Daughter says new girlfriend is nothi...

Daughter says new girlfriend is nothing but trouble for dad

There are 160 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Mar 9, 2009, titled Daughter says new girlfriend is nothing but trouble for dad. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

DEAR ABBY: I am 20. My father, who recently turned 50, is dating a girl, "Amber," who is only 19.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

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eva

Chicago, IL

#142 Mar 10, 2009
Does anyone believe that love has come to a 50-year-old man and a 19-year-old with an out-of-wedlock baby (that's not his)? More like lust!

Come on--she's younger than his own daughter! This has so many red flags it's on fire.
Cheesehead since Lombardi

San Diego, CA

#143 Mar 10, 2009
My, my, my.... such bigotry over age.

I was 40, she was 20. We met when I went back to college.

19 years later, we have five kids and are still together - so all you buttinskis leave the Old Coot alone!!! LOL

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#144 Mar 10, 2009
eva wrote:
Does anyone believe that love has come to a 50-year-old man and a 19-year-old with an out-of-wedlock baby (that's not his)? More like lust!
Come on--she's younger than his own daughter! This has so many red flags it's on fire.
Who cares if its love. As long as they're having fun, its no one else's business

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#145 Mar 10, 2009
I Like Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Who cares if its love. As long as they're having fun, its no one else's business
Thank You IL Tonka. That's what it comes down to.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#146 Mar 10, 2009
I Like Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Who cares if its love. As long as they're having fun, its no one else's business
The letter writer is his daughter. Let us turn the tables. Let us assume this is a woman that is over 50 and is talking engagement after only a few weeks with a guy that is 18 or 19. However, rather than possibly saddling her with a child, instead he wants her to move across the country, away from her family, to be with him. He has no income. A concerned child writes in fearing that this young man is going to take advantage of his mother.

I don't understand some of the comments on here, but mom is just having fun would not seem to ease my concerns if that were my mother. Further, I completely disagree that it is no one else's business i.e. a concerned offspring. Sometimes people are dumb. They are stupid. They make mistakes. I would certainly think it appropriate for a daughter or son to be be concerned about either of these situations.

Let me put you in the letter writer's shoes or put you in the shoes of an offspring of the person in my hypothetical above. I hardly doubt you would say, "who cares if mom or dad gets fleeced, they are having fun and that is all that matters." Many a women and many a man have been scammed out of a lot of money just by "having fun." Further, may active cases of fraud and blackmail arise because people thought they were just "having fun."

The letter today (the one about the woman who married the young man who supposedly left his tenured teaching position to be with her) demonstrates all to well what can happen when people "just have fun" and forget to use their brain. A close relative is right to have concern about such a situation.

While I respect your opinions, I just happen to disagree with you on this one. While I do agree people will do what they want and the daughter may very well have to accept this arrangement, that is completely different from saying it is no ones business so long as they are having fun.
Ivory Dove

San Antonio, TX

#147 Mar 10, 2009
CAM wrote:
No way either of these are real letters. But just in case...
Lw1: It is pretty gross that your Dad will date someone you went to high school with and from the sounds of it you were in high school last year.
You may want to have an open discussion with your dad and encourage him to try to be more open minded about finding other ways to meet people, an online dating service, church, a volunteer group (at least someone closer to his own age).
Lw2: You need some self esteem. You will be looking forward to a life of being seriously taken advantage of if you don't tell this guy to leave you alone. Tell him to stop touching you at all and DO NOT even consider him as a potential friend or boyfriend (he could really damage you reputation fast by allowing this behavior).
I'd have an easier time believing this dunking
booth letter:

Dear Crabby:

Ever since I've been trapped in this rehab house,
my greatest entertainment is reading Topix and
seeing the writers get in "fencing matches" of
the pen. They are so witty and clever, sometimes
I'd rather read what they have to say than to
eat my dessert.
I was saddened to see some of the really funny
stinkers throw a last rude comment at other
writers and go away for several weeks. How do I
encourage the funny, witty ones to come back and
give me something to smile about through my pain.
These comic remarks are better than extra strength
pain numbing meds.
Sincerely,
Hurting reader, smiling through tears

