Married Men who are gay

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MarriedMan4Men

Pikeville, KY

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#1
Nov 29, 2009
 

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this thread if for married men who are secretly gay. we live a life that is very hard. One one side I love my wife and my kids. I love being a family man. But I was pressured into it at at early age. Back in the day it wasn't as ok to be gay. You had to hide it, fight it, and not talk about it.

My wife is my life but I'm not in love with her and I only find her mildy attractive. I have 4 kids. two are in high school. One is in college and the other has graduated college.

I am so proud of all of them. But on the inside I'm not happy because I am lying and cheating on my family and have done so for many years.

i wish I grew up in todays times where it is more ok to be yourself and you don't have to lie to everyone around you and you don't have to be ashamed anymore.

The younger generation has it made compared to the hell of growing up 20 years ago.

I'm not saying its right to cheat. Its very wrong. Don't do what I'm doing.

Most gays today don't do this and look down on it, but for us older set we felt we had no choice but to live the "straight" life.

I'm sure there are other married men just like me out there.

how do you cope?
Road Rage

Pikeville, KY

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#2
Nov 29, 2009
 

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MarriedMan4Men wrote:
this thread if for married men who are secretly gay. we live a life that is very hard. One one side I love my wife and my kids. I love being a family man. But I was pressured into it at at early age. Back in the day it wasn't as ok to be gay. You had to hide it, fight it, and not talk about it.
My wife is my life but I'm not in love with her and I only find her mildy attractive. I have 4 kids. two are in high school. One is in college and the other has graduated college.
I am so proud of all of them. But on the inside I'm not happy because I am lying and cheating on my family and have done so for many years.
i wish I grew up in todays times where it is more ok to be yourself and you don't have to lie to everyone around you and you don't have to be ashamed anymore.
The younger generation has it made compared to the hell of growing up 20 years ago.
I'm not saying its right to cheat. Its very wrong. Don't do what I'm doing.
Most gays today don't do this and look down on it, but for us older set we felt we had no choice but to live the "straight" life.
I'm sure there are other married men just like me out there.
how do you cope?
I HOPE SHE FINDS YOU OUT AND KICKS YOUR A** TO THE CURB...
worried

Virgie, KY

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#3
Nov 29, 2009
 

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you need to tell your wife the truth.my x husband was the same way we were married for 8 years had a kid i found out the hard way and it just about finished me off i thought there was something was matter with me that he wanted a man but it wasnt me it was him .nobody should ever have to go thru that so you need to tell her now before she finds out the hard way like i did i wasted 8 years of my life on the idiot i was married to but i have my beautiful daughter that was the only thing that was good about it..dont keep being idiot tell her............
get real

Elkhorn City, KY

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#4
Nov 29, 2009
 

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You should have thought about all that before marrying a woman and bringing children into this world. They should not have to deal with your homo urges and the embarrassment that it will surely cause them....how would I know?...I have been through it. I was married to a man that was in the closet until he decided to come out after years of marriage and children. It was humilating for everyone but him evidently. I could walk away with no problem, but my children have to deal with it everyday of their lives. I also have pitty on his family, I mean really how would you feel to have a son that is a QUEER, think about it. I would be ashamed to think that my son chose a man to have sex with than his family. It is pathetic!
Well Stated

Harold, KY

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#5
Nov 29, 2009
 

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MarriedMan4Men wrote:
this thread if for married men who are secretly gay. we live a life that is very hard. One one side I love my wife and my kids. I love being a family man. But I was pressured into it at at early age. Back in the day it wasn't as ok to be gay. You had to hide it, fight it, and not talk about it.
My wife is my life but I'm not in love with her and I only find her mildy attractive. I have 4 kids. two are in high school. One is in college and the other has graduated college.
I am so proud of all of them. But on the inside I'm not happy because I am lying and cheating on my family and have done so for many years.
i wish I grew up in todays times where it is more ok to be yourself and you don't have to lie to everyone around you and you don't have to be ashamed anymore.
The younger generation has it made compared to the hell of growing up 20 years ago.
I'm not saying its right to cheat. Its very wrong. Don't do what I'm doing.
Most gays today don't do this and look down on it, but for us older set we felt we had no choice but to live the "straight" life.
I'm sure there are other married men just like me out there.
how do you cope?
I am not in your situation, but I can understand what you must feel. Just being gay in this area is terrible. I too was pressure but I never married. Coping is very hard, I go to work everyday and mind my own business and pretty much don't have a social life. These post on here are ignorant, my advice is not to listen to some of them. They don't know what they are talking about nor have never experienced being called a "queer" all their life. Keep in mind that you are in what some consider to be the Bible Belt. Much of this attributes to their ignornace. Again, people do not know you anguish, they have never taken a step in your shoes.
get real

