Mom says lesbian daughter, girlfriend...

Mom says lesbian daughter, girlfriend have taken over

There are 428 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Feb 18, 2008, titled Mom says lesbian daughter, girlfriend have taken over. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

Dear Amy: My daughter is 25 years old, graduated from college and has a job. She lives with me and pays me rent.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

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Jane

Elmwood Park, IL

#1 Feb 18, 2008
LOL ! Eugenia sounds like a real class act and I'm sure Italian-Americans of Chicago and elsewhere appreciate her being their spokesperson.
Missy

Indianapolis, IN

#2 Feb 18, 2008
I agree with Amy in the last letter. I cannot believe the gall of that woman saying a reception must have alcohol. My parents wedding did not have any (and they are Catholic!) and great fun was had by all! This woman obviuously cares more about a free drink and meal than wishing the new couple a happy marriage. She'd be lucky to get an invite with an attitude like that!
Ann

Chicago, IL

#3 Feb 18, 2008
To LW2 (the single woman in love with a married man): you say it doesn't matter to you that he likely won't leave his wife...but I have a feeling that deep down you DO wish that. But even if he DID leave her and marry you, please consider this: he'd likely take up with another girlfriend-not-just-a-booty-ca ll. Remember, if he did it to his wife he could do it to you too. It's probably how he gets his kicks. Hopefully someday (sooner rather than later) you'll realize he is SCUM who is just using you. I hope you find some some self-esteem and QUICK, then maybe you'll have the courage to dump this *** and find a nice, single guy who's free to love and be with you.
Dienne

United States

#4 Feb 18, 2008
I get the feeling that LW1's anger with her daughter's "friend" has zero to do with "disrespect" and 100% to do with her own disgust about the lesbian relationship. I bet she'd have no problem if her daughter's boyfriend did his laundry at her house or ate off her table. In fact, those are not terribly outrageous behaviors. If it's a matter of the cost of the water/laundry supplies/food, then she could simply tell her daughter that she'll have to contribute more for those expenses. But it sounds like she's just disgusted that this lesbian dares to touch her stuff, like lesbianism is contagious or something. She also seems to show a bit of denial that her daughter is also lesbian - she blames it all on the friend.
too old

Chicago, IL

#5 Feb 18, 2008
LW1- if you don't want them in your home, tell them. I think your reason stinks, but it's your house. Your daughter needs to know that you don't respect her life partner and she should be able to decide, with 100% knowledge of how you feel, how involved she wants you in their lives. I'd be surprised if it's at all with your close-minded attitude.

LW2- You're being used, plain and simple. You're the other woman. You're his_whore_ and his bootycall no matter if he says you are or not. His actions speak volumes about how little he respects you (or women as a whole, if he's a newlywed and pulling this crap). If you have even one ounce of self-respect, you'll leave him today. Otherwise, don't come crying back here on the day he breaks your heart. You know he's married, there's no excuse for what you're doing with him.

LW3- As another Irish-(and Italian)-Catholic American, I would like to thank you for smearing the stereotypes of the Irish drunkards even more. If they don't want alcohol at their reception, then they shouldn't have it. If guests don't like it, tough cookies. Send a check and go to a bar to toast their lives together.
Maria

Hicksville, NY

#6 Feb 18, 2008
Jane wrote:
LOL ! Eugenia sounds like a real class act and I'm sure Italian-Americans of Chicago and elsewhere appreciate her being their spokesperson.
I am an Italian-American and I certainly do not want Eugenia speaking for me!

If one needs alcohol to have a good time, then one needs to get help. I enjoy a drink or two at a party but if there is no alcohol served it doesn't "ruin" it for me. I can still have a good time.
Eljay

Hicksville, NY

#7 Feb 18, 2008
Dienne wrote:
I get the feeling that LW1's anger with her daughter's "friend" has zero to do with "disrespect" and 100% to do with her own disgust about the lesbian relationship. I bet she'd have no problem if her daughter's boyfriend did his laundry at her house or ate off her table. In fact, those are not terribly outrageous behaviors. If it's a matter of the cost of the water/laundry supplies/food, then she could simply tell her daughter that she'll have to contribute more for those expenses. But it sounds like she's just disgusted that this lesbian dares to touch her stuff, like lesbianism is contagious or something. She also seems to show a bit of denial that her daughter is also lesbian - she blames it all on the friend.
ITA!- The mother asked "where are their morals?" in regards to doing laundry and eating off the table. I can understand questioning "manners" but not "morals." That spoke volumes about how the mom feels about her daughter being a lesbian.
MaconBacon

Glendale Heights, IL

#8 Feb 18, 2008
Weddings without alcohol are boring. It is a party.

