Characteristics Of An Abusive Mother

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Delcia

Kennett, MO

#1 Feb 3, 2010
Interesting studies being performed, presently, in the real world, directed towards abusive mothers. From the accompanying link...

General Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Mothers

Making the child/teen feel responsible for the mother's feelings.

Threatening them in general.

Threatening them specifically with rejection or abandonment.

Threatening them with vague, unstated consequences.

Using force upon them.

Invalidating their feelings.

Laying undeserved guilt on them.

Placing undeserved blame on them.

Dominating the conversations.

Refusing to apologize.

Always needing to have the last word.

Judging or rejecting their friends.

Sending them to their rooms for crying.

Locking them out of the house.

Using punishments and rewards to manipulate and control them.

Invading their privacy.

Under-estimating them.

Failing to show trust in them.

Labeling them.

Criticizing them.

Giving them the silent treatment.

Failing to give them real explanations.

Giving non-explanations such as "because it is wrong" or "because it is inappropriate" or "because it is a sin"

Slapping (see below)

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm
Delcia

Kennett, MO

#2 Feb 3, 2010
From the aforementioned link...

Comparison Table-Emotionally Needy Mothers VS. Emotionally Abusive Mothers.

Emotionally Needy Mothers...

1.More likely to feel bad when they do something which hurts their child or teen.

2. More likely to apologize.

3. Less likely to get defensive.

4. More likely to try not to do the same thing again.

5. More likely to be able to express their feelings with feeling words and "I messages"

6. More likely to be aware of their own specific feelings and unmet emotional needs.

7. More likely to take responsibility for their own feelings and emotional needs.

8. Less likely to continue invalidating the child or teen once the child/teen says they feel invalidated.

9. More likely to hug their son or daughter when they are crying or in emotional pain (especially if the mother does not feel in any way responsible)

10. Less likely to say something like "stop crying"

Emotionally Abusive Mothers

1. Less likely to really care how their child or teen feels

2. Less likely to apologize.

3. More likely to get defensive.

4. More likely to keep repeating the same abusive things.

5. More likely to attack and label the child or teen with names and "you" messages.(Example: You are spoiled, lazy, selfish)

6. Less likely to be aware of their own specific feelings and their unmet emotional needs.

7. More likely to blame their feelings on the child or teen (You disappointed me.)

8. More likely to continue invalidating the child or teen once the child/teen says they feel invalidated. More likely to say "I am not invalidating you." or "Stop psychoanalyzing me and feeling sorry for yourself." or any number of other invalidating things.

9. Less likely to hug their son or daughter no matter what the circumstance.

10. More likely to say something like "stop crying."
Delcia

Kennett, MO

#3 Feb 3, 2010
From the link...

Good Mother VS. Bad Mother Test

1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you." "What he did was unforgivable."

2.Does she tell you that it is a sign of weakness to cry?

3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes?,

4. Does your mother always have to have the last word?

5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguements?

6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?

7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you?

8. Does your mother ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you."

9. Does she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"

10. Does your mother say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?

Number of "Yes" Answers

0-2 You seem to have a pretty good mother or even a great mother.

3-5 Your mother is probably not good for your emotional health.

6-8 Your mother is somewhat emotionally abusive.

9-10 Your mother is very emotionally abusive.

Delcia

Kennett, MO

#4 Feb 3, 2010
Accompanying video, from aforementioned link...

&

Since: Dec 09

Portageville

#5 Feb 3, 2010
Sure sounds familiar??????
Delcia

Kennett, MO

#6 Feb 3, 2010
Legal ramifications, if pressed, could be substantial.

"Child abuse is broadly defined in many states as any type of cruelty inflicted upon a child, including mental abuse, physical harm, neglect, and sexual abuse or exploitation. The specific crimes charged in instances of child abuse can include assault and battery. In many states, certain individuals and caregivers are required by law to report suspected child abuse."

"Child Abuse
It's a crime in every state for a parent, or a person in the role of parent, to intentionally or recklessly injure a child. The injury involved may be:

•Physical
•Psychological
•Both physical and psychological
A state may require a parent to accept parenting training or assistance.

In extreme cases, the state may remove the child from the parent's home and place the child in an alternate home, usually either with a relative or in foster care.

In extraordinary cases, where the parent's conduct has been particularly outrageous or the parent shows a lack of capacity for rehabilitation, a court will terminate the parental relationship between the child and the parent. The child may be placed with a new family for adoption.

Each state has a procedure for reporting child abuse cases to an appropriate authority.

Each state also requires some individuals to report any observed incidents of abuse. This typically applies at a minimum to:

•Teachers
•Medical professionals
•Law enforcement personnel
Some states expand this reporting responsibility to all citizens.
Delcia

Kennett, MO

#7 Feb 3, 2010
Also, it appears the statute of limitations involving the prosecution of child abuse cases may extend to the life term of the abused.