Elkhorn City, KY

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#6
Nov 29, 2009
 

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Well Stated wrote:
<quoted text>
I am not in your situation, but I can understand what you must feel. Just being gay in this area is terrible. I too was pressure but I never married. Coping is very hard, I go to work everyday and mind my own business and pretty much don't have a social life. These post on here are ignorant, my advice is not to listen to some of them. They don't know what they are talking about nor have never experienced being called a "queer" all their life. Keep in mind that you are in what some consider to be the Bible Belt. Much of this attributes to their ignornace. Again, people do not know you anguish, they have never taken a step in your shoes.
I agree that "they have never taken a step in your shoes"....but why put up the pretense by marrying a woman and bringing innocent children into it? I know this man has experienced anguish just like my ex suffered, but he needs to think about someone other than himself. Evidently he married to appear to others not to be gay or to run from it, but why bring in other people pretending to be something you are not? When entering a marriage or any relationship, you need to be real and upfront and not play with people's lives and emotions especially the children's.
jenna

Winchester, KY

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#8
Nov 29, 2009
 

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robert elkins is gay and married to a woman.
LOL

Harold, KY

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Nov 29, 2009
 

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get real wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree that "they have never taken a step in your shoes"....but why put up the pretense by marrying a woman and bringing innocent children into it? I know this man has experienced anguish just like my ex suffered, but he needs to think about someone other than himself. Evidently he married to appear to others not to be gay or to run from it, but why bring in other people pretending to be something you are not? When entering a marriage or any relationship, you need to be real and upfront and not play with people's lives and emotions especially the children's.
It's the Christiam thing to do, in this area. My point exactly, his life would have been ruined had he not married. A prime example of the stupid societal influences of this area. Yes, I do have sympathy for his family. This should have never happened.
get real

Elkhorn City, KY

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#10
Nov 30, 2009
 

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I dont agree that it is the "Christian thing to do" - people do things for one reason - THEY WANT TO - I know everyone says that society pressures you that when you grow up, you get married, have kids, live in a white house with picket fence....live happily ever after....blah blah blah....but that is not reality. People do things because they want to. Everyone needs to think things through before they do them, think about why they want to do it and the ramifications, if any that may follow. I will be the first to admit that I honestly dont understand the whole "gay" thing. But I do know that people should not start things (like marriage or relationships) that they dont intend on finishing.
Bobbie

Whitesburg, KY

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#11
Nov 30, 2009
 

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MarriedMan4Men wrote:
this thread if for married men who are secretly gay. we live a life that is very hard. One one side I love my wife and my kids. I love being a family man. But I was pressured into it at at early age. Back in the day it wasn't as ok to be gay. You had to hide it, fight it, and not talk about it.
My wife is my life but I'm not in love with her and I only find her mildy attractive. I have 4 kids. two are in high school. One is in college and the other has graduated college.
I am so proud of all of them. But on the inside I'm not happy because I am lying and cheating on my family and have done so for many years.
i wish I grew up in todays times where it is more ok to be yourself and you don't have to lie to everyone around you and you don't have to be ashamed anymore.
The younger generation has it made compared to the hell of growing up 20 years ago.
I'm not saying its right to cheat. Its very wrong. Don't do what I'm doing.
Most gays today don't do this and look down on it, but for us older set we felt we had no choice but to live the "straight" life.
I'm sure there are other married men just like me out there.
how do you cope?
Don't you feel bad at all for the anguish you have caused your wife, you know she knows you don't want her sexually and she probably feels it is her. She knows you are gay and is standing by you because it is the right thing to do, again something we women were taught to do as we grew up, stay in a marriage and stand by your husband. Your children also have probably had a rough life knowing there was something about you different from other fathers. How can you get on here and talk about coping without regard to what you have done to the people around you who love you. Selfish in my opinion. And yes, I speak from experience.
get real

