"The Onion" confuses you people doesn...

"The Onion" confuses you people doesn't it?

Posted in the Spencerport Forum

“Lovin' you is fuuu-uuun...”

Since: Apr 09

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#1 May 3, 2013
DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time customers will be able to purchase 50 appetizers at the discounted price of $250. “Try 12 servings of our tempting Boneless Wings, followed by 20 plates of Chicken Quesadillas Grande, and polish it off with 18 baskets of our Crunchy Onion Rings—all for just $250 plus tax and tip,” Applebee’s representative Gavin Feig said in a press release, noting that the special allows customers to pay substantially less than they would if they were to buy 50 appetizers individually. “Best of all, the deal is valid with the purchase of any entrée on our menu, including our longest-running favorite, the 25-Steak Dinner Deal.” Feig added that the offer does not apply to orders of Chili Cheese Nachos, saying, “It’s just the rule.”

“Lovin' you is fuuu-uuun...”

Since: Apr 09

drop the puck, Ref...

#2 May 3, 2013
BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today, prompting authorities to release him from custody. “At approximately 8:00 a.m. this morning, the suspect’s attorney posted his $2,000 bond, making Mr. Tsarnaev a free man for the time being,” Boston Police Department Commissioner Edward Davis told reporters at a press conference hours after Tsarnaev’s discharge from Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, adding that the 19-year-old terror suspect is not considered a flight risk due to his high recognizability and injured state. “Per the terms of his bail, the suspect will be unable to leave the state of Massachusetts and must check in with officers once a week until his trial date. Should he violate the terms of his release or fail to show up for trial, he stands to forfeit the entirety of the bond.” Tsarnaev was unable to be reached for comment

“Lovin' you is fuuu-uuun...”

Since: Apr 09

drop the puck, Ref...

#3 May 3, 2013
ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly H7N9 avian influenza. “I told my warbler friend whose buddy got bird flu recently, and he was like, ‘Ken, relax, it’s not bird flu—you just ate some bad seeds,’ but still, I’m kind of freaked out,” said the concerned passer domesticus, adding that it’s pretty sure it is exhibiting at least a few of the major symptoms related to the treatment-resistant illness spreading throughout the Hunan province. “As soon as I left the nest this morning, I felt like total shit. Five minutes later, I’m puking all my seeds up. I don’t even have any more seeds left to puke—I’m just dry heaving from my beak now.” The sparrow then told reporters it would try to get some thistle in its stomach and hope its condition doesn’t get worse.

“Lovin' you is fuuu-uuun...”

Since: Apr 09

drop the puck, Ref...

#4 May 3, 2013
from the Daily Currant:

Bachmann:‘We Must Ban Falafel’ in School Lunches

Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann courted controversy today by claiming that falafel and other "jihadi foods" should be banned from school lunches in the United States.

In an interview with local television station KSTP in Minneapolis, Bachmann explained that after visiting a local elementary school she was shocked to find that falafel - a fried vegetable patty popular in the Arab world - was being served as a option on the vegetarian menu.

Ostensibly in the studio to discuss her close race for reelection against Democratic challenger Jim Graves, Bachmann instead used the time to appeal for a nationwide movement against Arab cuisine.

Startled by the parochial nature of her statements, KSTP anchor Chris Johnson felt obliged to challenge her reasoning:

"I have to ask Ms. Bachmann, why is that a problem? I mean some children like the taste of falafel, what's wrong with that?"

"Chris, falafel is a gateway food," responded Bachmann, "It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma. After a while they say 'hey this tastes good, I wonder what else comes from Arabia?' "

"Before you know it our children are listening to Muslim music, reading the Koran, and plotting attacks against the homeland."

"We need to stop these terror cakes now, before they infiltrate any further."


Bachmann stopped short of advocating a ban on all Arab food, saying that "responsible adults can probably use Arab food safely in moderation."

However, she made clear that she was frightened by the pace at which the cuisine has permeated the U.S.:

"I have a friend in Texas who has to homeschool her children because her local public school forces students to eat hummus. Its everywhere now. This is really scary stuff."

