family problems
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Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#1 Feb 8, 2013
Ok. So I know there's plenty of people out there that have also been raped by a family member. Please tell me how your family dealt with it. Is the rapist still a part of your families lives? And if so, how do you deal with that? I have been dying inside and don't know what to do anymore. Please only leave real advice. I don't need anymore negativity. Thank you!
Take control

United States

#2 Feb 8, 2013
Report the rape to the authorities. This will give you back control over this criminal and will give you a start at healing. Counseling is also available for victims of this crime. Remember, you were the victim, and by allowing him to live freely, he re-victimizes you every time you see him. All this is hard to do and takes strength, but once you begin, it is empowering and will lead to closure. Russell House staff might be of assistance or offer advice. Good luck.
Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#4 Feb 8, 2013
Take control wrote:
Report the rape to the authorities. This will give you back control over this criminal and will give you a start at healing. Counseling is also available for victims of this crime. Remember, you were the victim, and by allowing him to live freely, he re-victimizes you every time you see him. All this is hard to do and takes strength, but once you begin, it is empowering and will lead to closure. Russell House staff might be of assistance or offer advice. Good luck.
Thank you so much! You are so right! And I have been to groups at the Russell House and it did seem to help for a while. I was learning to deal with things but nothing seems to be able to prepare me for dealing with my family allowing him around. I haven't turned him in this whole time because I didn't want to hurt my family but now I see that they don't care enough to not hurt me.:( He's supposedly leaving the state again. If he does then I'll be able to relax for a while but if he doesn't then I just might take your advice. Thank you!
hope

Chesapeake, OH

#6 Feb 8, 2013
I would turn him in. You could stop it from happening again to another girl if it hasn't already and your family should stand beside you. He done something wrong not you!
Luke

Jefferson City, MO

#7 Feb 8, 2013
Hopeless wrote:
<quoted text>
Thank you so much! You are so right! And I have been to groups at the Russell House and it did seem to help for a while. I was learning to deal with things but nothing seems to be able to prepare me for dealing with my family allowing him around. I haven't turned him in this whole time because I didn't want to hurt my family but now I see that they don't care enough to not hurt me.:( He's supposedly leaving the state again. If he does then I'll be able to relax for a while but if he doesn't then I just might take your advice. Thank you!
I am sorry this happened to you. Rape should happen to no one.

"Take Control" has excellent words of wisdom. As screen name indicates, you must be the one to "take control" at whatever pace you deem necessary to regain the control of your life. Regardless of when the assault occurred, you can report it to authorities anytime. If you are under age 18, u have 30 years after your 18th birthday to report it. So if days, weeks, months or even years have passed, don't let that stop you. It would obviously be more difficult to obtain any DNA, but simply having the name on record of the assailant is indeed a good thing. Hospitals, Shelters and Law Enforcement now have specialists who compassionately help you thru the process.

Put everyone's feelings aside of who you might hurt if you told. IT IS YOU THAT MATTERS! To hell with everyone else or their feelings! If the assailant is a family member, it could be an awkward situation, but not one you would not be able to overcome. If you can't get emotional support from them, shelters or hospitals can tell you where you can. It's YOU that is what matters, I can not stress that enough. You should not feel like you are burdening them, they could actually be more supportive than you would have expected. You should not have to keep this inside your heart and soul to weigh you down.

I say report it when you are ready. There is no need to let the criminal walk away and possibly strike again. He maintains control (even if he is now out of state) by keeping you living in fear of his return. He maintains control by how this very assault and how it will affect your life, or that future life of your children when you are one day married and a mother. I say "report it when you are ready." Then, YOU have taken control.

I talk from experience. My sister was raped by a guy we knew when we were in high school. She didn't report it. I was the only one she told. I watched her suffer in silence. It haunted me. It continues to haunt me, as I should have done more for her. That is why I now advocate for women and children. I vow to continue to do this.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted.

Luke
Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#8 Feb 8, 2013
Luke wrote:
<quoted text>I am sorry this happened to you. Rape should happen to no one.

"Take Control" has excellent words of wisdom. As screen name indicates, you must be the one to "take control" at whatever pace you deem necessary to regain the control of your life. Regardless of when the assault occurred, you can report it to authorities anytime. If you are under age 18, u have 30 years after your 18th birthday to report it. So if days, weeks, months or even years have passed, don't let that stop you. It would obviously be more difficult to obtain any DNA, but simply having the name on record of the assailant is indeed a good thing. Hospitals, Shelters and Law Enforcement now have specialists who compassionately help you thru the process.

Put everyone's feelings aside of who you might hurt if you told. IT IS YOU THAT MATTERS! To hell with everyone else or their feelings! If the assailant is a family member, it could be an awkward situation, but not one you would not be able to overcome. If you can't get emotional support from them, shelters or hospitals can tell you where you can. It's YOU that is what matters, I can not stress that enough. You should not feel like you are burdening them, they could actually be more supportive than you would have expected. You should not have to keep this inside your heart and soul to weigh you down.

I say report it when you are ready. There is no need to let the criminal walk away and possibly strike again. He maintains control (even if he is now out of state) by keeping you living in fear of his return. He maintains control by how this very assault and how it will affect your life, or that future life of your children when you are one day married and a mother. I say "report it when you are ready." Then, YOU have taken control.

I talk from experience. My sister was raped by a guy we knew when we were in high school. She didn't report it. I was the only one she told. I watched her suffer in silence. It haunted me. It continues to haunt me, as I should have done more for her. That is why I now advocate for women and children. I vow to continue to do this.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted.

