Snoring may not be only problem between spouses

Full story: Chicago Tribune

D ear Amy: My wife insists that we sleep in separate rooms. She says I snore - and maybe I do, a little - but sleeping alone makes me feel emotionally alone.
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1 - 20 of 173 Comments Last updated Jul 23, 2013
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Daria

United States

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#1
Jul 15, 2008
 
LW2--It's normal. He comes from a close family. Perhaps he doesn't say it to you as often because he senses your discomfort. Or maybe he's annoyed that you're suspicious of his relationship with his sister.
Dienne

United States

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#2
Jul 15, 2008
 

Judged:

1

"Snoring is a relatively easy issue to grapple with"

Okay then, Amy, please give me your all-knowing, sure-fire cures for the problem of snoring. Or tell me how easy it is to sleep through snoring. Right. Snoring "remedies" don't do a darn thing. Ear plugs help a tiny bit, but not enough to actually get decent sleep. I've nudged the poor guy practically to death, but most of the time getting him to change positions doesn't help. So please, Amy, give this couple some solid advice so they can actually sleep in the same room again.

Amy's suggestion that it must be about something more than the snoring is just asinine - she obviously has never slept with a snorer before. I love my husband dearly and there are no other "issues", but I still can't sleep in the same room with him most nights. We usually start off together, but I end up bouncing from our room to the guest room to the couch and back to our room. Sometimes he goes to the guest room. Our bed is by far the most comfortable, but not when you're sharing it with a freight train. This means that most nights one of us (usually me) doesn't get a good night's sleep, which makes us (me) cranky. I totally understand the LW's wife's need to finally get a good night's sleep.

Since: May 08

Longmeadow, MA

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#3
Jul 15, 2008
 
I suggest everyone suffering from snoring be evaluated for Sleep Apnea.
Gladys

Yorkville, IL

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#4
Jul 15, 2008
 
In my family, I'm the one who is the snorer. My sleep apnea doesn't help the situation. So, what do we do?

My husband simply tells me I'm snoring again and I turn on my side and the snoring stops.

My father was a heavy snorer and I grew up hearing that constant rumbling. In consequence, I'm adapted to it, so another person's snoring does not bother me at all.
Roxanne

Brooklyn, NY

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#5
Jul 15, 2008
 
My hubby has sleep apnea. He also had a deviated septum, which he had surgery to correct. The surgery did not put an end to the snoring. After fighting with the insurance company (they did not seem to think that it was necessary to fix my husband's sleep apnea even though he would stop breathing). He had a sleep study done and got a CPAP machine. What a difference. We can sleep in the same bed and we BOTH can sleep now. Sometimes I use ear plugs, but I am a VERY light sleeper. This was 15 years ago that we had the problems with the insurance and sleep apnea was not really heard of like it is today. You probably need to see an ear, nose and throat doctor and they should take it from there.
Cynthia

Waterford Works, NJ

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#6
Jul 15, 2008
 
I was married to a horrendous snorer. He got angry with me when, to prove my point, I recorded an hour's worth of it one day and played it back. That summer he went for two weeks with the National Guard and his snoring was so bad they kicked him out of the barracks and he had to sleep in a tent alone! They were much less tolerant than I was.

I don't know why it 'has to be about more than just snoring' when a person goes years without a decent night's sleep because someone else won't have surgery that might help the problem. It is selfish of the snorer not to be more considerate of his/her partner. The poor, sleep-deprived partner is bound to build up anger at the thought of facing yet another night of interrupted sleep.

Re the biracial situation and seeing the first grandchild will cure it all. Don't place any large wagers on it! Most people want to look into the face of their grandchild and see part of them or part of their parents in the child's face. With an interacial child this is rather unlikely.
Angelique

Portland, OR

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#7
Jul 15, 2008
 
Gladys wrote:
In my family, I'm the one who is the snorer. My sleep apnea doesn't help the situation. So, what do we do?
My husband simply tells me I'm snoring again and I turn on my side and the snoring stops.
My father was a heavy snorer and I grew up hearing that constant rumbling. In consequence, I'm adapted to it, so another person's snoring does not bother me at all.
You might try a CPAP machine.

http://medgadget.com/archives/2005/02/sleep_a...
Bee

Orlando, FL

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#8
Jul 15, 2008
 
LW3, I've noticed that the grandparents will love the grandkids, but still hate the spouse. The only way to combat it is to make sure the grandparents know they are a packaged deal. This isn't limited to just race either. Old people can hate you over anything.
Duh

United States

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#9
Jul 15, 2008
 
I know a couple where the husband is a horrible snorer. They've tried everything short of surgery (he's not a good candidate). He has his own room, but, as she says, is allowed "conjugal visits" to her room.:)
abc

New York, NY

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#10
Jul 15, 2008
 
I agree with the above comments, Amy has clearly never had to share a bedroom with a snorer. And it may be that the snoring has gotten worse as he's gotten older (especially if he's gained weight as he's gotten older) - what started out as a minor annoyance might now be registering on the Richter scale.
Toodleoo

Denver, CO

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#11
Jul 15, 2008
 
The reason Amy is saying that it's about more than the snoring is the part of the letter that says "I've tried to compromise, asking her if we could stay together for a while first before splittingóbut she will not yield, even a little." That would raise red flags with me too.
Mitsy