"No statute of limitations that would otherwise preclude
prosecution for an offense involving the sexual or physical abuse,
or kidnaping, of a child under the age of 18 years shall preclude
such prosecution during the life of the child."

18 USC 3283
Delcia

Kennett, MO

#8 Feb 3, 2010
Risk factors for child abuse and neglect

Untreated mental illness. Parents who suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or another mental illness have trouble taking care of themselves, much less their children. A mentally ill or traumatized parent may be distant and withdrawn from his or her children, or quick to anger without understanding why. Treatment for the caregiver means better care for the children.

Lack of parenting skills. Some caregivers never learned the skills necessary for good parenting. Teen parents, for example, might have unrealistic expectations about how much care babies and small children need. Or parents who where themselves victims of child abuse may only know how to raise their children the way they were raised. In such cases, parenting classes, therapy, and caregiver support groups are great resources for learning better parenting skills.
axel

Kennett, MO

#9 Feb 15, 2010
To the top for The Colulmbia Delcia.
Needy

Ballwin, MO

#10 Feb 16, 2010
Delcia wrote:
From the aforementioned link...
Comparison Table-Emotionally Needy Mothers VS. Emotionally Abusive Mothers.
Emotionally Needy Mothers...
1.More likely to feel bad when they do something which hurts their child or teen.
2. More likely to apologize.
3. Less likely to get defensive.
4. More likely to try not to do the same thing again.
5. More likely to be able to express their feelings with feeling words and "I messages"
6. More likely to be aware of their own specific feelings and unmet emotional needs.
7. More likely to take responsibility for their own feelings and emotional needs.
8. Less likely to continue invalidating the child or teen once the child/teen says they feel invalidated.
9. More likely to hug their son or daughter when they are crying or in emotional pain (especially if the mother does not feel in any way responsible)
10. Less likely to say something like "stop crying"
Emotionally Abusive Mothers
1. Less likely to really care how their child or teen feels
2. Less likely to apologize.
3. More likely to get defensive.
4. More likely to keep repeating the same abusive things.
5. More likely to attack and label the child or teen with names and "you" messages.(Example: You are spoiled, lazy, selfish)
6. Less likely to be aware of their own specific feelings and their unmet emotional needs.
7. More likely to blame their feelings on the child or teen (You disappointed me.)
8. More likely to continue invalidating the child or teen once the child/teen says they feel invalidated. More likely to say "I am not invalidating you." or "Stop psychoanalyzing me and feeling sorry for yourself." or any number of other invalidating things.
9. Less likely to hug their son or daughter no matter what the circumstance.
10. More likely to say something like "stop crying."
Did you find anything on top ten signs of "Perfect Mother?" Has anyone ever defined that? If so, please post or attach link.
not you again

Wentzville, MO

#11 Feb 18, 2010
Needy wrote:
<quoted text>
Did you find anything on top ten signs of "Perfect Mother?" Has anyone ever defined that? If so, please post or attach link.
A mother who does none of the 10 things listed.
Needy

Saint Louis, MO

#12 Feb 24, 2010
not you again wrote:
<quoted text>
A mother who does none of the 10 things listed.
Wow! I'm a perfect mother! I'm going to tell all my friends about this so they can check to see if they are too!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Feb 25, 2010
Delcia wrote:
From the link...
Good Mother VS. Bad Mother Test
1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you." "What he did was unforgivable."
2.Does she tell you that it is a sign of weakness to cry?
3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes?,
4. Does your mother always have to have the last word?
5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguements?
6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?
7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you?
8. Does your mother ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you."
9. Does she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"
10. Does your mother say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?
Number of "Yes" Answers
0-2 You seem to have a pretty good mother or even a great mother.
3-5 Your mother is probably not good for your emotional health.
6-8 Your mother is somewhat emotionally abusive.
9-10 Your mother is very emotionally abusive.
I remember things like, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about?" when she never bothered to tell me why she hit me in the first place, but sometimes gave vague examples, like "I'm not going to have a heathern in my house."

Everything was always my fault, too, no matter what it was. If I ever asked her a question or (God forbid) disagreed with her, she'd fly into a rage and wouldn't even hear anything I had to say.

I seriously don't think she has any redeeming qualities whatsoever. That's sad to say. Even the most low-life human beings I know are good at something or useful in some way, but not her. To make matters worse, she is in full and complete denial about anything negative about her. If someone says something positive about her, no matter how far-fetched it is, she hangs onto that statement and acts like it's the gospel truth, but if someone says something the least bit negative, she acts like that person is jealous and hateful and out to get her.

