My wife is trying to force me to get ...

My wife is trying to force me to get a vasectomy!

Posted in the Smyrna Forum

RandyOne

Smyrna, GA

#1 Dec 31, 2012
A little background first. We've been married for almost 9 years, together for 13 years. I am a 38 year old black man of Caribbean decent. She is a 48 white woman from New Hampshire. We now reside in Atlanta and have two beautiful girls, age 8 & 6.

Since the marriage and the kids we have had very little sex. Usually once every 6 weeks on average after I make her feel guilty about it. She never ever initiates. We talk about it and nothing changes.

She recently had her iud removed, which shes had in for about 4 years because I read online that it may affect a woman's mood and sex drive. I haven't noticed any change in her since the removal over a month ago. She still is completely not affectionate, no sex drive, no desire to exercise, and has a bitchy attitude. On top of that, she's telling me that we won't have sex again until I get a vasectomy. I don't think this is fair. When she got the iud, that was supposed to allow us the freedom to have a great sex life. That never happened, so I don't think anything is going to change if I get a vasectomy.

I am so frustrated. This has gone on for way too many years. If it weren't for my desire to be in my kids life, I would have left a long time ago. What do you think I should do?
wow

Evansville, IN

#2 Jan 1, 2013
Ouch
Blue eyes

Altavista, VA

#3 Jun 6, 2013
Wow! I am sorry to hear that. Maybe it takes a while for the affects of the birth control to get out of her system. I am in my 2nd marriage. First marriage I ask my then husband to have a vasectomy bc I heard it was easier for a man to have it done as opposed to a more complicated surgical procedure for the woman. He did. But honestly I just was never attracted to him like I should have been and the sex didn't pick up for us even after. On average about once every 3 weeks or so. After we divorced I met my now husband and from the start I was and am so attracted to every move this man makes! We have a daughter together (I have 4 children total) and after her birth I had a tubal ligation. The procedure wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I feel unattending to my husbands sexual needs if we go 3 days without sex; I couldn't imagine going weeks! On average we have sex about 3 times a week, and "quiky's" are non existent in our bedroom. It's always intimate and amazing.
I'm thinking maybe you two need to get counseling. Maybe she has low self esteem causing her to feel less attractive?? The more sexy a woman feels, the more she wants to explore and have her body explored.
SandMan

Chesapeake, VA

#4 Jul 12, 2013
Your situation is exactly like mine; I mean to the letter.
Devin

Macon, MO

#5 Jul 17, 2013
Get a new wife! Not a vasectomy! Unless your the one wanting one!
Otherman

France

#6 Jul 19, 2013
I have a conflicted idea about vasectomy.
My wife ask me to get one and first promise me a better sex life. Because i was not sure even if it seems the most ogical and natural contraception. So then she said she would hold sex if i was not doing it. In the end i did, our sex life did not change still have sex once or twice a week, but it's as good as it was. But in the same time i felt abuse.
I think many men live in abusive marriage and become abusive themselves. My wife did not accept me how i was and try to change me, that's abuse. I fought changing and become abusive.
But maybe the solution is mindfulness and love. I would advice anyone to get into an abusive relatonship program and read about mindfulness.
And instead of asking bitterly to have sex, maybe you should start by dating at the restaurant just the two of you, offer her a massage at a therapist, or give her massages with out expecting after.... then she will come to you
the more you ask the less you get
the more you give love the more you will receive sex.
SameProblem

Orpington, UK

#7 Sep 16, 2013
@RandyOne this sounds very much like my life now, except that for "weeks" between sex, you can substitute "months".

IUD etc out of the question as far as she's concerned.

I'm not convinced that a vasectomy will help us either. Apparently, she's decided that because she suffered so much through pregnancy (complications on first birth and blames her coeliac disease on getting pregnant), it's not my turn to suffer. Talking about the risks of vasectomy (pain conditions, links to dementia, etc) just seems to encourage her!

Wow, it sounds bad when I put it like that...

