is that Abe Lincoln survived assassination, and shot himself upon hearing he was going to Utica.
1868 - Monument to Civil War built in the the fuqkin middle of Oneida Square. Uticans pissed off because of the obstruction ever since.
April 3rd, 1887 - Utica Zoo Opens, bringing joy to thousands.
April 4th, 1887 - The squirrel escapes. Utica Zoo closes.
January 1, 1900 - Uticans still "stuck in the mid-1880s"...
1901 - 1920 - Historical influx of European immigrants. Irish and Italians start fighting over East Utica. Italians prevail and the Irish get West Utica and live harmoniously with the Polish. Irish no-longer have to deal with "wet chest hair" smell when it rains.
March 4th, 1909 - Utican James Schoolcraft Sherman becomes 27th Vice President of United States. Tells all the "cool" senators and cabinet members he's from Syracuse.
1920 - Prohibition begins. Italian mafia makes/distributes bootleg beer. Pride of Utican Italians for generations.

(cont.)
Nix

Rome, NY

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#2
Jan 19, 2009
 
1921 - Dick Motto born.
1922 - RoAnn Destito elected. She immediately begins selling alcohol to drunken Mowhawk Indians.
1933 - Prohibition ends. Utica Club is the first beer sold in the U.S. upon Prohibition's end. Yet another useless fact in the contemporary Utican repertoire.
1936 - Thomas R. Proctor High School built in East Utica. Italian masons make stone eagles with their heads facing right as an homage to Mussolini and Italian fascism. Whitesboro and New Hartford begin listing reasons why Proctor cannot join Tri-Valley League - Reason #1: Negroes.
December 7th, 1941 - Pearl Harbor "sneak attacked' by Japanese. Uticans display outrage with cries of "Where...?!"
1941-1945 - Uticans figure out what to do with Italians and left over Irish. D-R-A-F-T.
Aug 8 1945: Hiroshima is levelled... Uticans decry the free Urban Renewal project and protest with signs stating "Where's OURS"?
1946 - Utica College established. Nobody believes it.
Nix

Rome, NY

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#3
Jan 19, 2009
 
1946 - 1963 - Baby Boom. Your parents are born.
1950 - 1979 - Multinational coporationism. Utica begins rapid descendance into third-rate city with good food.
1950 - 1952 - North Utica is developed in two years to help white Uticans evade the inner-city. Blue eyed, blonde haired parents throughout city are delighted.
July 12th, 1984 - Last person in Utica to have sex. City is stricken with arrested cultural development.
January 2nd, 1988 - AIDS comes to Utica!
1991 - Cold War ends. Griffis AFB in Rome closes. Uticans happy knowing they aren't targeted by Russian nukes because of Rome anymore.
1991 - Michael Arcuri is elected as District Attorney for Oneida County: Convictions and false convictions skyrocket.
October - December 1993 - Martin Brodeur plays half season with Utica Devils before beginning greatest goalie career of all-time. Utica Devils move to Albany after the season, and are promptly replaced by the much more name appropriate: "Utica Prowlers" hiring Kenny Rabitdoo as their mascot.
September 1994 - Donovan Middle School closed due to asbestos violations.
September 1995 - Donovan Middle School re-opens. Football team goes undefeated.:-D
June 1997 - An arson epidemic results when serial arsonist John Mantor gets drunk and can't remember where his current girlfrind lives. 1/4 of the city is destroyed, prompting demonstrations and crowds chanting "finish the job" and "Three-quarters to go"!.
August 1998 - Osama bin Laden blows up US embassies in Kenya & Tanzania. Uticans angered as cheese prices force Rocco Grande to increase his prices per pizza slice once again.
December 31st, 1999 - Y2K Virus has nation, and world on edge. With their early 1990s technological sophistication, Uticans fear not.
January 1, 2000 - Uticans still stuck in the mid-80s.
(Undisclosed date) 2000 - Utica Mayor Edward Hanna hastily resigns post amid accusations he attempted to coerce interns to give him blowjobs. City Hall janitor Tim Julian becomes new mayor by default.
October 2000 - March 2001 - Owner of Mohawk Valley Prowlers hockey team steals money and disappears. Players strike. Team folds.
Summer 2002 - Utica City Schools Athletic Director Louis DiGeronimo is arrested for stealing fruit at Price Chopper in North Utica.
2003 - Utica is estimated to be the largest city that begins with a "U". Uticans have yet another timeless, useless fact to add to their repiortoire.
November 22nd, 2004 - The Internet comes to Utica.
Me_too

Syracuse, NY

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#4
Jan 19, 2009
 
Sad but true. Really loved this bit of fun!
Bobby Jindal

New York, NY

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#5
Jan 19, 2009
 
That was the greatest thing I've ever read.

Level 2

Since: Jul 08

Pompey, NY

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#6
Jan 19, 2009
 
Give credit where credit is due:

http://groups.myspace.com/index.cfm...
Nix

Rome, NY

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#7
Jan 19, 2009
 
Dammi! We're BUSTED!
Observer

Kirkville, NY

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#8
Jan 19, 2009
 
April 3rd, 1887 - Utica Zoo Opens, bringing joy to thousands.
April 4th, 1887 - The squirrel escapes. Utica Zoo closes.

I loved that!

Since: May 14

Clifton Park, NY

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#9
Jun 13, 2014
 
Observer wrote:
April 3rd, 1887 - Utica Zoo Opens, bringing joy to thousands.
April 4th, 1887 - The squirrel escapes. Utica Zoo closes.
I loved that!
Lol!

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