“Welcome Aboard!”

Since: Feb 12

Greyhound, FL.

#1 Feb 12, 2012
Howdy!
I’m your tour guide Billy Joe Jim Bob Smith, but you can call me Dave, on account of that Dave left the company and I got his uniform.
[reading cards]
Welcome to the tour of city name…..umm…..squatersville….no ……canker sore….no…..crack city…um…...
oh yeah….Ripley, TN.
Here is the Town Square of Ripley, it is currently being remodeled at a cost of 20 million dollars. They is putting in a brand new 6’ tall bamboo statue of the founder, Ripley MacGilligan
Ripley was founded in 1547, 1694, and 1756.
How did Ripley get found before the Pilgrims got here? Well in 1546, a ship left England for a short 3 hour tour, it was captained by Owen MacGilligan and he got lost and ended up shipwrecked in Virginia.
Now the people in the ship were none too bright and they couldn’t find any wood to repair their ship, cause they couldn’t find any lumber mills.
Wanting some coconut cream pie, Capt. MacGilligan took his family to go find some coconuts, but seeing that he don’t know his directions too well he went West instead of South to find them there coconuts.
After the MacGilligans left the other people wandered away never to be seen or heard from again.
Now it so happened that the MacGilligans stopped here for lunch and at the base of the statue little Ripley Tiddlywinks Bayhem MacGilligan played with his dirty diaper. Of course Petunia MacGilligan was none too happy about that and yelled at the young one to dump that diaper right there and thats how Ripley was founded.
The MacGilligans packed up and wandered over to Louisville ways and years later using MacGilligan records, little Ripley’s petrified diaper was found and kept at the base of the statue, but between you and me, the janitor being none too bright threw the diaper away and now they use bear scat but they always have to replace it cause of that dim janitor.
Now the next founder to come here was John and his wife Cantankerous Barnacle in 1694. She had the bad luck of stepping on the petrified nappy. Her cursing scared birds from the trees and the deer stampeded out of the forest and even a big ole bear took off.
Now her being a big ole woman, she done gone made her stand and sat her big ole behind on the ground refusing to move. Poor John wanted to go further west but now he was stuck here.
They built their home down abouts Randolph St. and of course some others came and built next to them, but the great fire of 1700 destroyed most of the town and it was abandoned. The story goes that big ole Cantankerous had herself a big ole pot of beans, onions, garlic, prunes and deviled eggs and just as John lit a match to light a lantern she gave off a big one.
The explosion took out half the homes and the fire took out most everything else.
In 1756 the last founder of Ripley was a fella by name of Jedidiah Monroe came here. He was thrown out of Halls, TN. cause he liked to play “hide the sausage” with the local women,
but he didn’t use his own sausage and one night he got caught in the pastor’s storehouse stealing sausages. After getting thrown out of Halls, he made his way here and built his home. Eventually more people made their way to this quaint town.
boogerhead

Jackson, TN

#2 Feb 12, 2012
Can you tell us about the tomato famine in the 30's
Haa

Ripley, TN

#3 Feb 13, 2012
boogerhead wrote:
Can you tell us about the tomato famine in the 30's
Nice! Lol

“Trying to clean up the TRASH!”

Since: Jul 11

Location hidden

#4 Feb 13, 2012
Hi Dave! Welcome back to Ripley, LMAO!!!
Big B

Ripley, TN

#5 Feb 13, 2012
Is Dave kin to lil-brother?

“Trying to clean up the TRASH!”

Since: Jul 11

Location hidden

#6 Feb 13, 2012
Big B wrote:
Is Dave kin to lil-brother?
No, Dave is comic book artist and a true ficitional writer with some twisted and hilarious stories but they're harmless.
Big B

Ripley, TN

#7 Feb 13, 2012
TheRipleyJanitor wrote:
<quoted text>
No, Dave is comic book artist and a true ficitional writer with some twisted and hilarious stories but they're harmless.
It was a joke, meant to be a slur toward lil-brother.

“Welcome Aboard!”

Since: Feb 12

Greyhound, FL.

#8 Feb 13, 2012
Everything was hunky dory until 1863 when a letter came informing the people of Ripley about the Civil War. Now old Edward Scorchshanks was the only one who knew his letters so he was the one reading the letter to the townfolk but he was a mighty slow reader, as soon as he said “war” the menfolk all ran to their homes to get on their uniforms and arm themselves and they came charging back to hear the rest of the letter. That is when old Edward got to the part of the letter that said the Yankees was wearing blue and the Southern boys was wearing grey.
The menfolk all look at each other because they was all wearing either blue or gray. A couple of fellas was wearing pink uniforms and when everyone looked at them, they put their guns down, held each other’s hands and skipped off into the forest never to be seen again.
Now the rest of the menfolk all got excited and got into either the blue group or the gray group and starting shooting at each other, but being terrible marksmen they alls missed each other except poor Larry Munch, he was wearing blue pants and a gray blouse so he couldn’t make up his mind which side he was on. He finally decided he was half Yankee and half Southern so he tried to kill the Yankee half by shooting himself in the leg but he missed, so he ran around hitting himself in the legs and kicking himself silly.
Now being eager men they battled each other daily and started fighting each other after breakfast, took a break for lunch and Sunday Services, and they went home for dinner and slept till the next morning when they started it all over again.
In 1867 they ran out of powder for their guns so they all chipped in and someone went to Halls to buy powder for their guns and then they resumed fighting.
This went on until late in 1870, when they finally got a letter saying the war was over. They put their guns down and hugged each other and went back to everyday life.