Kirksville, MO

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#12
Jul 15, 2008
 
I don't agree with Amy on LW1. I have been with men who have all had snoring problems. Perhaps I'm a light sleeper, but I have always known that it would be a problem if I was married to a snorer. There is simply nothing more frustrating that not getting your sleep each night due to a snorer. And contrary to what Amy seems to think, going to another bedroom as an occasional thing is not realistic. Does she really think a snorer only snores "occasionally"??? Get real. If they snore, they usually do it every time they fall asleep. It is either a sinus issue or another medical issue, but few men seem to want to go to a doctor to remedy this problem. I've heard there are surgeries and other remedies which are less drastic that will take care of the problem. If I lived with a snorer, it would be a big issue for me and might not have anything to do with any other unresolved issues. If you can't sleep, you can't sleep and that is simply not something most people can live with for very long. Personally, for the most part, I like sleeping alone.:)
GiGi

Ipswich, MA

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#13
Jul 15, 2008
 
I grew up in a house with two parents who both snored extremely loudly. They would watch TV in bed until the first one would fall asleep and start snoring, and then the other would move to a spare bedroom. I could still hear both of them snoring away, even over earplugs, a fan set to high, and one of those white noise machines. Very loud. Going on family vacations was a nightmare.

Luckily my boyfriend is a fairly light snorer and a nudge will usually get him to stop. Earplugs successfully drown the noise out.
Dienne

Chicago, IL

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#15
Jul 15, 2008
 
abc wrote:
what started out as a minor annoyance might now be registering on the Richter scale.
*snarf* That would be my husband on one of his bad nights.
suzyq

Princeton, IL

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#16
Jul 15, 2008
 
Boy Amy was way off base today - after 20 years of not sleeping, she won't compromise even a little - she already has compromised for 20 years. My hubby was a terrible snorer also and after many nights of not sleeping, your patience runs thin. The wife has probably had it up to here and doesn't want to put up with the snoring not the snorer. I wouldn't read anything else into it. She may be starting with hot flashes and now she really isn't sleeping at all - I've been there. Funny thing after almost 30 years, my husband snores only rarely, but he tells me that I have started. I just give him a sympathetic glance and laugh to myself just a little bit.
Nope

Chicago, IL

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#17
Jul 15, 2008
 
The snorer did not give any indication that the marriage was troublesome other than the sleeping situation. The combo of a light sleeper and a snorer is disasterous. A cigar sometimes is just a cigar. After 20 years of waking her up hundreds of times a night, it's time for the snorer to get over it and let his wife get some zzzzz's. Maybe they could look for shared intimacy in another way - that doesn't require 16 cups of coffee the next a.m.
EEE

Chicago, IL

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#18
Jul 15, 2008
 
Amy Amy Amy....

Snoring is a MAJOR issue. It affects the health of both the snorer and the snoree.

Lack of sleep can contribute to a number of health issues in addition to have a huge impact on mood.

My mother had back issues for years, mostly caused by her big guns (which I did NOT inherit!) and not helped by sleeping on the sofa 4 nights a week.

She's able to sleep through the night with my dad's bulldozer snoring because, after 39 years of marriage, she's stone deaf.
JBug

Milwaukee, WI

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#19
Jul 15, 2008
 
Bee wrote:
LW3, I've noticed that the grandparents will love the grandkids, but still hate the spouse. The only way to combat it is to make sure the grandparents know they are a packaged deal. This isn't limited to just race either. Old people can hate you over anything.
I agree; it's not necessarily an end to the struggle to give them grandchildren. It's likely to create more tension as they have their own ideas on how the grandchildren should be raised. While I don't believe the mother who threatened suicide would follow through, this struggle isn't going to go away. Things may get better over time, but anyone with a basic understanding of Confucian cultures knows it's not a simple issue of racism that they are dealing with.
Mary

Dekalb, IL

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#20
Jul 15, 2008
 
I love my husband very much, but his snoring keeps me from getting any sleep, so I sleep in the spare room. I've tried earplugs, but because I suffer from tinnitus, I find them hard to use. I wish he would seek treatment for his snoring, but since he won't, I sleep in the other room, or I don't sleep. I'm sure I resent the fact that he won't get treatment just as much as he resents that I can't/won't stay in bed with him.
The Truth

United States

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#21
Jul 15, 2008
 
Dienne wrote:
"Snoring is a relatively easy issue to grapple with"
Okay then, Amy, please give me your all-knowing, sure-fire cures for the problem of snoring. Or tell me how easy it is to sleep through snoring. Right. Snoring "remedies" don't do a darn thing. Ear plugs help a tiny bit, but not enough to actually get decent sleep. I've nudged the poor guy practically to death, but most of the time getting him to change positions doesn't help. So please, Amy, give this couple some solid advice so they can actually sleep in the same room again.
Amy's suggestion that it must be about something more than the snoring is just asinine - she obviously has never slept with a snorer before. I love my husband dearly and there are no other "issues", but I still can't sleep in the same room with him most nights. We usually start off together, but I end up bouncing from our room to the guest room to the couch and back to our room. Sometimes he goes to the guest room. Our bed is by far the most comfortable, but not when you're sharing it with a freight train. This means that most nights one of us (usually me) doesn't get a good night's sleep, which makes us (me) cranky. I totally understand the LW's wife's need to finally get a good night's sleep.
Dienne, thank you for saying exactly what I was going to say! My husband saws logs so loud that in order to get ANY sleep, I sleep on the couch. I work full time and go to school full time and I need sleep to function. Thankfully, my husband isnt a whiny baby like the LW.

Jeez Amy/Freud, sometimes a snore is just a snore!

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