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#148 Mar 10, 2009
Further, aside from age issues and the fact that she has a child, I think anytime someone is talking engagement after a few weeks, regardless of age, people that care about them should be concerned and interject themselves into the situation, regardless of how much fun they are having. Once again, however, at the same time, you have to accept that people are free to live their own lives and make mistakes.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#149 Mar 10, 2009
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
The letter writer is his daughter. Let us turn the tables. Let us assume this is a woman that is over 50 and is talking engagement after only a few weeks with a guy that is 18 or 19. However, rather than possibly saddling her with a child, instead he wants her to move across the country, away from her family, to be with him. He has no income. A concerned child writes in fearing that this young man is going to take advantage of his mother.
I don't understand some of the comments on here, but mom is just having fun would not seem to ease my concerns if that were my mother. Further, I completely disagree that it is no one else's business i.e. a concerned offspring. Sometimes people are dumb. They are stupid. They make mistakes. I would certainly think it appropriate for a daughter or son to be be concerned about either of these situations.
Let me put you in the letter writer's shoes or put you in the shoes of an offspring of the person in my hypothetical above. I hardly doubt you would say, "who cares if mom or dad gets fleeced, they are having fun and that is all that matters." Many a women and many a man have been scammed out of a lot of money just by "having fun." Further, may active cases of fraud and blackmail arise because people thought they were just "having fun."
The letter today (the one about the woman who married the young man who supposedly left his tenured teaching position to be with her) demonstrates all to well what can happen when people "just have fun" and forget to use their brain. A close relative is right to have concern about such a situation.
While I respect your opinions, I just happen to disagree with you on this one. While I do agree people will do what they want and the daughter may very well have to accept this arrangement, that is completely different from saying it is no ones business so long as they are having fun.
I forgot about the engagement part. I will grant you that I agree that people should look out for their loved ones(be it mom or dad).

My response above was not taking into account the engagement. Too often on thses message boards I see people bashing LW's and the characters in theor letters for not being in a committed relationship and not getting married and that chaps my behind because not every relationship needs to be forever. The same day this letter came out, Amy had a letter from a dad whose daughter was icy to his grilfriend. Several posters took the daughter's side chastising the dad for "shacking up" with his girlfriend saying he needs to "do the right thing " and marry her.

This is where my head was when I wrote the response above. If both parties are happy and having fun, its no one else's business. But I will agree, if the old fella(or old girl) are about to get roped into a marriage by a gold digger(male or female) I have no issue with loved ones as least trying to get them to take a step back and slow it down(though it is still up to them.

Girlfriend/boyfriends can be dropped with no repercussions once he fun stops. Once you marry them, then you've got a legal quagmire to navigate.

Its hard for me to even say that much(that I think its ok to interfere), because I hate the idea of anyone haqving to save someone from themselves.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#150 Mar 10, 2009
Sublime1 wrote:
Further, aside from age issues and the fact that she has a child, I think anytime someone is talking engagement after a few weeks, regardless of age, people that care about them should be concerned and interject themselves into the situation, regardless of how much fun they are having. Once again, however, at the same time, you have to accept that people are free to live their own lives and make mistakes.
I think this perfectly sums up my feelings as well.

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#151 Mar 10, 2009
I Like Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
...Its hard for me to even say that much(that I think its ok to interfere), because I hate the idea of anyone haqving to save someone from themselves.
Are you "saving them" or are you checking to make sure they are not at a vunerable place and having them take another look at a relationship to make sure it's right for them? You should look out for your friends and family, not tell them what to do. Sometimes it's a fine line, sometimes there is hurt feelings -- but loyalty, love and caring is messy sometimes. If you approach it right, it works out for all parties. You come to a better understanding.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#152 Mar 10, 2009
I Like Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
I think this perfectly sums up my feelings as well.
I agree with it as well.
DR Vats

Denton, TX

#153 Mar 10, 2009
Renee wrote:
LW1: Ew. When was 19, I thought thirty year olds were too old. I can't imagine dating someone techincally old enough to be my Grandfather.
Der age differnece has always been und dis direction mit der men and voman,,you and der grandvatter had der bad relaitionship,,,der man could plead insanity by being nuts about der young stuff,,understandable
SharonD

