Snoring may not be only problem betwe...

Snoring may not be only problem between spouses

There are 173 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Jul 14, 2008, titled Snoring may not be only problem between spouses. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

D ear Amy: My wife insists that we sleep in separate rooms. She says I snore - and maybe I do, a little - but sleeping alone makes me feel emotionally alone.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

someone

United States

#22 Jul 15, 2008
I have the rifle shooting earplugs and my husband's snoring still gets through so I also use a pillow over my head. Once I am asleep, I can usually stay asleep.

For me though, it's not so much the loudness as it is the inconsistent pattern. If it were loud yet regular then I could fall asleep fairly easily but since there is no pattern, I can't.
KarenS

Downers Grove, IL

#23 Jul 15, 2008
What is wrong with a husband and wife having separate bedrooms? Surely we are all creative enough to think of ways they might unite for congical visits. Why can't I have some privacy in life, have my own space. Does being married force you to give that up?? I think it's just fine for spouses to have their own rooms. It's a living arrangement which could have the potential to improve the marriage.
Jason

Leavenworth, KS

#24 Jul 15, 2008
If you snore, ask your dr. to refer you to a sleep lab for a study. Snoring can cause heart problems and strokes, it can be very serious. I had one and ended up using a machine to help me breathe at night and now my spouse can sleep without any problem, and also, I feel so much more rested. You can wake up from snoring a hundred times a night and not even know it. They say that is why some people are so tired all the time.

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#25 Jul 15, 2008
Well, I agree with most -- snoring is a big issue.

The 22 year old is showing her immaturity. It's his sister! Perhaps she should take a page from her husband's book and start saying "I love you" every time they depart. It'll start feeling more comfortable to her and it's not something she'll regret saying. LIfe is too short -- make sure those you love know it.
EEE

Chicago, IL

#26 Jul 15, 2008
Dear Abby,

My husband and I have been married for six years and are very happy except for one problem.

He is abnormally close to his mother. He calls her on the phone at least once a week and goes to visit her in the nursing home the first Sunday of every month!

This is an outrageous imposition on our lives! The nerve of this woman!

How can I convince her to butt out???
someone

United States

#27 Jul 15, 2008
Okay - with Amy's craptastic answer on snoring and the pretty much craptastic advice given out on other issues regarding relationships does anyone wonder whether Amy has actually ever _been_ in a living-in-close-quarters-intim ate-relationship?

It just seems like.....she read a lot of books about relationships and has little practical experience...
Big W Cashier

Nashville, TN

#28 Jul 15, 2008
Sorry, guys. Maybe I'm a little naive, being a relative newlywed (<5 yrs). Or maybe I was raised differently. But if my husband suddenly said, "Well, you snore, so I'm going to another bedroom. No snuggling before bed. No more questions." I'd be devastated. Where were the discussions about this along the way? It's unfair to make yourself a martyr by silently suffering for years, then explode and do something drastic.(And yes, kicking your husband or yourself out of the bedroom without warning is drastic!) If it wasn't a life-altering problem two weeks ago, how is it a life-altering problem now? I would wonder about underlying issues, too. Menopause, maybe, exacerbated by a lack of emotion on her part? Is she seeing someone else on some level and ashamed to be near him at night? Nobody knows but her. And the only way to know for sure is to see a counselor and pray she opens up.

And yes, I'm married to a snorer and spend many nights listening to the rumble. And no, I wouldn't sleep apart for a million bucks. Someday we won't have the luxury of spending another night together. I'm soaking up all of the happiness I can.
EEE

Chicago, IL

#29 Jul 15, 2008
someone wrote:
Okay - with Amy's craptastic answer on snoring and the pretty much craptastic advice given out on other issues regarding relationships does anyone wonder whether Amy has actually ever _been_ in a living-in-close-quarters-intim ate-relationship?
It just seems like.....she read a lot of books about relationships and has little practical experience...
It really is bizarre. I've never lived with a guy and I feel like I make more sense than she does most of the time.

Most of my experience with cohabitation comes from watching my parents live, love, and fight together my whole life.