Anyhow, it'd be interesting to hear how your situation resolved itself @RandyOne?
SameProblem

Orpington, UK

#8 Sep 16, 2013
not my turn = now my turn, obv.

Just to add, thinking about it, when she was on the pill after second child we only had sex once every few months or so. Can't see anything changing after a vasectomy.
Not alone

Bristol, UK

#9 Oct 19, 2013
wow glad I found this thread, would appear to be in the same situation, except no promise of more or greater sex, wouldn't believe that one anyhow!!. But I have had the pregnancy thing thrown at me (we have 3 kids already, we had a massive row once about it (before baby number 3 came along) back then my reason was if we separated I may want more children with my new wife (note to all men out there DON'T USE THIS AS A REASON even if it is the truth its like throwing petrol on to a fire!!!)
Should point out baby no 3 was wanted took my wife 2 years to come around to the idea after I said I wanted more children. Personally I'm dead against the idea of the snip now that ugly conversation has raised its head again, when I have raised other concerns, my wife points out friends husbands that have had it done and they didn't notice any pain or discomfort or lack of desire but then one husband is a bit of slob and can't bothered with sex and the other is a little bit whipped and is happy having sex once or twice every couple of months.
I think my second biggest issue behind if we split (and there is no reason to think we will, I just like playing a second hand) is whilst I'm not religious but I am a bit of an evolutionist so too me this is a little bit unnatural and whilst I have fulfilled my act of gene pool survival there may be a case where I have to or need to do it again.
I don't have any issue as such with condoms except I have an allergy of some kind to something in them (been that way ever since I became active and its all brands I have tried) and trust me if there is one place that you don't want to or need to see a rash it's there!! Whilst my wife has not said it yet, the way the conversation went she might as well of said if you want or expect sex again its either the snip or condoms, so stuck between a rock and a hard place
rant and waffle over!!!
Mark

Oakville, Canada

#10 Feb 15, 2015
Not alone wrote:
wow glad I found this thread, would appear to be in the same situation, except no promise of more or greater sex, wouldn't believe that one anyhow!!. But I have had the pregnancy thing thrown at me (we have 3 kids already, we had a massive row once about it (before baby number 3 came along) back then my reason was if we separated I may want more children with my new wife (note to all men out there DON'T USE THIS AS A REASON even if it is the truth its like throwing petrol on to a fire!!!)
Should point out baby no 3 was wanted took my wife 2 years to come around to the idea after I said I wanted more children. Personally I'm dead against the idea of the snip now that ugly conversation has raised its head again, when I have raised other concerns, my wife points out friends husbands that have had it done and they didn't notice any pain or discomfort or lack of desire but then one husband is a bit of slob and can't bothered with sex and the other is a little bit whipped and is happy having sex once or twice every couple of months.
I think my second biggest issue behind if we split (and there is no reason to think we will, I just like playing a second hand) is whilst I'm not religious but I am a bit of an evolutionist so too me this is a little bit unnatural and whilst I have fulfilled my act of gene pool survival there may be a case where I have to or need to do it again.
I don't have any issue as such with condoms except I have an allergy of some kind to something in them (been that way ever since I became active and its all brands I have tried) and trust me if there is one place that you don't want to or need to see a rash it's there!! Whilst my wife has not said it yet, the way the conversation went she might as well of said if you want or expect sex again its either the snip or condoms, so stuck between a rock and a hard place
rant and waffle over!!!
I had this conversation last night on Valentine's Day at dinner. She asked me about getting s snipped as she's on the pill and it's not hoot long term for her health. I told he flat out why? It's not like we have sex often, so why not just use condoms? If we had sex all the time it would be different. That shut her up.
Mark

Oakville, Canada

#11 Feb 15, 2015
Mark wrote:
<quoted text>
I had this conversation last night on Valentine's Day at dinner. She asked me about getting s snipped as she's on the pill and it's not hoot long term for her health. I told he flat out why? It's not like we have sex often, so why not just use condoms? If we had sex all the time it would be different. That shut her up.
Just to add one more point, she'd rather be on Facebook, playing games related to Fscebook, or nutting. She's totslly let herself go. However gets sooooo jealous if I chst with another woman who's remotely hot.
V Club Member

