Husband's depression has left wife wi...

Husband's depression has left wife with some tough decisions

There are 80 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Jun 27, 2008, titled Husband's depression has left wife with some tough decisions. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

D ear Amy: I have been married for 11 years. My husband suffers from severe, seasonal depression, for which he refuses to seek treatment because "there is nothing they can do." It is difficult for the rest of ...

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Alan

United States

#1 Jun 28, 2008
In your response to "Perplexed" you comment on how both etiquette and language evolve. However, I do not believe language has evolved to the point where the noun "any" has become singular. Your sentence should have read, "Any of these choices is 'correct.'"
Daria

Garden City, MI

#2 Jun 28, 2008
A person in the grips of depression may be unable to make even a simple decision. LW1 should go, herself, to a doctor that specializes in SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and find out exactly what treatments are available for her husband. Then she sits down with him and says, "Here is what you must do, for your own recovery, and for our marriage. I will walk you through every step. I love you."

Other than that, she can only think of herself, and how his behavior is affecting her own mental health, and go from there. I feel for her!
What-U-Say

United States

#3 Jun 28, 2008
Leave the mope. If he don't want to seek help, help yourself out the door and enjoy the rest of your life, 11 years is enough time to decide you have had enough.

“Hi! I'm no longer here. ”

Level 2

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#4 Jun 28, 2008
It's one thing to support a spouse that has a mental illness(my husband has bipolar), but it is entirely another for that spouse to expect you to let them walk in and out of your family. That's just not fair to you or your children. I don't see how him moving out can be helpful to his depression either.
robin

Chicago, IL

#7 Jun 28, 2008
Alan wrote:
I do not believe language has evolved to the point where the noun "any" has become singular. Your sentence should have read, "Any of these choices is 'correct.'"
And your correction is incorrect. "Any" is singular, which is why "any is" is correct. ;-P
seeking

Thomaston, GA

#8 Jun 28, 2008
Install full-spectrum light bulbs throughout the house.

This should help somewhat.
Polarity

Washington, DC

#9 Jun 28, 2008
A cautionary note for women who might don't like the "Mrs. Robert Smith" construct. You're certainly welcome to call yourself whatever you like.

But as LW2's letter shows, if you call yourself "Mrs. Jane Smith", at least a segment of the population will conclude you are widowed or divorced.

Such ambiguity is probably not what you intended, and to prevent accidental confusion, you may wish to choose another construct such as "Ms. Jane Smith" or "Jane Smith", or "Dr. Jane Smith", or whatever appeals to you most.
Ashley

Bogota, NJ

#11 Jun 28, 2008
Polarity wrote:
A cautionary note for women who might don't like the "Mrs. Robert Smith" construct. You're certainly welcome to call yourself whatever you like.
But as LW2's letter shows, if you call yourself "Mrs. Jane Smith", at least a segment of the population will conclude you are widowed or divorced.
Such ambiguity is probably not what you intended, and to prevent accidental confusion, you may wish to choose another construct such as "Ms. Jane Smith" or "Jane Smith", or "Dr. Jane Smith", or whatever appeals to you most.
Actually, Polarity, I think Amy's response shows that the thinking is changing. They no longer teach that info nowadays. Hell, they no longer even teach people how to be polite or writer letters, but that's beside the point.

So I think the future people will refer to someone as they would actually like to be called.
Ashley

Bogota, NJ

#12 Jun 28, 2008
Ashley wrote:
Reading the letter regarding what people call a married woman makes me a little sad. I'm keeping my maiden name when I marry and I plan to quickly snip it in the bud whenever anyone tries to call me anything else.
Just because I chose to make my commitment formal and legal doesn't mean I give up a huge part of who I am as a person.
And for the homophobe, it's unreal to me that people still think homosexuality is a choice. I mean seriously?
I can't believe they blurred out homo of homosexual and phobe!
OICUR12

Delray Beach, FL

#14 Jun 28, 2008
This guy is Manic! Medication will help!
More Than Depressed

Elmhurst, NY

#17 Jun 28, 2008
This woman's husband is suffering from bipolar disorder, as evidenced by his large purchases, which are a symptom of mania. She should get him to a psychopharmacologist as soon as possible. If he's not willing to do it, then she either needs to make it a condition of staying married, trick him about their destination and get him there, or stage a family intervention.