Maybe Amy was raised by wolves?

No... even wolves have a fairly rational society.

Maybe she was raised by sea urchins...
no freedom from snoring

Reliance, TN

#30 Jul 15, 2008
I've been with my husband for 15 years. I didn't realize how much sleep I was missing till he got moved to 3rd shift a few years ago. After 18 months, he went back to 1st shift, and I have basically moved out of the bedroom at night. The older I get, the lighter I sleep, and I have found in the last year that I can't sleep at all with him snoring. I have tried to go to bed before him and I still get woke up. Sleeping on a couch is a pain in your back, but at least I get more sleep than I was getting. Amy is off base on this one.
Susan

United States

#31 Jul 15, 2008
to wondering - your situation may be different. after years of not saying or really expressing that I love my brother I tell him every time I say goodbye after visiting and often on the phone. we recently lost our youngest brother and my parents have been gone awhile. for me, this was something taken too much for granted and not expressed. it has made a difference in our relationship and I am so thankful I finally figured this out although it is decades late. he doesn't say it to me, and that's OK, but his actions show he appreciates this. good luck.
Dienne

United States

#32 Jul 15, 2008
Big W Cashier wrote:
Sorry, guys. Maybe I'm a little naive, being a relative newlywed (<5 yrs). Or maybe I was raised differently. But if my husband suddenly said, "Well, you snore, so I'm going to another bedroom. No snuggling before bed. No more questions." I'd be devastated. Where were the discussions about this along the way? It's unfair to make yourself a martyr by silently suffering for years, then explode and do something drastic.(And yes, kicking your husband or yourself out of the bedroom without warning is drastic!) If it wasn't a life-altering problem two weeks ago, how is it a life-altering problem now? I would wonder about underlying issues, too. Menopause, maybe, exacerbated by a lack of emotion on her part? Is she seeing someone else on some level and ashamed to be near him at night? Nobody knows but her. And the only way to know for sure is to see a counselor and pray she opens up.
And yes, I'm married to a snorer and spend many nights listening to the rumble. And no, I wouldn't sleep apart for a million bucks. Someday we won't have the luxury of spending another night together. I'm soaking up all of the happiness I can.
Maybe the wife has tried to address it. After all, the LW indicates a certain amount of denial on his part ("Maybe I do, a little"). I doubt the wife would kick him out if he only snores "a little". Of course, neither of us knows for certain, but my guess would be that she tried for a long time early in the marriage (or early when the problem started if he wasn't initially a snorer) to address the problem, he wasn't receptive to anything and made it her problem. She then gave up and suffered in silence for a while and she's finally had enough. Maybe something triggered the change - like somebody suggested menopause. But in any case, now that she's discovered the bliss of a full night's sleep, she isn't going back.
Republicans R Bogus

United States

#33 Jul 15, 2008
Make love all night and the snoring will not happen. Women need to make sure that happens.
POAndrea

United States

#34 Jul 15, 2008
With apologies to Freud, sometimes a snore IS just a snore.(or at least it starts out that way and then becomes something MUCH larger.)

For me, it meant that I didn't get a decent night's sleep for the FIVE YEARS it took for me to put a bed in another room. I slept for 10 to 15 minutes a night, because I could fall asleep just that much quicker than Himself (snorer of truly EPIC proportions.)

It would be a MIRACLE if LW's wife doesn't have other "issues" considering her years of sleep deprivation. Speaking for myself, I was effin' NEUROTIC. Those five years of my life were just an exhausted, shrieking, cranky bundle of nerves; I was equally subject to irrational rages and tears; I was easily distracted and could not focus on a task for any extended period of time.(Hell--I couldn't sit down for ten minutes without nodding off!) I found it difficult to develop any empathy or real connection to other people because I was so tired and numb.(Talk about "emotional isolation"!) My body ached every day, and I had more colds and flu during those five years than in the prior three decades combined. At work, I napped for 40 minutes at lunch any day I could, and a couple times a year I would call in "sick" so I could sleep, but it just wasn't enough.