“Welcome Aboard!”

Since: Feb 12

Greyhound, FL.

#9 Feb 15, 2012
The great tomato famine??
[look through cards}
Hmmmmm…………..ah okay…
The great tomato famine of 1935….
One day a young man was walking along the road in Ripley. He was talking to himself about the animals, him being a poet and all of that, except for squirrels. When he saw a squirrel he would stop and stare at it and call it “evil”. He had quite a reputation as a bad boy in Tennessee and most people tried on a daily basis to get him gone.
Well there he was staring at a squirrel and walking along Abner Wilson’s tomato farm when he stepped on a tomato that as lying on the road. The tomato went “squish” and the young fella stopped dead in his tracks. He looked stupefied for a moment then he looked down at the squashed tomato and suddenly smiled. He looked around and spotted another tomato and ran to it. He stopped and looked down at the little red tomato and he stepped on it. Again it went “squish” and the fella jumped up and down and clapped his hands with glee. He didn’t see any more tomatoes on the road but he saw the fields of ripe tomatoes on Abner’s property.
The young fella ran and hopped the fence and started squishing tomatoes. Now old Abner didn’t take kindly to some stranger squishing his tomatoes so he ran for his gun but suddenly remembered he had no gun because he left it back at Fort Dashwood.
Now garrison duty is not so good at the fort because of all the nut cases that get stuck there while the real fighters are off somewhere nice and the garrison there had visions of an angel descending among them but no one else ever saw the angel so they was dismissed as a bunch of crazys.
Abner don’t have all the kernels on his cobb iffn you know what I be saying. There Abner was standing with no gun and a crazyman stomping his tomatoes. Suddenly Abner had an idea, he ran outside and grabbed the corn off the stalks in his corn field and started throwing them at the young fella. The young fella being nimble and quick ran around the field just out of reach of old Abner. Soon Abner gave up but he came up with a plan. He got into his truck and raced to the fort to get help. Now being that the garrison wasn’t a might too bright, it took Abner a couple of days to convince them to come to his aid. By the time they got back to Abner’s farm his tomato crop had been devastated, and the fella was stomping on the last of the tomatoes.
Abner shouted:“there he is! git ‘em!”
The garrison shouted “charge!” and they ran off in all different directions. One fella in a big rush ran right past the young fella and didn’t say a thing or stop. Abner stood there in shock, he looked at the fella and the fella looked back at Abner. With a great big hoot the young fella jumped as high into the air as he could and he landed smack dab on the last tomato squashing it good.
The young fella went from one field to another squishing tomatoes and the garrison could never catch him cause they discovered the beguiling charms of Miss Chastity iffn you get my meaning and they was too busy chasing the “lady” than trying to catch the young fella.
In the end the young fella squished all the tomatoes and then went away looking for other things to squish or pop and poor old Abner snapped and blamed Satan and that unknown angel for all of his bad luck.
meaBADboy