She reads here and posts here (spamming the forum), but she never, ever, ever addresses me directly.
guest

Chaffee, MO

#14 Feb 25, 2010
wow, sounds like a few women i know. i know from experience that these words are far harder to do than say but let me try: don't let her get to you!
years of mental torment is something i know to well and hate to remember but its on a totally different level when it comes from the 1 woman who you need approval from. i moved 4 hours away from my mother because yelling over a phone we could hang up easier than stomping out of each others house and putting our families through it. the internet was awesome too, could talk without hearing her attitude in every word. now she has dementia and i finally like her. sad but true, she wanted constant turmoil in her life-at least with me. she was 1 messed up lady and i am a better person because i refuse to be that person with my children. i am strong and i control me. i won.
SecureGirl

Saint Louis, MO

#15 Feb 25, 2010
guest wrote:
wow, sounds like a few women i know. i know from experience that these words are far harder to do than say but let me try: don't let her get to you!
years of mental torment is something i know to well and hate to remember but its on a totally different level when it comes from the 1 woman who you need approval from. i moved 4 hours away from my mother because yelling over a phone we could hang up easier than stomping out of each others house and putting our families through it. the internet was awesome too, could talk without hearing her attitude in every word. now she has dementia and i finally like her. sad but true, she wanted constant turmoil in her life-at least with me. she was 1 messed up lady and i am a better person because i refuse to be that person with my children. i am strong and i control me. i won.
I'm so glad you did! There are a few famous quotes I have read throughout my 43 years that I only read once but never forgot because of the impact they had on my thinking. My favorite is:

“You learn far more from negative leadership than from positive leadership. Because you learn how not to do it. And, therefore, you learn how to do it.”--General Norman Schwarzkopf

This is for all aspects of life, including motherhood.
guest

Chaffee, MO

#16 Feb 25, 2010
SecureGirl wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm so glad you did! There are a few famous quotes I have read throughout my 43 years that I only read once but never forgot because of the impact they had on my thinking. My favorite is:
“You learn far more from negative leadership than from positive leadership. Because you learn how not to do it. And, therefore, you learn how to do it.”--General Norman Schwarzkopf
This is for all aspects of life, including motherhood.
thank you! i like that quote. my favorite is still: "that which does not kill you makes you stronger"(believe me, i wish to die many times growing up)

“Bootheel Born and Raised”

Since: Aug 10

Location hidden

#17 Aug 27, 2010
I wonder why this thread got buried?
Lilycove

Spokane, WA

#18 Feb 16, 2013
guest wrote:
wow, sounds like a few women i know. i know from experience that these words are far harder to do than say but let me try: don't let her get to you!
years of mental torment is something i know to well and hate to remember but its on a totally different level when it comes from the 1 woman who you need approval from. i moved 4 hours away from my mother because yelling over a phone we could hang up easier than stomping out of each others house and putting our families through it. the internet was awesome too, could talk without hearing her attitude in every word. now she has dementia and i finally like her. sad but true, she wanted constant turmoil in her life-at least with me. she was 1 messed up lady and i am a better person because i refuse to be that person with my children. i am strong and i control me. i won.
This made me cry... Reading through the signs ans whatnot, it was all the validation I already knew but needed to see in print. Your post about overcoming her and not being that to your kids hit me, as the internet likes to say, "right in the feels". I recently suffered a miscarriage and she treats it like nothing happened, but I so desperately want to be a good mother someday... You won, and I'm so very happy for you :) Someday I hope to win, too.
That-girl

Woonsocket, RI

#19 May 13, 2013
I have two younger sisters im 15 my mom calls me the rudest names and makes fun of my every move she leaves me out of a lot of thing and goes and gets my sister icecream and stuff like that and makes me watch them eat it every night i cry i really dont one what to do
Brynn

Aurora, CO

#20 May 19, 2013
Faisal al-Hashemi wrote:
<quoted text>
I remember things like, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about?" when she never bothered to tell me why she hit me in the first place, but sometimes gave vague examples, like "I'm not going to have a heathern in my house."
Everything was always my fault, too, no matter what it was. If I ever asked her a question or (God forbid) disagreed with her, she'd fly into a rage and wouldn't even hear anything I had to say.
I seriously don't think she has any redeeming qualities whatsoever. That's sad to say. Even the most low-life human beings I know are good at something or useful in some way, but not her. To make matters worse, she is in full and complete denial about anything negative about her. If someone says something positive about her, no matter how far-fetched it is, she hangs onto that statement and acts like it's the gospel truth, but if someone says something the least bit negative, she acts like that person is jealous and hateful and out to get her.
She reads here and posts here (spamming the forum), but she never, ever, ever addresses me directly.
My mom is exactly the same. But worse. Can anyone help me get out of my situation!!! I am only 12.

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