Elkhorn City, KY

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Nov 30, 2009
 

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Bobbie wrote:
<quoted text>
Don't you feel bad at all for the anguish you have caused your wife, you know she knows you don't want her sexually and she probably feels it is her. She knows you are gay and is standing by you because it is the right thing to do, again something we women were taught to do as we grew up, stay in a marriage and stand by your husband. Your children also have probably had a rough life knowing there was something about you different from other fathers. How can you get on here and talk about coping without regard to what you have done to the people around you who love you. Selfish in my opinion. And yes, I speak from experience.
Well stated Bobbie!- I speak from experience also.
worried

Virgie, KY

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#13
Nov 30, 2009
 

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the christian thing to do would be to tell your wife the truth dont live a lie and wait until she finds out maybe the hard way like i did i caught my x in the act ..i wish i had found out sooner i wish someone would have told me it would have been easier than finding out the way i did 8 years wasted the pain that me and my daughter went thru over this ..its horrible this is no how no way the christian thing to do.. right is right and this is very wrong its a LIE any way you look at it ...shame on you i have no pity on you because you are the one that is not telling the truth.............
And furthur more

Pikeville, KY

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#14
Nov 30, 2009
 

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I hate it when people say we are IGNORANT because our opinion of being gay is wrong. It is a sin. I too was married for 8 yrs to a man who wouldn't admit he was gay but I knew it in my heart. I found gay porn on the computer and I questioned him, he denied it. I told him if he was gay then go be what you are and he still wouldn't admit it. He would go for 8 months at a time and never touch me in a sexual way. I am just glad we didn't have kids. I am not IGNORANT because I think its wrong its my right to feel this way. I agree with Bobbie.. SELFISH is what you are.. Your wife and children deserve the sympathy not you.
Loren A Olson MD

Saint Charles, IA

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#15
Dec 7, 2009
 

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MarriedMan4Men,

I too was in the same position you are. I know that the situation is much more complicated than many who have posted responses to your original post.

There are millions of men like you, some who thought they might be gay when they married, some, like me, who had no idea.

There are actually more men who call themselves heterosexual who have sex with men than men who call themselves gay.

You may want to join the discussion on www.MagneticFire.com
i dont understand

United States

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#16
Dec 7, 2009
 

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I am actually relieved that I found this post. I thought that I was the only one in this small town who was going through this. I was married to my ex husband for 16 solid years. I gave him 3 healthy, smart, beautiful children. We bought a beautiful house and raised our kids in church.

Over the years that we were married it never crossed my mind that he was gay. He would go for months and months at a time without touching me sexually. He would blame stress from work and bills. I believed him. He also had a hard time getting an erection and keeping it when we finally were sexual, but he blamed this too on stress from work and bills. He went as far as to make an appointment with the doctor for this. The doctor gave him Viagra and started him on Zoloft and Buspar. After a few months of him taking the medicines nothing seemed to change, except for the fact that he started working long hours, going to work early, hanging out with his new found, "friends."

He seemed to have a burst of energy and was so happy about life. He seemed to love me, but not love me sexually. He was always going hunting over the weekend or on long fishing trips with the boys. I was happy in my heart that he was happy in life now, as he always acted happy, but some depressed. But it really hurt that I carried around with me the thoughts and feelings that my husband didn't find me attractive, didn't want me sexually, and didn't want to do things with me. I felt I was too ugly for him to have sex with, I wasn't good in bed, I was too boring. This caused me to fall into a depression.

In the beginning of our relationship we tried to concieve our children and got lucky by becoming pregnant the first 3 months of trying with each. Even when we concieved our children I felt as though sex wasn't enjoyed by him. He has never given me oral, and I noticed he would always close his eyes when doing anything sexual with me.