Hampshire, IL

#154 Mar 10, 2009
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
The letter writer is his daughter. Let us turn the tables. Let us assume this is a woman that is over 50 and is talking engagement after only a few weeks with a guy that is 18 or 19. However, rather than possibly saddling her with a child, instead he wants her to move across the country, away from her family, to be with him. He has no income. A concerned child writes in fearing that this young man is going to take advantage of his mother.
I don't understand some of the comments on here, but mom is just having fun would not seem to ease my concerns if that were my mother. Further, I completely disagree that it is no one else's business i.e. a concerned offspring. Sometimes people are dumb. They are stupid. They make mistakes. I would certainly think it appropriate for a daughter or son to be be concerned about either of these situations.
Let me put you in the letter writer's shoes or put you in the shoes of an offspring of the person in my hypothetical above. I hardly doubt you would say, "who cares if mom or dad gets fleeced, they are having fun and that is all that matters." Many a women and many a man have been scammed out of a lot of money just by "having fun." Further, may active cases of fraud and blackmail arise because people thought they were just "having fun."
The letter today (the one about the woman who married the young man who supposedly left his tenured teaching position to be with her) demonstrates all to well what can happen when people "just have fun" and forget to use their brain. A close relative is right to have concern about such a situation.
While I respect your opinions, I just happen to disagree with you on this one. While I do agree people will do what they want and the daughter may very well have to accept this arrangement, that is completely different from saying it is no ones business so long as they are having fun.
While I also respect your right to your opinion, I couldn't disagree with you more. Dad didn't get to be 50 without learning a little more than his daughter along the way. Maybe he doesn't care if he "gets fleeced." Maybe he can afford to. It's his decision. It would be a different story if he were aging and showing signs of general feeblemindedness, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

If you want to turn tables, let's examine what would happen if Daddy expressed disapproval of a man--of any age--that his daughter was dating. I don't know the girl in this case, but there's a good chance that it would make the daughter defiant and even more determined to exert her adult independence. She probably wants him to let her make her own decisions; she should show him the same respect.

In the end, you have to let people choose their own courses and make their own mistakes. To pursue happiness in their own way, not the way you think they should.
just stirring the pot

United States

#155 Mar 10, 2009
LW1 - You go Dad. Every guy over 30 needs to nail a 19 year old.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#156 Mar 11, 2009
SharonD wrote:
<quoted text>
While I also respect your right to your opinion, I couldn't disagree with you more. Dad didn't get to be 50 without learning a little more than his daughter along the way. Maybe he doesn't care if he "gets fleeced." Maybe he can afford to. It's his decision. It would be a different story if he were aging and showing signs of general feeblemindedness, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.
If you want to turn tables, let's examine what would happen if Daddy expressed disapproval of a man--of any age--that his daughter was dating. I don't know the girl in this case, but there's a good chance that it would make the daughter defiant and even more determined to exert her adult independence. She probably wants him to let her make her own decisions; she should show him the same respect.
In the end, you have to let people choose their own courses and make their own mistakes. To pursue happiness in their own way, not the way you think they should.
You are completely confusing issues. I have repeatedly said that people are free to make their own mistakes. This is one issue. Let us put that to the side so that we no longer confuse issues.

What I am advocating, is that there is nothing wrong with advising a loved one when they are about to possibly make a huge mistake. This is not the same as saying, you cannot do this or you will do this over my dead body. I don't think it should be so difficult to separate these issues.

So, keeping this in mind, in terms of the dad getting to be 50 without learning a little more than his daughter, go read the post from yesterday about the stupid woman that married the young man (who supposedly left his tenured teacher position). How much did she learn in all these years? I'm much younger than her, and I can pretty much assure you she knows a lot less than I do when it comes to these things. You speak in absolute certainly, yet this fact alone disproves the certainty of what you are saying. It is undeniable. If your argument holds, true, certainly this woman would not be writing advice columnists.

Or, how about the BMW heiress in Germany who was blackmailed by a young Swiss gigolo. It was just in the paper within the past week. He was convicted of blackmail. She also appears to have learned a lot less than I have when it comes to these things despite all her years.

I could write you a book about situations were an older person was taken advantage of by a younger person, and their age did not prevent this from occurring. When so many situations like these exist, this is simply not a very good argument, in my book. When it comes to love or lust, people are blinded at times, regardless of age. In any case, there are certainly many many examples where your theory does not hold true. This cannot even be denied.

