Girlfriend has packed on some pounds

Full story: Chicago Tribune

Girlfriend has packed on some pounds Not everyone can call man 'Pooh Bear' Amy Dickinson Ask Amy December 30, 2008 Dear Amy: My long-term girlfriend has gained some weight during the course of our relationship.
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yellowdoggie

Oklahoma City, OK

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#1
Dec 30, 2008
 
LW1- How much is "some" weight? How long has it taken her to gain it? If you're going to nitpick about five pounds over the course of five years, then, Buddy, get ready for the "And you're losing your hair," talk. If she has gained a lot of weight in a short time, then you are right to be concerned about her health. If you are truly concerned, and not just disgusted by the flab, she'll be able to tell it. You'd better hope your heart is pure before you have the talk.

LW2- You need to talk to this woman. She is making a fool of herself and she doesn't know it. Treat it like you would if her slip were showing or she had spinach in her teeth. With great tact and kindness, say, "You must not be aware that Pooh Bear is our secret love talk. You are embarassing my husband horribly." Now this could really backfire if she has carnal intentions toward your husband, but it would be interesting to find out, wouldn't it? By the way, I'm kidding. Sort of.

PS to Deputy: Where have you been? I've been getting outside everyday. The weather is gorgeous here.
Think

Hoffman Estates, IL

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#3
Dec 30, 2008
 
me too wrote:
LW1--I've been there, as have millions of other men. Your plight is hopeless. No matter what you say or how you say it, YOU are the bad guy.
Let's face it, she let herself go because she no longer has a reason to care about her appearance--she has you already. She is not looking anymore.
Get ready to hear : "If you REALLY loved me, it wouldn't matter..."
Statistically More men are overweight than women. You rarely hear about a wife or girlfriend complaining about their man's weight. However, men often complain about their woman's weight, even when their own waistline is expanding. Why is that? So, yes, that does make many of you "the bad guy".
Think

Hoffman Estates, IL

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#5
Dec 30, 2008
 

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me too wrote:
<quoted text>
Jeeze, how does your comment aid this guy ?
(I'll bet you are an overweight woman)
Nope. Wrong. But if I did gain a few pounds (and that could happen...we all get old eventually) I'd be pretty PO'd if my husband, who has his own little beer gut going on, said anything to criticize me. I just see my fellow women friends get too much criticism from the men in their lives who are far from perfect themselves.

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Level 1

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

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#6
Dec 30, 2008
 

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L1: Let's be honest: This isn't about her health, it's about her becoming less attractive to you. Say something. In a relationship, we have obligations to our partners, and one of those obligations is to do our best, within reason and given our circumstances (meaning, sometimes health issues cause weight gain or other physical problems), to remain as attractive as possible for our partner. Does she turn you off? Are you less interested in sex? Tell her: "You've gained some weight, and I love you, but I'm not as attracted to you because of it." She deserves to know this. Yeah, some of you are going to lay into me for that, but I stand by it, and Dan Savage has my back on this one. And he kicks Amy's butt when it comes to giving advice.

L2: Yet another letter from one adult who is unsure how to speak up to another adult on a relatively minor issue that isn't a big deal. I'm shocked. SHOCKED!

L3: That's a sweet story.$200 in 1930 is $2600 in today's dollars. I like when people don't hesitate to do the right thing, even in dire straits.
Angela

United States

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#7
Dec 30, 2008
 
yellowdoggie wrote:
LW1- How much is "some" weight? How long has it taken her to gain it? If you're going to nitpick about five pounds over the course of five years, then, Buddy, get ready for the "And you're losing your hair," talk. If she has gained a lot of weight in a short time, then you are right to be concerned about her health.
Good clarification, yd. I agree--if she's put on 5, 10 pounds, then that's not the same as putting on 40 or 50.
Angela

United States

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#8
Dec 30, 2008
 
Weird--my response didn't "take" -- I'd repost it, but in the past, I've had a post show up as much as an HOUR after I posted it. Does that happen to anyone else?
Kay

