When spouse doesn't want sex, what ar...

When spouse doesn't want sex, what are the possible options?

There are 984 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Jun 4, 2008, titled When spouse doesn't want sex, what are the possible options?. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

W hat do you do when you're married and your partner doesn't want to have sex any more? What's the answer? If counseling doesn't work or your partner won't go, what are your options? Divorce? Death? Affairs? ...

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

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Cynthia

Waterford Works, NJ

#1 Jun 5, 2008
WOW! Amazing, totally amazing. Sex is ALL that marriage is about? Believe me, the man who has been cheating for over 20 years is fooling himself when he says his wife doesn't know about it! She may not know precisely who and when and how often, but she knows and it is probably one of the reaons she is having an 'nonsexual affair'. She, as is true with most women, needs an intimate emotional connection, sex comes second in most cases (mine included). A woman feels like a piece of meat when a man only pays attention to her when he climbs into bed when sleep is all she has on her mind. I thought marriage was about commitment, companionship, love, goals, and sex. I didn't know that sex is all it was about. Dumb me. The man didn't mention if there were children in this 25 year marriage. Wonder if they know Dad is a liar and cheat because that is precisely what he is!

“Mystery Repeats”

Since: May 08

Dordrecht

#2 Jun 5, 2008
Cynthia wrote:
WOW! Amazing, totally amazing. Sex is ALL that marriage is about? Believe me, the man who has been cheating for over 20 years is fooling himself when he says his wife doesn't know about it! She may not know precisely who and when and how often, but she knows and it is probably one of the reaons she is having an 'nonsexual affair'. She, as is true with most women, needs an intimate emotional connection, sex comes second in most cases (mine included). A woman feels like a piece of meat when a man only pays attention to her when he climbs into bed when sleep is all she has on her mind. I thought marriage was about commitment, companionship, love, goals, and sex. I didn't know that sex is all it was about. Dumb me. The man didn't mention if there were children in this 25 year marriage. Wonder if they know Dad is a liar and cheat because that is precisely what he is!
true it is verry wrong of him to cheat, but for men sex is ass important as the love and all the other things, ok maybe not as important but close, anyway, u should have sex with your partner even after 60 years of mariage
"Marriage, to me, includes physical and mental closeness. Any marriage that doesn't include the two is not a marriage, it's just a living arrangement with financial bonds."
so i feel the same way
I say

Michigan City, IN

#3 Jun 5, 2008
Everyone gets that twitch now & then. Some more than others.
dvc

New York, NY

#4 Jun 5, 2008
They call it "cheating" for a reason

“People are fun to watch”

Since: Aug 07

Chicago

#5 Jun 5, 2008
Cynthia wrote:
WOW! Amazing, totally amazing. Sex is ALL that marriage is about? Believe me, the man who has been cheating for over 20 years is fooling himself when he says his wife doesn't know about it! She may not know precisely who and when and how often, but she knows and it is probably one of the reaons she is having an 'nonsexual affair'. She, as is true with most women, needs an intimate emotional connection, sex comes second in most cases (mine included). A woman feels like a piece of meat when a man only pays attention to her when he climbs into bed when sleep is all she has on her mind. I thought marriage was about commitment, companionship, love, goals, and sex. I didn't know that sex is all it was about. Dumb me. The man didn't mention if there were children in this 25 year marriage. Wonder if they know Dad is a liar and cheat because that is precisely what he is!
Cynthia, sex may not be THE most important thing, but when it's missing, it moves right up to the top of the list. As you say, LW is fooling himself, but not about his wife knowing, but about her "non-sexual affair.' Betcha it's not "non-sexual." Just because she doesn't like to have sex with HIM doesn't mean she's not getting any.
Kaylee

Palm Coast, FL

#6 Jun 5, 2008
I say wrote:
Everyone gets that twitch now & then. Some more than others.
Well, sure. Even happily commited people might take a second look at an attractive person. Or they might have a good friend of the opposite sex and sometimes think about what might have been. We're humans. We like novelty.