In terms of, "maybe he does not care if he is fleeced," I'll just say, Sharon, I don't know what kind of life you have lived, but my own life experiences and basic common sense tell me that the VAST MAJORITY of people don't like being fleeced. Sure, some people enjoy swallowing large metallic objects such as forks and spoons. Still, I would not say that this holds true for the vast majority of people and if someone talked to me about doing this I would say, please don't do this; that is a bad idea. I suppose you would come back and say, that was improper of me to do this because some people don't mind if they swallow large metallic objects. Sure, some do and they usually work in the circus, but not very many do. Not a very strong argument, IMHO. Further, I certainly would not want to go into a court case defending a guy who is alleged to have defrauded an older person, by arguing this, i.e maybe she consented to being fleeced and maybe she did not care. I'll leave it at that.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#157 Mar 11, 2009
Maybe I am wrong Sharron, but common sense tells me that if you were younger and had a mother that was a 50 or 60 year old and she said she met a wonderful 18 year old boy, who is unemployed with no education, and is going to move across the country to be with him and they are getting engaged after knowing each other for a few weeks, that you are not going to say a single word. Sure, ok, whatever you say. You are not going to say, hey mom that is a bad idea. Whatever?

I love the abstract world people live in on these boards, but often times it has nothing to do with reality. At least not the reality that I have experienced and that most people live in.

Even if you contend that you would zip your lip, I certainly do not understand why this would be so offensive to you or why you would vehemently disagree with a loved one saying "Hey, pops or mom, I don't think this is a good idea. You should slow down a bit."

Further, I see nothing wrong with a parent telling a daughter to be cautious when dating older man. I have said this a million times on here, it is all how you go about it that makes all the difference. So, once again, I point out that I am not advocating that people pull the, "No, over my dead body will you do this."

Perhaps my family is different, but we are free to provide advice to each other whenever we want. If someone does not want to hear it, they simply say, "Hey I don't want to hear it." Or they are free to ignore it. End of story.

Kind of like when my brother was going to marry the mother of his two children despite her repeatedly going missing for days on end while she went on coke binges. The wedding date kept being postponed because he was trying to get her clean before he would marry her, yet she could not maintain this for more than a few weeks or a month and then would revert. She thought she was hopping on the gravy train.

We were all telling him "No, don't marry her. If you are dead set on marrying her, wait until she cleans up."

She continued on as she had, and he eventually left her by his own volition . Shortly afterward she went to jail for forging prescriptions scripts. She basically left her two daughters who were about 13 and 14 live with strange men. She also did coke through every single one of her pregnancies.

I suppose in your world this is entirely inappropriate and we had no right to do this. Whatever. We actually possibly contributed to preventing him from making the worst mistake of his life. Yet at the same time, he was the one to make the ultimate decision. There is nothing wrong with that. If there was, Presidents would not have advisers. Businessmen, would not have advisers. There is nothing wrong with having an adviser.

I love my family too much to stand idly by why they make mistakes. Yet at the same time I realize they are free to do so and free to end the discussion any time they choose. I see nothing wrong with this. I simply don't understand why you would.
Sara

Londonderry, VT

#158 Mar 11, 2009
Well in a way I can understand the problem she's got. My father wanted to date a girl near the same age as me. I have a problem with that and she's probably dating him for either money or money and money! And there is no way I would have a step mom that has the same age as me. That don't fly with me. I can see 8 years apart but 24 years apart. Give me a break.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#159 Mar 11, 2009
Sara wrote:
...there is no way I would have a step mom that has the same age as me. That don't fly with me...
And what would you do to prevent that? Kill her? If your dad is set on geting married, there's nothing you can do about it.

Since: Feb 09

Evanston, IL

#160 Mar 11, 2009
ex-ferrerman wrote:
<quoted text>Was that part about an oral warning a typo? I hope not. I'd sure like to hear more about that!
if i could get oral every time i was late and/or failed to show up to work, well, let's just say i wouldn't be employee of the month.

“Snow days!”

Since: Nov 08

A winter wonderland

#161 Mar 11, 2009
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh and I just HAD to put cinnamon in the coffee this morning! Burns a little coming out the nose...
Gee, thanks...
I guess the desk and monitor did need wiping down anyway....
8^j
My reaction, too. But I'm at work & I don't know if the boss is gonna appreciate this...
Saw a sign in a bar one nite- Sexual Harrassment Will Not Be Tolerated. However, It Will Be Graded.

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