“Justice for Caylee”

Level 3

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#21 Jan 30, 2011
What women want in a man
What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

“Justice for Caylee”

Level 3

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#22 Jan 30, 2011
Warning labels for alcohol
THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

“Justice for Caylee”

Level 3

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#23 Jan 30, 2011
zero to 200
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

“Tactful & Classy”

Level 1

Since: Oct 08

at all times

#24 Feb 1, 2011
&fe ature=related

What Will We do With a Drunken Sailor

STM

“PROUD MEMBER OF THE”

Level 8

Since: Feb 09

Blue Lives Matter

#25 Feb 12, 2011
http://www.epiclosers.com/load/epic_fail/fail...

Heres a good site, theres some real funny stuff here!

“Concerning children”

Level 8

Since: Nov 09

Location hidden

#26 Feb 13, 2011
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

“Concerning children”

Level 8

Since: Nov 09

Location hidden

#27 Feb 13, 2011
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

“Concerning children”

Level 8

Since: Nov 09

Location hidden

#28 Feb 13, 2011
T'was the Night Before Implementation

Here's one for the developers out there. We can all relate!

T ‘was the nite before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).

Her resume glowed with experience so rare,
She turned out great code with a bit-pusher’s flair.

More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,
And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!

Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nites in front of a screen.

A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying her finger upon the “ENTER” key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users’ last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”

“Twofer one”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

isn't always a deal

#29 Apr 30, 2012
Grandmas watch Kim Kardashian Sex Tape.



I can just see all the grannies from the old Mother Does not Know thread doing this.

“Twofer one”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

isn't always a deal

#30 Apr 30, 2012
Female celebrities with beards.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/franklynr/23-female-c...

“Twofer one”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

isn't always a deal

#31 Apr 30, 2012
Texts from hillary clinton

http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/

“Twofer one”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

isn't always a deal

#33 May 1, 2012
A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator On A Leash

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!" The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room. Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this," He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head. "OPEN!" He says. The alligator opens his mouth. Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and whips it out. He gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw. He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" And the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk. One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!" He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow. With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars." Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet. After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, A little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."
TrannyLove

Pulaski, TN

#34 May 4, 2012
youtube.com/ninjakristinchan
Watch the 420 vid ;3 funny stuff
sankaatfriends

Adel, GA

#35 Jun 1, 2012
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was
hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

“Concerning children”

Level 8

Since: Nov 09

Location hidden

#36 Jun 1, 2012
five minute management course

----------

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....
The nun said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,'I'll give each of you
just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas,
and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,'I want
those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered:'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull.'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree' sighed the turkey,'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch....
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy... A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy...
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

“Twofer one”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

isn't always a deal

#37 Jul 15, 2012
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/15/7-un...

7 Unintentionally Sexual Optical Illusions (PHOTOS)

Level 9

Since: Sep 11

Weeki Wachee, Florida

#38 Jul 15, 2012
Guy intentionally photographs different looks and sends them to companies for jobs.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-21734...

“Twofer one”

Level 8

Since: Mar 11

isn't always a deal

#39 Jul 16, 2012
Should we all pitch in and get this for Ron?

http://www.regretsy.com/2012/07/16/eva-brown/
Go Blue

Miami, FL

#40 Jul 16, 2012
sanka wrote:
Cute baby and dog crying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =z_QC_HEwtpkXX&feature=rel ated
Funny how, as we get older, big guys like me, start crying, when i watch those videos of the soldiers coming home to their dogs and families.....thanks, got a kleenex...lol...

Level 9

Since: Sep 11

Weeki Wachee, Florida

#41 Jul 16, 2012
WAS sanka wrote:
Should we all pitch in and get this for Ron?
http://www.regretsy.com/2012/07/16/eva-brown/
I'll pitch in. That's gonna be a classic.

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