Bachmann then intimated that the widespread use of Arab foods in American schools could be the sign of a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top:

"I have no proof that President Obama is forcing our children to eat Arab and Middle Eastern food. But it would certainly fit the pattern."

Bachmann has a history of controversial statements regarding Islam and the role of Muslims in America.

She says her first priority upon returning to congress will be to introduce a bill protecting America's children from the dangers of Muslim cooking:

"We must ban falafel and other jihadi foods in schools before its too late."

pigpen911

Since: Mar 11

Location hidden

#5 May 3, 2013
The Onion confuses people with closed minds 99% of the time Kat.

“Lovin' you is fuuu-uuun...”

Since: Apr 09

drop the puck, Ref...

#6 May 3, 2013
The Spoof:
Thursday, 2 May 2013

WASHINGTON, D.C.- President Obama has given in to some of his advisers and he will be making a trip to Pyongyang, North Korea to meet with Kim Jong Un.

The president said that he had been invited to be the guest of the North Korean leader two weeks ago but he has kept putting it off so he can spend some quality time with the First Mama.

At first, the president suggested that Vice-President Joe Biden make the trip instead of him, but after talking it over with Michelle, her mom, and George Clooney, he decided that he would go himself.

Reports that former NBA star Dennis Rodman wants to go along have as yet not been confirmed.

Chung Duck Ho, a spokesperson for Kim Jong Un has said that the North Korean leader would like to have Rodman go on the trip since he just happens to be his number one fan.

Duck Ho stated that he would also like for the president to bring along about 25 or 30 pepperoni pizzas.

SIDENOTE: North Korean singer Psy has said that he will be performing at a special concert in honor of President Obama, Kim Jong Un, and Dennis Rodman.

“Lovin' you is fuuu-uuun...”

Since: Apr 09

drop the puck, Ref...

#7 May 3, 2013
The Currant:

Ann Coulter Refuses to Board Airplane With Black Pilot

Conservative commentator and author Ann Coulter refused to stay on board a Miami to New York commercial airline flight today after learning the pilot was a woman of African-American descent.

According to witness reports Coulter was concerned the experienced, decorated pilot in question may have gained her position as a result of affirmative action and wasn't fully qualified to fly.

The incident began when Coulter boarded the American Airlines flight and took up her first class seat. After a trip to the bathroom, she noticed the pilot was a black woman and became immediately distraught.

According to passengers, at that point Coulter stood at the front of the cabin and began screaming her concerns to the entire flight as they finished boarding.

"Aw come on people, a black woman flying a plane? You know she got that job through affirmative action. Am I the only one worried about this? I mean hello? Our lives are at stake here..."



Ann Of Mean Labels

The confused passengers weren't sure what to make of Coulter's outburst, and remained completely silent.

"Really? So we're just gonna let this happen? We're gonna let political correctness determine our safety? Is this what we've come to in Obama's America? Letting just anyone fly a plane out of fear of being called a racist?"

"Oh come on don't be coy. I know you're all thinking it! I just have the courage to say what everyone on this plane is thinking. Am I right?"

"I mean what's next? Are we gonna let Mexicans become doctors now? Jesus Christ people!"

Realizing her efforts to provoke a mutiny had come to naught, Coulter then took her carry-on bags and bolted back up the jetway towards the gate against the orders of the flight attendants.

Final Descent Into Madness

In reality the pilot of the plane was trained by the U.S. Air Force and was a decorated veteran of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, where she flew aerial refueling missions for transport and reconnaissance aircraft.

She has been flying for American Airlines for four years, and is one of that airline's most experienced 737 pilots.

After the incident Coulter was taken in for questioning because violating the instructions of flight attendants is a federal offence. Law enforcement officials, however, say no charges will be filed.

"Clearly this woman has some sort of mental illness," explains TSA spokesperson Dirk Diggler, "We recommended against pressing charges, and mandated a full psychiatric evaluation."

Coulter, however, is unapologetic about her actions. In a statement released on her official Tumblr she defended her decision to stay off the plane.

"I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time. I'm not gonna risk my life for the sake of some liberal fantasy of equality. "

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