Salamanca School District Relies On B...

Salamanca School District Relies On Box Tops For Income

Posted in the Salamanca Forum

The Onion News

United States

#1 Mar 11, 2012
This morning around 3 P.M., Salamanca City Central School District Superintendent Robert Breidenstein emphasized very profoundly in a press conference that the school is in desperate need of new sources of income.

"It's our money, and we need it now!" Breidenstein said from the podium in the High School Auditorium. One audience member gave a suggestion during the press conference. "Box Tops is a very reliable source of income. Instead of relying on tax money and government for the problem, the private sector is someone we should be looking towards. As a knowledgable person in the field of business, I recognize this." Walter Zeznick said from the audience. "My son also works for Boeing, f.y.i." he then pointed out.

The school board unanimously voted on mainly relying on Box Tops for the 2012-2013 schook year. "Every morning you eat your Toaster Strudels or Reeses Puffs and you clip off that cardboard Box Top, you are saving the District $2.3 million." School Board President Bob Crandall said.

Prospect Elementary Principal Donald Hensel became subject of interest during the Box Tops speech. "I would like to point out that, being as quite large as I am, I tend to eat a lot, and I am more than thrilled to begin saving the Box Tops off of the many boxes of insta-microwaveable chicken I eat." Hensel stated. The audience applauded.

In obvious desperation, not one concern towards a reason why the district should in fact not rely on Box Tops for financial purposes was brought up. Superintendent Breidenstein then clipped the first Box Top from a GoGurt box and proclaimed, "May this single Box Top save the jobs of those 18.5 teachers we don't need!"
get real

Salamanca, NY

#2 Mar 11, 2012
Maybe Bridenstein should contact J. G. Wentworth?
JoJo

Buffalo, NY

#3 Mar 11, 2012
Too funny...we could apply this model to Albany with Cambell Soup labels and S&H Green Stamps for Washington DC
Yeah

Springfield, NJ

#4 Mar 11, 2012
Because exhibiting fiscal prudence is too hard!

Let's give Bob's wife a raise.

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5 Mar 11, 2012
Reassign Prospect Elementary Principal Donald Hensel to the duties of donated food items containing these box tops and have him take refuge in the cafeteria so he can devour every food staple and have a few secretaries clip the tops to save them, this way we can double both Donn and the necessary income from these tops!
Also, there are a few more fatties within the district who could be brought in including students, guarantee the students an a+ t assist with eating, and the teachers their jobs will be spared! Good luck, SHS excels at everything and will do so here!

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