"As Jay's Mind Turns"
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Kingsland, GA

#1 May 17, 2013
Let others watch the antics on "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" and other reality shows. I'll stick to my favorite soap opera: "As Jay's Mind Turns." In case you missed the latest episodes this it where it stands:

Finally his father passed to the great beyond, apparently leaving dear Julian a mountain of money (that will magically appear some day). Jay, never one to let sanity get in the way of his plans, unfolds his long "List of Actionable Calumnies" and enjoys drooling dreams about legal-eagles and retribution.(It doesn't occur to our dim hero that any examination of Topix's posts will quickly reveal that he's the chief perpetrator of "Actionable Calumnies").
Meanwhile, as a humorous sub-plot, Julie plans to take IQ tests and publish them in the local paper: an attempt to further solidify his hard-earned reputation as a complete fool. As if this doesn't keep him busy enough, he continues his desperate attempts to become a restaurant critic while committing suicide one forkful at a time.

Really, "As Jay's Mind Turns" is one of the most entertaining soaps around. Imaginary villains, subversive plots, blowhards, paranoia, gluttony...it's all there. Now that's entertainment, folks!

Kingsland, GA

#2 May 17, 2013
It's the number 1 show in Camden County. The only way the ratings could get any higher is if Moreno runs for office again.

Saint Marys, GA

#3 May 17, 2013
Just to hear Moreno explaining in front of a Judge who was Jay Moreno and who is Moreno Jay would put me in depends for the rest of my life.

Kingsland, GA

#4 May 17, 2013
I am really upset about right now. I'm laughing so hard I just peed my pants.

“Ed for SMCC in 2018”

Since: Apr 11

Kingsland, GA

#5 May 17, 2013
I love you, Anti-Jay.

Kingsland, GA

#6 May 17, 2013
Just to pique your interest in this fascinating program, here are a few memorable lines from "As Jay's Mind Turns":

- "Eff off, bubblehead."
- "But then, how many have had their intelligence derided by a-holes such as yourself on this forum?"
- "Note to scumbag who promptly deleted my coup de gras post within moments of my posting it: I'm re-writing it on Word. I'm prepared to re-post it and post it all over the forum 'til Hell freezes over. Devastating, wasn't it, a-hole? Stand by."
- "I am very special. But then, you knew that. That's what really galls your nasty ass."
- "F**k you, nutless, anonymous, coward."
- "It makes perfect sense unless you are a hate-filled a-hole."
- "No sense making excuses. You are about to have the facts shoved up your collective asses once and for all."

And all of those nuggets of literary brilliance were from a single episode called "So What's The Answer, Jay?"!! How does he do it? From what font of artistry does he draw?
There are just too many examples of Jay's sparkling repartee and razor-sharp wit to list here. Tune in yourself to witness the rollicking misadventures of one county's King of the Bon Mots. This zany fun-fest will make you laugh, cry, wonder about the state of mental health in America and vow to start a new diet.

The star makes personal appearances at Walmart on a regular basis. Catch his Oscar-worthy performance as he cruises the aisles looking for peanuts and then scurries home to bemoan his nutless existence online. If you miss him there, just try any restaurant within a 50 mile radius and you're sure to find him at the end of an empty all-you-can-eat buffet.

Anthony Hopkins, Robert De Niro, Cary Grant, Gregory Peck, Swamp People, Kardashians, move over. There's a new star in town! François Simon, hang up your fork and pen - you've been usurped by a more prolific and voracious food critic. All hail Jay! And watch...as his mind turns...

Saint Marys, GA

#7 May 18, 2013
Best Post Award goes to " As Jay's Mind Turns " but you better watch out or you will be on the "list" bahahahahahahahahahahh

Since: Dec 11

Kingsland, GA

#8 May 18, 2013
I have always been a huge "Y & R" fan. But "As Jay's Mind Turns" has now caught my eye. I just may have discovered a new favorite.

Threats, suspense, intrigue, name calling, accusations, denials, and taunting, who could ask for more? If it weren't for the incessant restaurant reviews and talk of eating, my mind would be made up.
Simplistic dolt

Cumming, GA

#9 May 18, 2013
Rumor has it, Amy Bouzaglo of Amy's Baking Company learned her social media skills from the Master himself.

Since: Dec 11

Kingsland, GA

#10 May 18, 2013
Simplistic dolt wrote:
Rumor has it, Amy Bouzaglo of Amy's Baking Company learned her social media skills from the Master himself.
I had no idea what you were talking about until I did a Bing search. I must admit, I see a striking resemblance.

"Everyone is crazy but me syndrome" with a sprinkling of the "s" word. Mr Moreno has a patent. How crass!

Kingsland, GA

#11 May 18, 2013
Nan-zilla wrote:
Threats, suspense, intrigue, name calling, accusations, denials, and taunting, who could ask for more?
Sex? Skin? Nah! Bad idea.

