After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking,'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie
also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube,
but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to
Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure,'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I
had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel
the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed
with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous... A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1.'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man
has gone before!'
2.'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3.'Can you hear me NOW?'
4.'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5.'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6.'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7.'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8.'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9.'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10.'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11.'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12.'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'