Ormond Beach, FL

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#9
Dec 30, 2008
 
L1: If this is only about 5 or 10 pounds she needs to leave his sorry self but if it is 5 or 10 pounds a year and now she is getting bigger and bigger it is really a problem and affects both of them. If it is about her health he is justified in helping her lose it and yes it does affect him also. If they try and get health insurance or life insurance they will pay higher rates and if they have kids someday her weight issues will transfer to the kids. If she keeps the weight on she will have health issues and joint issues that will affect them both in the future. He needs to decide if her weight is worth it or her lack of healthy habits is something he can live with.
Gary

Barrington, IL

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#10
Dec 30, 2008
 
In the past, I've had some weight-gain cycles. I knew it, didn't like it, but wasn't motivated enough to change things. The only things that did were admonitions from either my wife, or my mother! While hearing that initially stung, the message from close family is what motivated me to action. So of course, I thank them for that.

If you're overweight, I say it's an obligation for family & friends close to you to bring this up. And if they do, don't shoot the messenger. Use that kick-in-the-pants message as positive motivation, not defensiveness and withdrawal.
Gloria

Brookfield, WI

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#12
Dec 30, 2008
 
LW1: I agree w/ the other posters who wondered just how much weight she had gained. If his initial comment on the subject was not well recieved, I doubt that tricking her into healthy activities will work.

LW2: Get over it. Your nickname is stupid and emasculating anyways.
BAW

Charleston, WV

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#13
Dec 30, 2008
 
LW1, why don't you buy a tandem bicycle and use it as your primary transportation for going places together? You and your "Daisy Bell" will find the weight falling off both of you.
Mia

Chicago, IL

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#14
Dec 30, 2008
 
LW1 - in my experience, 100% of the time concern about a lover's weight gain has nothing to do with health. You prefer a lover with a flat tummy, firm butt and lean legs who looks good on your arm. Have you tried being honest with her?

In any case, it is not up to you to turn her life into a weight-loss bootcamp, so just continue to bully her with oblique references to the link between mental/physical health and a smokin hot body.

LW2 - You and your husband have to live with this. There is no way to make the woman stop. Since you are not yet old enough to use your words, you are stuck.
Angela

United States

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#17
Dec 30, 2008
 

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Mia wrote:
so just continue to bully her with oblique references to the link between mental/physical health and a smokin hot body.
A few years ago, I was dating a guy who was into body building. I am rather petite, but I enjoy weight training as well, and I stay very active with sports. We were lying naked in bed, watching TV afterwards ;) and he said to me: "You know, if you lost 10 pounds, you'd have one hell of a hot body."

Gotta love the brutal honesty. But I didn't have 10 pounds to lose. But I lost 190 pounds very quickly.
JoJo

United States

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#18
Dec 30, 2008
 
Mia, you are so right. Every time a guy writes to an advice columnist because his girlfriend is ballooning, it's never because he's worried about her health. Please, guys, just grow a backbone and admit you hate how she looks - it's nothing to be ashamed of. Oatmeal butt and a muffin top DON'T look good. You can stop pretending it's her health you're concerned about.

The good news is, unless she totally speed-eats the donuts, it actually takes less time to lose weight than it does to put it on. I go on a diet every year and take off ten pounds. It takes me all year to put it on, and only two months to take it off. Getting down to fighting weight is my annual winter project, and I don't even mind it. Fitday.com or something similar will help her get started.

Question for these guys, though - if she gets too fat and you decide to dump her because you're no longer attracted to her, are YOU hot enough to get a woman you DO find attractive?
E E E

Chicago, IL

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#19
Dec 30, 2008
 
Grrrr! Stoopid Trib.

LW1 honestly sounds concerned (to me, at least) and seems to want to know how to approach his gf in a respectful and helpful way.

But the headline the Trib slapped on this letter is atrocious and makes the man sound like a jerk before we even read the column.

Blech.

“Choo-Choo!”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin

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#21
Dec 30, 2008
 
Mia, as always, you are right and you cracked me up with your response to LW2.

