Okay, let's tell some jokes

Created by Some know who on Jan 4, 2013

21 votes

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Try

to

keep

them

fairly

clean

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#266 Jan 31, 2013
State Of The Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#267 Jan 31, 2013
I spent all morning trying to reconfigure the company's intranet server so that byte packets could be sent in hexadecimal formats rather than binary in order to improve the optimization of the internal intranet and speed up the imap and http transfers. I was having awful trouble trying to get the conversion rate to an acceptable level within the bandwidth available and then I thought... What am I doing? I'm only the janitor.

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#268 Jan 31, 2013
Curious when she found two loong forgotten negatives in a drawer, my aunt had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were photo's of her, taken when she was much younger and slimmer. She was posing on the hood of the car of my uncle had before they married. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up.

"Wow, look at that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#269 Jan 31, 2013
Judged:1
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#270 Jan 31, 2013
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#271 Jan 31, 2013
*1040 EZ 2 DO TAX FORM*

1. How much money did you make last year?

$_________

2. Send it to us.

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#272 Jan 31, 2013
$7.00 Sex

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks,'What can I do for you?'

The man says,'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says,'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.'

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#273 Jan 31, 2013
My buddy and I were bored so we started doing impressions. When it was my turn, I said, "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"

My buddy laughed and said, "Too easy... Robert De Niro."

I said, "Nope. Stevie Wonder."

“So Sweet ;)”

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#274 Feb 1, 2013
x-pitcher wrote:
$7.00 Sex
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks,'What can I do for you?'
The man says,'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says,'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says,'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.'
LOL!!!

Since: Oct 10

Location hidden

#275 Feb 1, 2013
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#276 Feb 2, 2013
I wonder if, way back in Victorian times, Tourette's sufferers blurted out things like "fiddlesticks," "balderdash" and "poppycock."

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#277 Feb 2, 2013
To be fair, 45 to mail a letter is not so expensive when you stop and think about it. You can send a letter anywhere and it will only take two or three days to arrive.

I mean, it's not as if you can do that on your computer.....for free.....in seconds.

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#278 Feb 2, 2013
On a hot blistering summer day, a redneck cowboy comes ridding into town on
his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a
tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman
comes into the bar and asks who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck
cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, Your dog seems to be in heat?
The redneck cowboy replies, No way dog's in heat, he's cool cause I got him tied
under the shade of the tree? The policeman says, No! You don't understand;
your dog needs to be bred. No way, the redneck cowboys say, dog don't need
bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this morning. Now policeman
gets mad and yells out; NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to
have sex! The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, Go ahead. I always wanted
a police dog!

Since: Oct 10

Location hidden

#279 Feb 3, 2013
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#280 Feb 3, 2013


It is so annoying, when people you are with or are stuck with on trains,
planes etc. are constantly on their mobiles!

Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out
his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi Sweetheart,
it's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned
over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#281 Feb 4, 2013
The Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now the baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is .... moleasses!"

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#282 Feb 4, 2013
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#283 Feb 4, 2013
A blonde women started to work at a school as a teacher.

It came to break time, and while she was on duty she noticed a girl standing by herself and thought nothing of it.

Later in the day when lunch time came she noticed the same girl by herself again, while other children were enjoying a game of soccer.

She decided to go over to the girl and asked her if she was alright, the girl replied "Yes" and the teacher said "Why are you always by yourself here?" to which the girl replied "Because I'm the goalie!"

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#284 Feb 4, 2013
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car.

She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.

The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.

Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling.

So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#285 Feb 4, 2013
A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh... that's interesting... Why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duh, what else could you name your watch dogs??"

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