I grew up in Chicago with Polish, Italian, and Irish Catholics and have found that wherever you find 4 Catholics, you'll find a FIFTH.

(younger people will not understand this)
rain

Ripley, MS

#9 Feb 18, 2008
I agree that if both bride and groom want no alcohol at the reception, then that's how it should be. But I live in the arch-conservative deep South, and I've been to too many wedding receptions that were "dry" because one side of the newly blended family doesn't drink for religious reasons and would take offense if alcohol were served. In this case, it's not a matter of celebrating the couple's faith, but of the more liberal and tolerant side agreeing to abide by an ideal they don't hold because the more conservative and intolerant side is too inflexible to ever consider doing so.(As another example, our Episcopal prayer book has gender-exclusive language, and the tolerant progressives put up with it because if it changed to gender-inclusive the intolerant conservatives would be stretched past their limits and walk out.) So I guess I'm just putting in my vote for tolerance from both sides, which, at least where I'm from, would result in more alcohol served at wedding receptions.
Lori

United States

#10 Feb 18, 2008
Eugenia actually has one good point, in that a wedding is not "all about the couple" -- that's the kind of thinking that leads to bridezilla.

But if a wedding is a celebration joining family and community, planners must show respect to *both* sides of this new community. If you marry into an observant Hindu family, you probably won't serve beef, even if your great-aunt sniffs that "vegeterian is inhospitable and just plain *cheap*."

I've read observant Mormons also don't drink coffee/tea, and I'd think that not serving those drinks would be even more controversial, since a even more people like their after-dinner coffee with dessert than drink alcohol. Maybe that was this couple's compromise -- they'd serve caffeine, but no alcohol!
Joan of Arc

San Antonio, TX

#11 Feb 18, 2008
LW1 - I wouldn't like my 25-yr old constantly having over her boyfriend to do laundry, eat, hang out all the time - forget about the sexual orientation - wouldn't matter. It's MY privacy and home being invaded and taken over by someone I didn't invite or perhaps even like. I would question their judgment of assuming it was ok to do this without asking if it bothered me or if I had plans to have friends in. It is not simply showing disrespect to her mother; it is totally rude to not give consideration to another person. They sound like 5 year olds - gimmee, gimmee, gimmee.
LW2- 6 months after he gets married he takes up with you? Well at least you know the length of his interest in you.
golf girl

Lyons, IL

#12 Feb 18, 2008
LW #1 Its obvious you aren't very accepting of your daughters lifestyle.If you" loved her no matter what" then you would accept her for who she is.

LW#2 Age old scenario- Leave now. You are being used . There is no future with a married man.

LW#3 I thought the wedding was about the couple who were getting married.As far as "renting out a bar close to the reception" then what ? get in a car and drive to the reception? That sounds like a great plan!
WTF

Amston, CT

#13 Feb 18, 2008
Dienne wrote:
I get the feeling that LW1's anger with her daughter's "friend" has zero to do with "disrespect" and 100% to do with her own disgust about the lesbian relationship. I bet she'd have no problem if her daughter's boyfriend did his laundry at her house or ate off her table. In fact, those are not terribly outrageous behaviors. If it's a matter of the cost of the water/laundry supplies/food, then she could simply tell her daughter that she'll have to contribute more for those expenses. But it sounds like she's just disgusted that this lesbian dares to touch her stuff, like lesbianism is contagious or something. She also seems to show a bit of denial that her daughter is also lesbian - she blames it all on the friend.
You probably right. OTOH, it's pretty much impossible to tell someone how they should 'feel' and expect them to change those 'feelings'...whether you agree with them or not.
Mar

Austin, TX

#14 Feb 18, 2008
I'm not a teetotaler by any means, but I agree that whether alcohol is served or not depends of the couple. The other day I read an article about wedding day nightmares and the message board for it. At least 90% of the horror stories (actually some were hilarious) were caused by too much alcohol.
Amazing stuff

Lake Forest, IL

#15 Feb 18, 2008
I remember feedback comments in response to original letter from the mom of a recently converted Mormon son. There was so much back and forth about whether weddings are about entertaining guests' and should provide booze or if the wedding is about the union of the two people and guests witness that event.

