Elaine

Houston, TX

#1 Aug 12, 2013
He asks the waiter why he has a spoon in his pocket.
"If a customer drops a spoon I save time by handing him this one and not going all the way back to the kitchen to get a new spoon"

The man notices the waiter has a string sticking out of the waiter's fly.

'What's the string for?"

"It's tied to my penis.If I have to piss I pull my pecker out with the string, that way I save time by not having to wash my hands."

'How do you put your penis back in your pants when you are done?"

"With the spoon"
reed

Crosby, TX

#2 Aug 12, 2013
if the restaurant is on westheimer in HOUSTON I bet there would be lots of dropped spoons.
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#3 Aug 13, 2013
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Elaine

Houston, TX

#4 Aug 29, 2013
Picture of clark alley





THE LAST KISS


Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says in a gruff voice,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers - and even the State Trooper - and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#5 Aug 29, 2013
Texas Sheriffs Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be
accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,

six lawyers,

six meth dealers,

six Muslim extremists,

six Democrats,

and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"

I LOVE TEXAS
Elaine

Houston, TX

#7 Sep 12, 2013
A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed and the baker doesn't notice.

The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever we are? You rednecks can never beat that!"

The redneck says to the black guy: "Watch this. A Redneck is always smarter than a black man."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, Iíll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which redneck promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Redneck eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The redneck says: "Look in his pocket

Elaine

Houston, TX

#8 Sep 12, 2013
The Louisiana State Po-lice



Louisiana State Po-lice had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.

Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin," he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins."

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum body bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the Commander. "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#9 Sep 23, 2013
Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I try to finish what I tried to start Monday to Friday.

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