White House, TN

#10 Feb 16, 2012
ROTF
Lol

Ripley, TN

#11 Feb 16, 2012
Tour Guide Dave wrote:
The great tomato famine??
[look through cards}
Hmmmmm…………..ah okay…
The great tomato famine of 1935….
One day a young man was walking along the road in Ripley. He was talking to himself about the animals, him being a poet and all of that, except for squirrels. When he saw a squirrel he would stop and stare at it and call it “evil”. He had quite a reputation as a bad boy in Tennessee and most people tried on a daily basis to get him gone.
Well there he was staring at a squirrel and walking along Abner Wilson’s tomato farm when he stepped on a tomato that as lying on the road. The tomato went “squish” and the young fella stopped dead in his tracks. He looked stupefied for a moment then he looked down at the squashed tomato and suddenly smiled. He looked around and spotted another tomato and ran to it. He stopped and looked down at the little red tomato and he stepped on it. Again it went “squish” and the fella jumped up and down and clapped his hands with glee. He didn’t see any more tomatoes on the road but he saw the fields of ripe tomatoes on Abner’s property.
The young fella ran and hopped the fence and started squishing tomatoes. Now old Abner didn’t take kindly to some stranger squishing his tomatoes so he ran for his gun but suddenly remembered he had no gun because he left it back at Fort Dashwood.
Now garrison duty is not so good at the fort because of all the nut cases that get stuck there while the real fighters are off somewhere nice and the garrison there had visions of an angel descending among them but no one else ever saw the angel so they was dismissed as a bunch of crazys.
Abner don’t have all the kernels on his cobb iffn you know what I be saying. There Abner was standing with no gun and a crazyman stomping his tomatoes. Suddenly Abner had an idea, he ran outside and grabbed the corn off the stalks in his corn field and started throwing them at the young fella. The young fella being nimble and quick ran around the field just out of reach of old Abner. Soon Abner gave up but he came up with a plan. He got into his truck and raced to the fort to get help. Now being that the garrison wasn’t a might too bright, it took Abner a couple of days to convince them to come to his aid. By the time they got back to Abner’s farm his tomato crop had been devastated, and the fella was stomping on the last of the tomatoes.
Abner shouted:“there he is! git ‘em!”
The garrison shouted “charge!” and they ran off in all different directions. One fella in a big rush ran right past the young fella and didn’t say a thing or stop. Abner stood there in shock, he looked at the fella and the fella looked back at Abner. With a great big hoot the young fella jumped as high into the air as he could and he landed smack dab on the last tomato squashing it good.
The young fella went from one field to another squishing tomatoes and the garrison could never catch him cause they discovered the beguiling charms of Miss Chastity iffn you get my meaning and they was too busy chasing the “lady” than trying to catch the young fella.
In the end the young fella squished all the tomatoes and then went away looking for other things to squish or pop and poor old Abner snapped and blamed Satan and that unknown angel for all of his bad luck.
Classic!

Since: Jul 11

Location hidden

#12 Feb 18, 2012
I surely hope you are putting these in hard copy. They will be be an excellent novel when you are finished.'
Your work is fantastic and imaginative and fresh.

“go where the wind blows me”

Since: Jul 11

lala land

#13 Feb 20, 2012
Would it possible to get a few addresses for ole Pops if he ever does get to Ripley? I could think of 3 or 4.Man wouldnt that be an eye opener.
this is not funny

Henderson, TN

#14 Feb 21, 2012
Not funny at all

“Welcome Aboard!”

Since: Feb 12

Greyhound, FL.

#16 Feb 23, 2012
Back in 1910, Abner had his girls who he loved dearly and was insanely jealous of anyone who tried to see them. Of course he kept them closely guarded by some of the meanest dogs you ever did see.
Now then, a young fella by the name of Jonah had taken a liking to one of girls named Emily. Now this here Jonah was a scamp and he was more than a handful for his ma and pa. He done conspired to get to his Emily by any way he could, so he came up with a plan.
He secretly made friends with the dogs so they wouldn’t bark when he was around, Abner had a problem with his drinking and many times he would be drunk as a skunk but never too drunk to let his girls out of his sight so it was very easy for Jonah to bribe the dogs with treats.
Late one night after he had gotten to be friends with the dogs, Jonah snuck onto Abner’s land looking for the lovely Emily. He knew exactly where she was so it was not long before he was standing next to her sleeping form.
Now Abner being Abner was fully drunk and nearly asleep when he was woken by loud noises. Quickly he ran to where his girls were at and stopped dead in his tracks cause he could not believe what was happening in front of him.
Jonah was mounted on Emily and yelling his head off. Poor Emily was grunting and squealing and trying to get the boy off of her.
Abner yelled at the top of his lungs “what are ya doing riding my prized pig???!!!”

Seeing that his fun was over, Jonah jumped off Emily and ran for his life. Jonah quickly got away and off into the night his laughter trailing behind him, but Abner knew who he was and he’d get his revenge in the morning.
The next morning Abner went over to Jonah’s house and had a long talk with Jonah’s pa. Abner was a talkin about Jonah being possessed by Satan and that a dark angel had led his guard dogs astray so that Jonah could do his evil master’s deeds.
When Jonah got home later on that day he say that his pa was waiting for him with a big ole switch but being the nimble young lad that he was he escaped and decided it was high time he left, so he ran away.
Well about a year later after things had calmed down Jonah came back to Ripley, his ma and pa were happy that he was alright and welcomed him home with open arms. Jonah said that he had made his way down to Memphis and began telling tales of horseless carriages, indoor toilets, indoor water and gas lighting.
When the mayor Ripley heard about this he immediately sent for a pastor and claimed the boy was possessed by the devil. The pastor agreed and a whole bunch of people got together and tried to catch the boy to give him an exorcism, but the boy heard the ruckus coming his way and easily escaped the mob and made his way to Abner’s farm. He mounted Emily and rode off into the sunset. The story goes that the boy made his way back to Memphis where Emily won a blue ribbon and with the winnings Jonah started a successful trucking company.

“Welcome Aboard!”

Since: Feb 12

Greyhound, FL.

#17 Feb 23, 2012
pops101 wrote:
Would it possible to get a few addresses for ole Pops if he ever does get to Ripley? I could think of 3 or 4.Man wouldnt that be an eye opener.
Iffn you are looking for some companionship, this ain't that kind of tour.

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