I converted to Judaism and then found myself a Jewish man. Although all of my family is not-Jewish and half his family is not-Jewish, I am having a Jewish wedding. I am sure some people will be uncomfortable with religious aspects of the wedding, and I am sure some will want meat and bread and butter served as a meal choice. I'm toning down the Hebrew out of respect to peoples sensibilities, but it will be a kosher wedding. Cultural traditions from my childhood religion will brought in, but it won't override the spiritual feel of the day.

Arguing that alcohol should be served at a Mormom wedding is like arguing that shrimp should be served at a Jewish or Muslim wedding, it is a rude and ignorant request. I would never bring wine to enjoy at a friend in AA's home, nor would I expect that he provide it for my comfort. There are times when the values of the host/hostess override the guests, and a wedding is one. If you don't like it, please- for everyone's sake- just don't go.
Belle

Winter Garden, FL

#16 Feb 18, 2008
too old wrote:
LW1- if you don't want them in your home, tell them. I think your reason stinks, but it's your house. Your daughter needs to know that you don't respect her life partner and she should be able to decide, with 100% knowledge of how you feel, how involved she wants you in their lives. I'd be surprised if it's at all with your close-minded attitude.
LW2- You're being used, plain and simple. You're the other woman. You're his_whore_ and his bootycall no matter if he says you are or not. His actions speak volumes about how little he respects you (or women as a whole, if he's a newlywed and pulling this crap). If you have even one ounce of self-respect, you'll leave him today. Otherwise, don't come crying back here on the day he breaks your heart. You know he's married, there's no excuse for what you're doing with him.
LW3- As another Irish-(and Italian)-Catholic American, I would like to thank you for smearing the stereotypes of the Irish drunkards even more. If they don't want alcohol at their reception, then they shouldn't have it. If guests don't like it, tough cookies. Send a check and go to a bar to toast their lives together.
Brava!(or Bravo!) "Too Old" has put the years to good use!:-)
Dienne

United States

#17 Feb 18, 2008
Joan of Arc wrote:
LW1 - I wouldn't like my 25-yr old constantly having over her boyfriend to do laundry, eat, hang out all the time - forget about the sexual orientation - wouldn't matter. It's MY privacy and home being invaded and taken over by someone I didn't invite or perhaps even like. I would question their judgment of assuming it was ok to do this without asking if it bothered me or if I had plans to have friends in. It is not simply showing disrespect to her mother; it is totally rude to not give consideration to another person. They sound like 5 year olds - gimmee, gimmee, gimmee.
First, as Eljay pointed out, the LW asked "where are their morals?" So clearly it's about the lesbian relationship, not just the invasion of her privacy. Invasion of privacy is a matter of manners, not morals.
Second, the LW says that her daughter pays rent. That makes her a tenant and tenants have rights to have people over to their space. You wouldn't like your landlord to tell you who you could or couldn't have over and when, so why does the mother get that right? It sounds like it's not working out for the daughter to rent from her mother, so she should find different accomodations. But in the meantime, the daughter has the right to have her "friend" over.(I think it's very telling that the LW can't bring herself to use words like "lover", "partner", "significant other", etc.)
younger person

Aurora, IL

#18 Feb 18, 2008
MaconBacon wrote:
Weddings without alcohol are boring. It is a party.
I grew up in Chicago with Polish, Italian, and Irish Catholics and have found that wherever you find 4 Catholics, you'll find a FIFTH.
(younger people will not understand this)
alcohol........( next )

Since: Nov 07

Chicago, IL

#21 Feb 18, 2008
the wedding is ALL about the couple that is getting married and no one else.
actually

Aurora, IL

#23 Feb 18, 2008
NOT necessarily sticking up for the lesbian daughter and her partner, BUT didn't she say the daughter is paying rent?

If she's paying rent, then she would have the same rights as any other renter to use her space to entertain whomever she chooses.

I think the mother needs to just tell the daughter that she needs to find a place OF HER OWN to rent (that she doesn't have to share with Mom)-- or the daughter could just move in with her girlfriend and pay her share of the rent there!

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