Who do you support for U.S. House in ...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#251 Oct 5, 2013
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late fifties, and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good, or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a
gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her, and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer calmly replies, "No problem, just get that damned lion out of there!"

Cub Run, KY

#253 Oct 15, 2013

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#254 Oct 16, 2013
A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Well, honey, you've damn sure got wonderful eyesight!"
Lil Al

Stanford, KY

#255 Oct 19, 2013
You gotta a million of them. Lol

Georgetown, IN

#256 Oct 20, 2013

Stanford, KY

#258 Oct 23, 2013
I agree.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#259 Oct 24, 2013
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph! Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either! He just backed his rig over three motorcycles!"
u obama mopes

Arlington Heights, IL

#260 Oct 24, 2013
full time federal employees are highly paid to go into chat room and spread the DNC /pro obama propaganda ,..
i suspect that there are several of these propagandists contributing to many of these topix threads

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#261 Oct 25, 2013
A 17th Century captain was sailing along, with his crew, when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt!" So, the cabin boy gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.

Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain, "Get me my red shirt!"

They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later, when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, sir, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?"

The captain responds, "Well, son, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit."

"I see," says the cabin boy.

A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships, heading right for them, in the distance, and the captain yells out, "Cabin boy! Get me my brown pants!"

Somerset, KY

#262 Oct 25, 2013
Whitfield just like all the rest in Washington...needs to be sent home....if you are in office....you should be sent home...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#263 Oct 26, 2013
A woman walked up to a little old man, rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#264 Oct 27, 2013
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon, the first judge immediately fined him $250, and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. He said, "I suspended your fine and costs, asshole, but you threw the book at me!"

The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today! Somebody has to get tough about all this speeding!"

Owensboro, KY

#265 Oct 27, 2013
u obama mopes wrote:
full time federal employees are highly paid to go into chat room and spread the DNC /pro obama propaganda ,..
i suspect that there are several of these propagandists contributing to many of these topix threads
These tea party nutcases are always hilarious!
I say

Stanford, KY

#266 Oct 27, 2013
Ashley Judd!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#267 Oct 28, 2013

You guys have all heard "Yogi-isms," haven't you? Well, here's a true story about when Yogi's garage caught on fire, back in the 60's, and he called the Fire Department:

Yogi: I wanna report a fire in my garage!

F.D.: You say you have a fire in your garage?

Yogi: Yeah, it's startin' to burn pretty good, too!

F.D.: Okay, how do we get there?

Yogi: Uh, you guys still got them red trucks, don'cha?

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#268 Oct 29, 2013
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He's alright now!

*(This is otherwise known as an "Enlightened Democrat," or "Republican.")

New Albany, IN

#269 Oct 29, 2013

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#271 Oct 31, 2013
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex!"

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know!" she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#272 Nov 1, 2013
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman, driving down the highway, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and said, "That was wonderful!! What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Hare Spray. Restores Life to Dead Hare, and Adds Permanent Wave."
***Sorry, folks! Sometimes, even Big Stevie has to settle for a clunker, but those of you who are cognizant, and have intelligent minds will forgive me, and understand. Those of you others, and you know who you are, won't know the difference, anyway. Thank you, and that is all!!!***

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#273 Nov 2, 2013
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky, and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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