United States

#12 Feb 16, 2015
At least getting snipped eliminates any cute future child support payments from running around!
Ross Harris

Lawrenceville, GA

#13 Mar 31, 2015
I wish my wife would have let me have a vasectomy.
LarryT2404

Vernon Rockville, CT

#14 May 11, 2015
Trust me, nothing is going to change after the vasectomy. If she wanted to have sex with you, she'd have sex with you, plain and simple. For women, sex can be based more on emotions than sexual gratification. So if you're not rocking her boat in just about every department, or you aren't a sexual dynamo and as good-looking as Brad Pitt, you can forget the sex. This applies to MOST women.
My wife and I had to engage in a lot of non-vaginal intercourse (oral, anal, etc) in order to get me off; condoms did not work for either of us. She got tired of all the additional "work" and, in order to persuade me to have a vasectomy - all possible complications aside - told me we would have more sex, and outside of the times in which SHE is horny (about 1x a month for roughly 3-4 days after her period). I had a vasectomy about 6 months ago and got the all clear 3 months ago, after about 4 months of pain, swollen balls, painful ejaculations, etc, etc. Our sex life picked up for about a month, i.e. sex when I was in the mood, but for the last two months we're back in the usual routine of 1 x a month, and only when she's in the mood. I confronted her about it and she told me she wasn't in the mood and it wasn't her "horny" time of the month. So, back to normal. The only difference in our sex life pre- and post-vasectomy is that when we do get funky (when she wants to, in other words), I don't have to wear a condom, don't have to pull out, and end up doing all of the work (without the added benefit of anal or oral, mind you). So there's the drawback. That and potential dementia and testicular cancer later on. The plus? No additional unwanted child support orders walking around.
RandyOne

Smyrna, GA

#15 Jun 4, 2015
Update: My situation finally got resolved when my wife's doctor told her that she is highly unlikely to get pregnant due to onset of menopause. This also could explain her decrease in libido, basically over the past 10 years. That's a long time to deal with a woman that doesn't want to have sex. I have strayed many times believing that what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Masturbation is cool sometimes but I much prefer contact with a willing female. Who wants to have to beg their wife for sex?
At this point I am in this marriage for the kids. My wife is much too into her job, reality TV, and her pets to realize she is rarely giving me any positive energy. I guess this is why men back in the day had multiple wives.
Adam G

Killeen, TX

#18 Sep 19, 2015
My first wife did just that. I had The be tony because of religious convictions. Two yrs later divorces me. She remarries and has a child. I have none because I can not afford the reversal. She never offered to pay for anything. She thinks she had done nothing wrong. She does not understand way I have issue to the day. So tell her to get fixed. I also have suffered mental and physical side effects from the procedures.
I love my wife

Toronto, Canada

#20 Nov 30, 2016
I see it's mostly men commenting on this thread. And sounds like not a lot are taking the time to research what a woman's body goes through after birth and then the effects on a woman's Hormones being on birth control. One person commented on being more affectionate and not in a sexual way, that will score you more points on getting what you want in the end. What won't get your points is making your woman feel like she is not good enough for you and cannot meet your needs.
Sounds like all your women have children and maybe work..? Every day it's the mother who is getting the children ready, preparing meals, cleaning house and remembering important dates. Do you men help with more than 1 of those in a daily basis?
Before everyone jumps to say "it's my wife's fault we don't have enough sex" think about what you all are doing to help elevate some of the work load.
She has walked around for 9 months with an alien in her body, morning sickness, back pain, loss sleep and then pushing a human out of her vagina. Then comes the time to take care of the baby and putting herself until those children go off to school. It's one painless procedure and will make your wife greatful and happy, not to mention it is reversible so before everyone assumes it won't help with the sex drive you have no idea.

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