Kingsland, GA

#12 May 18, 2013
Good stuff, Soap.

Kingsland, GA

#13 May 18, 2013
Today's episode introduced spicy notes of foreign intrigue as Jay tackled the onerous task of trying to unravel the mysteries of rôti de bœuf braise.

He put his formidable intellect and culinary expertise to work and took a stab at it, saying "Now, near as I can figure, Rôti de bœuf braise is the French version of beef pot roast. All the recipes I Googled were in French. Not sure, but I would not be surprised if wine is involved."

How shocked our hero was to discover that recipes for a French dish were (gasp) in French! What dastardly "commie-lib" plot is this? Adding a spectacular twist to the tale, he suspects that alcohol might also be a player in this foul morality play of Cow and Grape.

When not pondering the secrets of gastronomic subterfuge, Jay sent pleas out into the ether begging others to read only his words: "Ignore these cyber vandal idiots who attack me. If I could exterminate them, I would. Just ignore the vermin."

Having eaten his fill of the highly-suspect and possibly alcohol-laden dish, he returned to his lair and continued plotting his elaborate revenge against any and all who dare to question his corpulent magnificence. Shaking his fists at the heavens he howls "Congratulations, fool. You are now in my "Actionable calumnies" file. I WILL be coming after you soon after my late father's house sells. See you in court."
Meanwhile, stage right, the hundreds of people he has slandered online chuckle and point.

This series will leave you gasping. Every episode is a cliff-hanger! Will Jay's deceased father's house sell? Will every citizen of Camden County end up in court on charges of "actionable calumnies"? Will Jay ever master Google Translate? Is wine involved in the preparation of rôti de bœuf braise? Does anyone care?

Tune in tomorrow when our hero once again suffers the ignominy of a fruitless search for Walmart nuts and takes to the pages of Topix in search of self-worth via posting racial diatribes, mindless news items, obscene tantrums and insufferable idiocy. In the timeless words of Jay "Bring I on or stuff it." (Later amended to "Damn it! Bring it on or stuff it!).

Speaking of timeless words, we have our daily winner in our Best of Jay contest. Each night you, gentle readers, review threads and suggest the post that most sums up our lead character's personality. Today's winner: "Eat feces-glazed tofu and die. We all know it's you, you gutless, pallid, assless, tofu-breathed, vegan b*tch!"
To the intrepid reader who suggested this one, thank you for reminding us that, in past episodes, Jay sought a position as a school teacher in Camden County.
flip flop

Kingsland, GA

#14 May 19, 2013
Soap, your words are music to my ears.

Since: Dec 11

Kingsland, GA

#15 May 19, 2013
A-J: Now share something with Nan-zilla. You have misplaced your password, have you not?

It really makes no difference, the message is loud and oh so clear as only you could write it. But the avatar was just one more little panty twister that I know made Julian squirm.

Nevertheless, thank you for all you do.
Telling it like it is

Woodbine, GA

#16 May 19, 2013
If Moreno were to ever land a job in the Camden County school system, the lengths I would go through to keep my child from being taught by him are endless.

Kingsland, GA

#17 May 19, 2013
Nan-zilla and others, it is my sad duty to inform you all of the death of our beloved Anti-Jay (and his little dog too).

Several months ago, AJ was enjoying his usual evening stroll through Forsyth Park, Savannah. He'd enjoyed a full and rewarding day of dining in fine establishments and instructing his many admirers in the gentle art of dialectics. Suddenly he was mown down by a crazed madman in a motorized vehicle. An eyewitness, Mr. Socrates B. Hegel, describes the mayhem:

"It was horrifying! From out of nowhere came some sort of maniacal Jabba The Hut in a Dennis the Menace tee shirt. He was hunched over in a super-powered wheelchair, screaming "You’re a** is mine, Anti-Jay!" I swear that he aimed right for AJ and his dog. They didn't stand a chance. Oh, the humanity!"

Several bystanders have been hospitalized due to the visual trauma. Meanwhile the perpetrator of this foul crime continues to elude the authorities.

As per Anti-Jay's wishes, a small service was held at the White House Rose Garden and his ashes were scattered over the grave of Oscar Wilde. His final words, whispered as he lay upon the pavement, expiring from his fatal wounds, were "I shall return..."

May we please all observe a moment of respectful silence.

Kingsland, GA

#18 May 19, 2013
Telling it like it is wrote:
If Moreno were to ever land a job in the Camden County school system, the lengths I would go through to keep my child from being taught by him are endless.
I can understand. I moved mine to keep a Spencer from teaching her. And know others who have done the same.

Saint Marys, GA

#19 May 19, 2013
I am amazed that Jay has not been on here yet!

Kingsland, GA

#20 May 19, 2013
Amazing wrote:
I am amazed that Jay has not been on here yet!
Bless you, Soap. You may have created the first Jay-free thread on Topix! Keep it coming!

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