But I would hope that, being humans, we think with the brains in our heads and not the ones in our nether regions. If one commits to a monogamous relationship, one needs to honor that committment. If it's a promise one party can no longer keep, then s/he has an obligation to release her/his partner from the same promise.
josepha

Elgin, IL

#7 Jun 5, 2008
Cynthia wrote:
WOW! Amazing, totally amazing. Sex is ALL that marriage is about? Believe me, the man who has been cheating for over 20 years is fooling himself when he says his wife doesn't know about it! She may not know precisely who and when and how often, but she knows and it is probably one of the reasons she is having an 'nonsexual affair'. She, as is true with most women, needs an intimate emotional connection, sex comes second in most cases (mine included). A woman feels like a piece of meat when a man only pays attention to her when he climbs into bed when sleep is all she has on her mind. I thought marriage was about commitment, companionship, love, goals, and sex. I didn't know that sex is all it was about. Dumb me. The man didn't mention if there were children in this 25 year marriage. Wonder if they know Dad is a liar and cheat because that is precisely what he is!
It is not the most important thing, but, when you want to get at the other individual it is the weapon of choice. I never have heard about someone getting mad about someone meeting with another man or woman to read books and drink lattes at Barns and Noble. Marriage is about commitment alright, commitment to someone like you. Just like commitment to an asylum.
Jennifer

Stamford, CT

#8 Jun 5, 2008
Everyone's happy. Except those that don't know that the life they are living is a lie!
orlando native

United States

#9 Jun 5, 2008
Cynthia wrote:
WOW! Amazing, totally amazing. Sex is ALL that marriage is about? Believe me, the man who has been cheating for over 20 years is fooling himself when he says his wife doesn't know about it! She may not know precisely who and when and how often, but she knows and it is probably one of the reaons she is having an 'nonsexual affair'. She, as is true with most women, needs an intimate emotional connection, sex comes second in most cases (mine included). A woman feels like a piece of meat when a man only pays attention to her when he climbs into bed when sleep is all she has on her mind. I thought marriage was about commitment, companionship, love, goals, and sex. I didn't know that sex is all it was about. Dumb me. The man didn't mention if there were children in this 25 year marriage. Wonder if they know Dad is a liar and cheat because that is precisely what he is!
Reread the first part of the story. They have 3 kids. Probably the only reason he is still married to her.

“Mystery Repeats”

Since: May 08

Dordrecht

#10 Jun 5, 2008
dvc wrote:
They call it "cheating" for a reason
first make sure u know that i wouldnt cheat myself, i just wanna put things into perspective.

true and i agree cheating is wrong, but not "putting out" as they say, that is actually as bad as cheating, maybe even worse, since it means you dont give your partner anything of something which is also part of a mariage, which basicly of course is actually no more then a promise to do everything to mantain a for life monogamous romantic, emotional, financial, and last but definetly NOT LEAST sexual relationship.

so if any of these are broken then the mariage need maintenance work. women might not be able to understand but its that a mans body produces so much testosteron, testosteron makes u wanna have sex. so in order for a guy to stay happy, sorry it sounds pretty bad but guys are this simple. a man can live without but in order to be happy he does need "some action", but now as my gf and i are apart, i can manage with jerking off, and some phone and cam;)
etf1001

United States

#11 Jun 5, 2008
josepha wrote:
<quoted text>It is not the most important thing, but, when you want to get at the other individual it is the weapon of choice. I never have heard about someone getting mad about someone meeting with another man or woman to read books and drink lattes at Barns and Noble. Marriage is about commitment alright, commitment to someone like you. Just like commitment to an asylum.
BIG LOL!! There is nothing like being dependent on another's feelings - I found that to be a nightmare. People change like the toilet paper on the roll!
Midwest guy

Westmont, IL

#12 Jun 5, 2008
My wife is perfect in every way (even if she isn't), but she doesn't want sex. I can "get some," but it never feels mutual. I've kept in shape and I'm respectful to her, so I'm pretty sure I'm physically or emotionally not turning her off. We're affectionate and playful, but just never do the deed. We have a daughter and I'll never leave because of that and due the rest of our relationship, but there's one huge, gaping and persistent void from my perspective and I'm trying to hang in and keep faithful. It's tough, but so far so good. To the men and women who do stray -- I understand.(We've been married 6 years and are in our mid-40s.)
Anne