Our children are 9, 12 and 15 years old. They know that their father is gay. We have already divorced.

One of my friends from church told me they saw my husband having a picnic at the Bob Amos park, I thought nothing of it. The next weekend one of the members from church asked why was I not with my husband when he was having a picnic with his friend at the Bob Amos park on another day. I didn't think anything of it, I mean why worry that your husband is having a picnic with a guy friend? When many friends and family started to spot my husband out at picnic areas, parks and rest stops with men I started to wonder. I asked him straight if he were gay. He denied it for 3 days. It only took 3 days for him to cave in and tell me he was infact gay. He told me he loved me and the kids more than the world, but he never loved me sexually or romantically. He was too afraid to, "come out" and felt that getting married and having children would make his sexually urges for other men go away.

Our children wont have anything to do with them. They feel betrayed. My 2 son's speak very badly of their father, they are clearly very, very hurt. I always remind them that their father loves them no matter what. They dont want to hear it. Both sons have had to start in therapy and one of the two started on depression medication and anxiety medication. My daughter doesn't speak much about any of it, she has went into her own shell of thoughts. In my opinion think she will end up depressed and making the wrong choices in life due to her fathers actions. I have been trying to get her to go to therapy for months now.

I'm sorry to hear that another family are going through this painful process, but releaved that I am not alone in this emotional war.

I wish your WIFE and KIDS the very best of luck, they will need as much as they can get after they find out.
ClosetCases

Pikeville, KY

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#17
Dec 7, 2009
 

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I agree that there are tons of guys who don't identify as gay who marry and date women but yet act gay sexually.

I know guys who seem homophobic and they date or are married to women but yet they hook up with guys on the internet...

I prefer honest moral gay guys who know who they are, and don't string women a long..

but yeah society pressures some guys to be closet cases because they feel societal rejection and rejection from their family and friends.

-Sean
Sht Kicker

Bryn Mawr, PA

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#18
Nov 4, 2010
 

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August 2010 found out the hard way,the lousy sap I married has been sexually involved with multiple married men for over 36 months.Our near 30 yr. marriage with our daughter being the only act of grace to evolve from what is otherwise a sick joke of a life together.I don't buy into this framework that gay men couldn't leap out of the closet 30 years ago because they did.He was too f'g freaked then about being exposed as he is now, and now he's really pissed at me for having blown his cover,like he owns an otherwise f'g perfect life? F no. He likes it up the a--? I've got my sht kickers on and that's exactly where I'm aiming- it'll hurt for awhile but the damage will do him good.Men like him really do SUCK, anyone,anywhere.
robert

Virgie, KY

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#19
Nov 4, 2010
 

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get real wrote:
You should have thought about all that before marrying a woman and bringing children into this world. They should not have to deal with your homo urges and the embarrassment that it will surely cause them....how would I know?...I have been through it. I was married to a man that was in the closet until he decided to come out after years of marriage and children. It was humilating for everyone but him evidently. I could walk away with no problem, but my children have to deal with it everyday of their lives. I also have pitty on his family, I mean really how would you feel to have a son that is a QUEER, think about it. I would be ashamed to think that my son chose a man to have sex with than his family. It is pathetic!
i have been there myself but single at the time but lookig for someone. so if u are a femine guy sorry i dont like that. i am maskuline and im looking for a maskuline guy, rob
Sht Kicker

Bryn Mawr, PA

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#21
Nov 4, 2010
 
Road Rage wrote:
<quoted text>I HOPE SHE FINDS YOU OUT AND KICKS YOUR A** TO THE CURB...
Hey Spineless, you'd probably find prison life a welcome change, no?

“LOVED BY 1000s”

Since: Jul 10

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Nov 4, 2010
 

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Well we all were made aware of another gay man who is using matrimony and children as a "front" in an
effort to conceal his homosexuality.The ID on Topix
known as Stop Crying/WTF/"Mark Adkins" revealed to us
all at least 2 months ago about his using a wife and
son as his cover to conceal his homosexuality and yes
we were appropriately sickened by his claims as we always are with anything to do with that homosexual
son of a bitch!

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