I noted that while LW1 said his girlfriend had "gained some weight," but the headline said she had "packed on some pounds." So, despite what HIS motivation might be, what kind of motivation does the Tribune staff have to publish this headline? What an editorial statement.
Angela

United States

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#22
Dec 30, 2008
 
Redheadedme wrote:
Mia, as always, you are right and you cracked me up with your response to LW2.
I noted that while LW1 said his girlfriend had "gained some weight," but the headline said she had "packed on some pounds." So, despite what HIS motivation might be, what kind of motivation does the Tribune staff have to publish this headline? What an editorial statement.
I find that the headline from Amy's column often does this. C'mon people, even an entry-level copywriter should be able to write a decent headline!
dtowncondoowner

Griffith, IN

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#24
Dec 30, 2008
 
As a bodybuilder myself, I only date women who are physically active. Many times it is I who puts a few pounds on (+10 lbs) during my bulks and they have no problem whatsoever reminding me how good I look when I am leaner.

It's great motivation.
Lillia

United States

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#25
Dec 30, 2008
 
Buy a ton of vegetables and fish and a little brown rice and other whole grains; and,cook smaller portions. Eat Right for Your Bloodtype by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo helps; I lost twenty pounds doing that right away. Lay off the junk foods together. Don't allow them in the house, and don't sabotage her diet by eating ribs and french fries in front of her. Praise her when she makes a healty meal and you do some of the cooking and clean up also.

Go for a walk or hoola hoop after dinner. Put on heavy boots and do leg lifts and crunches in the morning for a few minutes, then more later. Put a bike on a trainer, Minoura Mag 850 is my favorite. When driving squeeze your arms, abs, legs, glutes; just tighten, breathe and release. It gets easier after several times. You will be surprised how all this ads up.

Make your own protein bars with equal parts processed rolled oats, protein powder, nut butter; then add dried fruit, honey, cacao nibs, nuts making a dough, then cut out and refrigerate and eat one between meals for a low calorie high protein snack, instead of a candy bars and soda, keeping the blood sugar level. Make healthy choices together. Use small salad plates for dinner. Keep a large salad ready to eat in the fridge in a steel container at all times, or premade frittatas made in cupcake or muffin tins with eggwhites, artichoke hearts, salmon and Bruce Aidell Sundried Tomatoe Sausage, chopped frozen collard greens, and a mixture of cottage cheese, feta, locatelli romano, put on top at the last five minutes.

Cook together ahead for the week, and then take healthy meals to work. Pretend you are doing one of the portion control mail order diets, only do it yourself. Think of weight loss as a challenge in need of a solution, and remove the drama. Diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, arthritis is very expensive. What you spend on a healthy way of life, you save on health care later. Best wishes, you CAN do this! Just plan ahead.

Stay away from snacking on carbs, drink green tea or water, and don't eat late. Do deep breathing whenever you think about it. Even that burns tons of calories and fat. Be happy and grateful, you don't live in Iraq or Afghanistan. Help others. Pray together. Weight loss is doable compared to brain injuries or genetic issues.

If we medicate ourselves with food because some other trauma drama is bothering us, then we subconsciously create a distraction. Deal with the trauma drama and move on. Don't eat yourself into another problem. Grab the bull by the horns and live life as best as you can. Everybody has something negative going on in their life, don't let it define or destroy you. Strive, accomplish, conquer, live, love, laugh. God bless us all...
Reality

Winter Haven, FL

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#26
Dec 30, 2008
 
Tape a Hostess Cake to the trunk of the car and drive around the block 10 times per day.

“"Wilson" model in "Cast Away"”

Since: Dec 08

United States

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#27
Dec 30, 2008
 
LW1: If you two have been together for a long time, odds are that you've gained a few pounds, lost some hair, gained some hair in places,(ears, nostrils), that wasn't visible before and perhaps aren't as aware of your personal hygiene as you used to be.
In that spirit, maybe it's time YOU start changing some of your old habits- and yes, encourage her to join you. But, don't mention her weight or she will likely be offended and share her own observations on the changes in your body parts and habits.

LW2: This woman is obnoxious, foreign or not. Then you mention she acts superior. I am afraid I'd offend her by taking her aside the next time she mentions "Pooky Bear" and tell her in no uncertain terms that she's to call him Tom. With other friends, if they mention it,(doubtful), correct them with "his name is Tom." She sounds JEALOUS of your relationship and she is totally out of line.

LW3: Heartwarming story. All the right things were done and yes, your mom reaped the rewards with a clear conscience.

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