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#18 Jun 28, 2008
OICUR12 wrote:
This guy is Manic! Medication will help!
Okay! I thought right away he's probably bipolar, but I am not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist so what do I know. Large purchases? Walking out on the family from time to time? Screams bipolar to me. The SAD people I've known don't exhibit these symptoms -- and yes I think this is a symptom of his illness. I'm amazed that the wife doesn't see this as all part of it and is separating everything -- but I can understand that this must be making a huge toll on her. She probably is reaching out for support and doesn't know quite how to do that. If she sees a professional for herself on how to cope this will probably help her and him in the long run. I can only imagine the difficulties she faces everyday.

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#19 Jun 28, 2008
More Than Depressed wrote:
This woman's husband is suffering from bipolar disorder, as evidenced by his large purchases, which are a symptom of mania. She should get him to a psychopharmacologist as soon as possible. If he's not willing to do it, then she either needs to make it a condition of staying married, trick him about their destination and get him there, or stage a family intervention.
Didn't see your post until after I posted. Why is it so obvious to us by Amy totally misses it?
Stephanie

Lombard, IL

#20 Jun 28, 2008
Terri at home wrote:
<quoted text>
Didn't see your post until after I posted. Why is it so obvious to us by Amy totally misses it?
Maybe Amy didn't miss it but figured that since she is neither a physician nor psychiatrist nor psychologist she is not qualified to diagnose someone through a third party's description.
Next Opinion

Athens, TN

#21 Jun 28, 2008
Wow, After 10 years of working in mental health and reading the first letter the only thing that I can think of is that is so much more then just depression. As Terri and someone else said maybe Bi-Polar. He does, from her letter seem to be "swinging" from one end to the other. There usually is no way to "force" treatment on someone unless they become a danger to themselves or others. I'm not shocked that Amy didn't even hint at this in her response. She hasn't been exactly wonderful lately in the response departmet (better then Cheryl though) LW 1 should attempt to talk to her husband and encourage him to talk to his regular doctor to start about this problem, perhaps during his yearly physical. Just to get the ball rolling, then he can be referred to more intensive treatment if necessary. I wish her luck, my mom is bi-polar and at times very hard to live with.
Been there

United States

#22 Jun 28, 2008
As someone who has gone through depression, during my low perions I do tend to isolate myself or spend time doing solitary activities because I don't want to put my loved ones through any more grief than they've already been through with me. So I can kind of understand this man's mindset. Never contemplated moving out, though.

But making large purchases without input from one's spouse? Sounds self-centered to me.
Been there

United States

#23 Jun 28, 2008
Correction: I meant to say "low periods."
Been there

United States

#24 Jun 28, 2008
Ashley wrote:
<quoted text>
Actually, Polarity, I think Amy's response shows that the thinking is changing. They no longer teach that info nowadays. Hell, they no longer even teach people how to be polite or writer letters, but that's beside the point.
So I think the future people will refer to someone as they would actually like to be called.
Times have changed
And we've often rewound the clock
Since the Puritans got a shock
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
But today, any shock they should try to stand,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now, heaven knows, anything goes

Good authors too who once knew better words
Now only use four letter words writing
prose
Anything goes

The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today
And black's white today
And day's night today
When most guys today that women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
Daria

Ypsilanti, MI

#26 Jun 28, 2008
CTSadNative wrote:
<quoted text>
There is a real reason that women took their husbands name: it showed other men they were not single and available. This especially now they are working and doing everything that traditionally men did. Sounds to me like a big ego trip so she can continue to flirt and get propositioned by men! Oh, and if He doesn't like it - just divorce!
My goodness, CT. How would other men know whether a woman was married or not by her last name? Unless they were personally acquainted with her husband or his family, that is.....in which case it's a moot point. I would think the ring would be a better clue to marital status.
Stephanie

Lombard, IL

#27 Jun 28, 2008
CTSadNative wrote:
<quoted text>
There is a real reason that women took their husbands name: it showed other men they were not single and available. This especially now they are working and doing everything that traditionally men did. Sounds to me like a big ego trip so she can continue to flirt and get propositioned by men! Oh, and if He doesn't like it - just divorce!
Oh those nasty women who are gainfully employed instead of staying home and taking care of their man! What century are you in? Why must a woman give up her identity by marriage? Isn't her lineage important too? Oh, that's right - she's just a chattel.

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