Iím thinking about suicide and ending my own life, but I do not want to risk going to hell. Iím a Christian and I strongly believe in my Lord God, Jesus Christ. I donít want to let him down, but I want to end my life to depart from this cruel earth and enter his kingdom. However, as mentioned, the risk exists that I may go to hell for committing this act.
I have this mindset because of my anxiety disorder and the lack of opportunities for jobs. Allow me to explain. Anxiety has prevented me from maintaining a well-paid job. My work history indicates that I have had several of these employment positions due to my efforts to keep trying. I recently had to quit another similar job. Currently, I have accepted this and decided to obtain a less-stressful position.(All this involves professional office jobs due to my need to sit instead of stand for periods of time. I require this because of potential painful physical symptoms in my back, neck, and legs.)
This is the primary reason for wanting to take my own life: I have honestly and sincerely applied for literally 100ís of jobs (likely up to about a 1000 positions) with some interviews. Due to the poor job market in America and mammoth competition of unemployed people applying for the same jobs, no employers have hired me yet. Consequently, I have lost everything, cannot pay bills (months behind), and only have $18.00 to my name in the bank. Iím also about to lose my car insurance and vehicle.
Also, itís because of my anxiety itself and its effects--caused me to lose my entire career, my wife (back in 2001), and other relationships with women. I am taking medication for my anxiety, but to add to my issues, I also cannot afford the medicine anymore.
I am 43 years old, have a B.A. Degree in Public Administration from the University of Central Florida, and live in a room Iím renting through a friend who owns the home. I was forced to get food assistance and a cell phone paid by a government program because Iím so financially challenged. Things have changed for the worse as you can see.
In conclusion, I feel that I cannot endure the challenges I mentioned above anymore. Iím alone and no one shows much empathy or understanding, including my family. You know, if someone would just give me a chance in a new job, I would feel better and strive to move one. I need meaning in my life.
Winter Park (Orlando), FL