Who do you support for U.S. House in ...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#596 Jun 23, 2014
A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner – to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species.

While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job – to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.

The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents,“What’s the food like here?”

One of the zoo’s resident lions said,“Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish and chimps, along with mushy bees.”

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#598 Jun 24, 2014
Gay Greggg Hobby wrote:
<quoted text>Would you like a boyfriend? I'm single if you're interested.
Thank you, but no! Big Stevie is a proud, and confidant heterosexual who does not indulge in such trivialities. You have a nice day, however, my homosexual friend, for Big Stevie, though not of your ilk, wishes you no harm whatsoever. Live and let live!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#600 Jun 25, 2014
A "vertically challenged" psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail, the following day, and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!!!"
Anyone

Paducah, KY

#601 Jun 25, 2014
Travis

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#605 Jul 3, 2014
The Game Warden came to a small high school, in Juneau, Alaska to give a lecture on how to spot, and identify, what kinds of bears were roaming in the area. He said that it was always best to wear a bracelet, of tiny little silver bells, when they are out in the woods. In this way, the bears would hear the ringing, and wouldn't be startled, when the students entered the area where the bears were. He explained to them that they could tell what kinds of bears were around by looking at where they took a crap, and saw what was in it.

As he was talking, he explained that most of the bears would have nuts and berries, in their "leavings," because that was their natural diet.

One student raised his hand and said, "Mr. Game Warden, how do you identify where a Grizzly bear has been?

The Game Warden replied, "Now, with the Grizzly bear, you will find a much larger "deposit," and it will have nuts and berries in it, too, along with several tiny silver bells."

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#610 Jul 8, 2014
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you! Do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "What is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "You can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#612 Jul 10, 2014
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Phaque

Bowling Green, KY

#613 Jul 10, 2014
Bootsy Baker.....

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#615 Jul 12, 2014
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents:“There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
haah

United States

#616 Jul 13, 2014
BIG_STEVIE wrote:
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents:“There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
Cute!

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#617 Jul 13, 2014
haah wrote:
<quoted text>
Cute!
Thank you, haah, I'm glad you enjoyed the joke. Have a wonderful day, my friend, and I hope you like this next one, too!
Wow

United States

#619 Jul 13, 2014
Who cares
ji

Fairfax, VA

#620 Jul 13, 2014
Ok

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#623 Aug 5, 2014
I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us, and she immediately dropped to her knees, quivering and spasming in anticipation, and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making mad passionate love, I thought, "Wow! This Taser really is worth the money!"

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#627 Aug 9, 2014
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the two chickens do?"
walter

Hardinsburg, KY

#631 Aug 11, 2014
obody
Just me

Danville, KY

#632 Aug 12, 2014
Allison in 2014!
metoo

Princeton, KY

#633 Aug 12, 2014
Just me wrote:
Allison in 2014!
Good choice.

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#635 Aug 15, 2014
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it!!! Fifty people swindled!!!”

Fifty people swindled! Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it!!! Fifty-one people swindled!!!”

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

#637 Aug 17, 2014
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

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