United States

#13 Jun 5, 2008
Who are you freakin' kidding? Perhaps if these men were more in tune with their wives, and instead of putting the pressure on them try to remove some of the pressure, and adjust to their schedule, it would be more mutually satisfying. Maybe it's not that the wives do not want sex anymore, but it is simply one more thing to do on a list that goes on and on. Perhaps these "mem" should take up some of the household duties, and they would very surprised.
Rational

United States

#15 Jun 5, 2008
Anne wrote:
Who are you freakin' kidding? Perhaps if these men were more in tune with their wives, and instead of putting the pressure on them try to remove some of the pressure, and adjust to their schedule, it would be more mutually satisfying. Maybe it's not that the wives do not want sex anymore, but it is simply one more thing to do on a list that goes on and on. Perhaps these "mem" should take up some of the household duties, and they would very surprised.
Wow, that wasnt a blanket statement and a sexist comment! LOL. Blame the man without knowing. Every relationship is different. I amsure there are plenty where the men do everything they should and still aren't getting any. Lets be fair shall we?
Neo

North Chicago, IL

#16 Jun 5, 2008
"Why didnít cheryl post two of them that were basically the same, OR, for ONCE, do the flip side where the wife cheated and the husband got the divorce? Why? Because silly! That would not cast men in a bad light and Cheryl just canít have that!!"

The majority of her readers are women I'm guessing, so it's just good marketing.

Either that or shes bitter as hell from a divorce like some other columnist is this section with the same MO.
Rational

United States

#17 Jun 5, 2008
Neo wrote:
"Why didnít cheryl post two of them that were basically the same, OR, for ONCE, do the flip side where the wife cheated and the husband got the divorce? Why? Because silly! That would not cast men in a bad light and Cheryl just canít have that!!"
The majority of her readers are women I'm guessing, so it's just good marketing.
Either that or shes bitter as hell from a divorce like some other columnist is this section with the same MO.
Hey Neo!

Just because the majority are women doesnt mean that she has to BURN men every chance she can get. She can certainly burn other women at least and show good things about men so the women reading these know what qualities they SHOULD be looking for in a man.
someone

United States

#18 Jun 5, 2008
Rational wrote:
<quoted text>
Hey Neo!
Just because the majority are women doesnt mean that she has to BURN men every chance she can get. She can certainly burn other women at least and show good things about men so the women reading these know what qualities they SHOULD be looking for in a man.
That's why (even though lots of women will smack me down for it) that she is just too old to do this anymore. She's over 40, been doing this for 23 years and has never been a part of the modern day dating world. I have lots of guy friends who donít fit any of the men she routinely vilifies here. And I've known lots of downright evil women. She does not know what is going on in the _dating world_ today. And since she picks and edits the letters than come to her, she is doing it according to her own narrow filter. I really donít think she can help it.

Since: Jun 08

Oklahoma City, OK

#19 Jun 5, 2008
okay rational...I have to agree with you on this one....there are plenty of men out there that do not have as high of a sex drive as their partner.....and it can get just as frustrating for women in this situation...becuz women always take things as , am i not attractive, do i not turn u on, etc...
I was wrong

United States

#20 Jun 5, 2008
Ok...I was in a sexless marriage too...I couldn't understand why my husband wasn't interested in making love/having sex with me? It seemed to stop after the honeymoon. I put the blame on me, i.e. not attractive enough, not smart enough, blah, blah, blah. I was (and still am) in fabulous shape, am fairly attractive, and intelligent. Took care of my end of the "bargain"; worked full-time (for awhile, even supported him when he was out of work)cleaned, cooked, etc. Every time I tried to explore why he wasn't interested, he told me "all you ever think about is sex!" to which I anwered "right, because you never give it to me". He would not go to counseling, saying that I was the one with the problem. Needless to say, I took the cowards way out and ultimatley had affaires. I am ashamed of that to this day (I finally filed for divorce). I have since re-married, and thankfully, my husband knows how important intimacy is to the relationship. We are close in every way, which is what I believe a marriage should be.
josepha

Elgin, IL

#22 Jun 5, 2008
It comes down to the fact that that type of love, attention sensuality, sexuality and act can only be provided by your spouse. If not from them, then from who? I know plenty of relationships and marriages that I would not be caught dead in. They're married a long time , but, what is the quality of their relationship, their marriage? You owe it to each other to be attractive both mentally and physically. It's the passion that becomes lost and sometimes it was never there to begin with.

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