"For the sake of our marriage" I slept in the same bed. It took a car accident in which I fell asleep at the wheel (no-one else was hurt, thank G-d) for me to be able to make any changes. I was truly ecstatic to spend a week in the hospital--even with the nurses waking me every four hours it was the BEST SLEEP I'D HAD IN YEARS!

I would agree that there are other problems in the marriage--any relationship where one partner is strong-arming the other to sleep in the same bed, despite very real psychological and physical consequences, is problematic.
the dance

United States

#35 Jul 15, 2008
My sisters and I also say "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation. We've been doing it ever since we lost my younger brother to leukemia seven years ago.
But there's also not a day that goes by without me saying the same thing to my husband. Someday he (or I) will be gone, too. And I don't want that day to be the one when I didn't tell him I love him.
Mitsy

Kirksville, MO

#36 Jul 15, 2008
Big W Cashier wrote:
Sorry, guys. Maybe I'm a little naive, being a relative newlywed (<5 yrs). Or maybe I was raised differently........
And yes, I'm married to a snorer and spend many nights listening to the rumble. And no, I wouldn't sleep apart for a million bucks. Someday we won't have the luxury of spending another night together. I'm soaking up all of the happiness I can.
YES, I think you were raised differently, OR you have never endured the obvious problem of NOT getting sleep due to someone's snoring. To me, it's a no brainer. If the snorer will not seek medical help for his problem, then no one should expect the wife to stay awake all night on the principle of "happiness"...What planet are you living on anyway? I would be more than a little grouchy if I spent very many nights with someone who's "problem" didn't allow me to sleep.
Cyberist

Stamford, CT

#37 Jul 15, 2008
"Instincts tend to be fairly accurate barometers for weirdness"

Truly awesome. Where do you come up with this stuff?
TTFN

United States

#38 Jul 15, 2008
Jason wrote:
If you snore, ask your dr. to refer you to a sleep lab for a study. Snoring can cause heart problems and strokes, it can be very serious. I had one and ended up using a machine to help me breathe at night and now my spouse can sleep without any problem, and also, I feel so much more rested. You can wake up from snoring a hundred times a night and not even know it. They say that is why some people are so tired all the time.
Anyone who snores that much should participate in a sleep study. I also learned from my dentist that some people who sleep on their backs begin to snore when their slackened jaw slips backward into their neck. If it slips back far enough, the person stops breathing and then will wake up (but not even be aware of why or necessarily remember waking up when they get up in the morning).

You can get tested for this condition (I have no idea what its name is) & there's a simple device the person wears while sleeping to prevent the jaw from slipping back.
Eneyer

AOL

#39 Jul 15, 2008
I have sleep apnea and have used the machine after all the tests but it was rough. How does Darth Vader get comfortable at night? So I sleep on the couch almost every night. It is depressing and isolating but I've been told I snore (this isn't fair, I am not overweight, people with sleep apnea usually are).

Anyway, my wife gets good night's sleep and I do not. On the positive side the dogs generally stay by me. Well, not always positive, our golden gets gas that could kill Godzilla.
LadyJaye

Baltimore, MD

#40 Jul 15, 2008
The guy said that "maybe" he snores, "a little". I'm assuming that he he were a really loud snorer, his wife would have told him. Possibly he's completely ignoring her telling him he's a loud snorer, but based on what he says, the snoring isn't so catastrophic so as to put a complete end to nighttime cohabitation. They can't even share the bed for a little while, then go their separate ways! To me, sounds like she just isn't happy with having him around, and he should find out what's up.
Dienne

United States

#41 Jul 15, 2008
Eneyer wrote:
I have sleep apnea and have used the machine after all the tests but it was rough. How does Darth Vader get comfortable at night? So I sleep on the couch almost every night. It is depressing and isolating but I've been told I snore (this isn't fair, I am not overweight, people with sleep apnea usually are).
Anyway, my wife gets good night's sleep and I do not. On the positive side the dogs generally stay by me. Well, not always positive, our golden gets gas that could kill Godzilla.
You do have a way with words.

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