Special, Chosen and Lucky
Posted in the Spiritwood Forum
#1 Apr 18, 2010
Special, Chosen and Lucky
by Joe Soll, LCSW, DAPA, author of Adoption Healing... a path to recovery,
and Co-author of Evil Exchange and Fatal Flight
How many times do we adoptees hear those three words?
They are presumably said with all good intentions, what goes on inside us
when we hear them?
If I am special, do I have to follow the rules?
If I am chosen, did I come from a baby supermarket? Why did they pick me?
If I am lucky, what makes me so?
If I am special, why was I available to be chosen?
If I was chosen, did someone unchoose me first?
If I am lucky, why do I hurt so much inside?
If I am special, why does it not feel good when I hear it?
If I am chosen, who were the other contestants?
If am lucky, does that mean my first family was "bad" in some way?
Each time someone says either of those words, it is a reminder that we are
adopted. The intent is to make us feel good, not hurt, not think about our
natural mothers. Yet each time we hear these words, how can we not on some
level think of where we came from? It's like telling us to not think of
pink elephants. Each time we hear the words it causes us internal pain. We
may not be conscious of it, but it has to be there.
The reason why we adoptees do so much day-dreaming (which to the uninformed
mental health professionals looks like ADD) is because we are constantly (at
least unconsciously) trying to figure it all out. Who and why are the
biggest unanswered questions and our minds struggle to understand what no
one can or will tell us.
There are phobic and counter phobic reactions to pain and fear.
The phobic adoptee tells no one they are adopted.
The counterphobe flaunts being adopted, tells others how special she or he
In reality, the loss of our mothers at birth was a trauma of the highest
order that is worse than the horrors of war.(Anna Freud) Each time we hear
those three words that trauma is stirred up. When we are separated from our
mothers we experience their death. There is no difference in losing a mother
to death or adoption. Mommy is here, mommy is gone. Poof! Death as far as
the infant's experience goes.
If we are special, does that mean it is good to lose a mom?
If we are chosen, does that mean our parents took us from our mothers on
If we are lucky, does that mean we are lucky our mothers are dead for us?
I like to throw away words that hurt, like the "R" word... Rejection
Maybe we should throw these three words away as well.
Spread the word, throw out "S", "C" and "L" because they are not what they
say they are
"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their
mission can alter the course of history. " --
#2 Dec 14, 2012
YOU seems to be the only person who has an issue with being adopted. Get over yourself and grow up.
Special-not all children are wanted by their families
Chosen-you were placed into a family for a reason
Lucky-you could have been aborted
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and making adoption look terrible... Get the help you need to deal with your issues.
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