Luke
Thank you for these words as well! They were very helpful. I do fear going to the police because I know I have no evidence and I don't want to be treated badly for something that already hurts me so much!
I am in my late 20s. This started in my early teens and the last time was a little over a year ago and I am and was married at the time so it also caused marriage issues. Long story there but anyway. I don't know what to do. I know so many other people hold it inside and don't ever tell or only tell one or two people and they seem to deal with it better than I do. Actually I've been able to deal with the rape better than I have my families reaction to it.
And btw, I think it sounds like you were very supportive for your sister! Getting involved, learning how to help people that this has happened to, understanding it, etc. That's wonderful of you! Thank you for all you do! And thank you for the prayers! I really needed them last night. I just broke down and couldn't stop crying. Thank God I had my husband or I don't know what I would have done!
Gary

Rolla, MO

#9 Feb 8, 2013
How old is the other person?
Benny

Rolla, MO

#10 Feb 8, 2013
Gary wrote:
How old is the other person?
old enough to need an ass-whoopin, it sounds like
Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#11 Feb 8, 2013
2 years older than me. But a lot stronger than me! I just can't believe how everyone just acts like everything is fine and allows him at their home knowing that means that I can't be there! Why should I get punished any more than I already have been? And as soon as he does it, everyone acts like its a big deal and he will leave for a while but then he always weasels his way back in! By then, it's "blown over" so everyone just acts like its no big deal and I should be over it by now! The only reason that they even attempt to keep us separated now is because they're afraid that my husband will kick his ass! Well I think he deserves it! And they should be protecting me and the other girls in the family, NOT HIM! Sorry. It just hurts me so bad inside!
turn him in

United States

#12 Feb 8, 2013
You need to report it. You may not be his only victim. So sorry you have to deal with this!!!! What a pig. If he is getting away with it still I am sure you are not the only victim. Please go to the police, they will listen. Be completely honest. If he strikes again to you or someone else you will feel guilty. Have your husband go for support. You have a voice, what if he is doing this to a young child that doesn't know who to go to.
Rolla

Rolla, MO

#13 Feb 8, 2013
I bet you are looooooving all this attention.
Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#14 Feb 8, 2013
turn him in wrote:
You need to report it. You may not be his only victim. So sorry you have to deal with this!!!! What a pig. If he is getting away with it still I am sure you are not the only victim. Please go to the police, they will listen. Be completely honest. If he strikes again to you or someone else you will feel guilty. Have your husband go for support. You have a voice, what if he is doing this to a young child that doesn't know who to go to.
Believe me, this has crossed my mind. And it did happen to me again and again after not reporting him. But I honestly don't think he would do this to anyone else. Especially a child. That may sound stupid but I really think he just gets off on torturing me. Anyway, I'm sure it sounds easy enough to just go to the police but really it's not an easy thing to do. It's scary and I know it'll change everything in my family and I'm afraid there's no proof so all it's going to do is have everyone upset with me.
Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#15 Feb 8, 2013
Rolla wrote:
I bet you are looooooving all this attention.
That's just stupid! Attention is the opposite of what I want to draw to myself right now!
Luke

Jefferson City, MO

#16 Feb 8, 2013
Rolla wrote:
I bet you are looooooving all this attention.
You are an absolute and insensitive jerk. May God have mercy on you.
Hopeless

Rolla, MO

#17 Feb 8, 2013
Luke wrote:
<quoted text>You are an absolute and insensitive jerk. May God have mercy on you.
Thank you!
wow

United States

#18 Feb 8, 2013
I have been through this to honey my family did the same thing til I took matter into my own hands I was only 13 he was 36 after I reported it he went to jail bonded out and two days before court he was killed my family still don't have much to do with me cause he was there drug connection its very sad but u need to report him and seek treatment your self if u hold things in it could be really bad for u I will keep u in my prayers
Rolla

Rolla, MO

#19 Feb 9, 2013
Luke wrote:
<quoted text>
You are an absolute and insensitive jerk. May God have mercy on you.
There's no such thing as God.
Rolla

Rolla, MO

#20 Feb 9, 2013
Hopeless wrote:
<quoted text>
That's just stupid! Attention is the opposite of what I want to draw to myself right now!
Your story just doesn't pan out. Raped for years until your late twenties? Were you waiting around in his windowless van? Given this guy's alleged record, I sure as heck would have made myself scarce after the first couple of rapings. I suspect the truth behind this tall tale is that you and this guy were in some sort of bizarre and tumultuous relationship and now you're looking for a way to "wash away" your responsibility. That's not rape. That's regret.
Unlikely

Rolla, MO

#21 Feb 9, 2013
"Hopeless" is probably another drama queen that enjoys playing the part of victim so she can get sympathy and attention. You know the type - the girl at the homecoming dance that boo-hoos in front of everyone after a tiff with her boyfriend; the girl that mopes around in her boyfriend's letter jacket while her BFFs tell her he's a jerk because he looked at a girl with a smaller ass - these girls love being the one that needs a shoulder to cry on. They thrive on being victims because nothing in life measures up to the thrill of crying in front of an audience.
Luke

Jefferson City, MO

#22 Feb 9, 2013
For Rolla and Unlikely--I personally think you two are quite ignorant and callous. Regardless of your opinions and thoughts of Hopeless, someone else may read this post and the advice given herein can help them. Look at the big picture.(and shut the frick up.)
Luke

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