Wife still in love, but husband's hea...

Wife still in love, but husband's health issues have hurt sex life

There are 240 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Jun 22, 2008, titled Wife still in love, but husband's health issues have hurt sex life. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

D ear Cheryl : I'm a 42-year-old woman. I've been married to my husband, who's 58, for 16 years.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

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Polly

Sheffield, UK

#228 Jul 25, 2008
Kathryn wrote:
I am beyond appalled that anyone would suggest an affair is an appropiate solution to any problem. I find it disgusting, and just one example what is wrong with so many people today, to think that there is every an excuse to step out on the one you vowed to love until the day you die. I am only 20 year old, and I find it so unnerving and repulsive that this is "advice" given. What next? Telling girls to have sex with their boyfriends to keep them around? My dad cheated on my mom because he felt he wasn't getting what he needed at home. This has led to so many personal issues for both me and my brother, and so many questions that are unanswered, and never will be. If she feels that sex is the only reason her marriage is failing, maybe she has more problems on her hands than she thinks. Sex is not all there is to a marriage.Don't you think that maybe she should try therapy first to see if talking it out would help? I am relieved that she states she would not cheat because she made that mistake before, but your "advice" is the worst I have ever heard. That frame of mind is the problem with society today, and why divorce rates are so high. I am disgusted by someone who ever has an excuse for cheating. I won't ever believe any excuse my father gives, although I still love him no matter what. If you are so adamant that cheating is the right thing, then have enough decency to tell the person you are married to that you no longer have respect for them, or for yourself.
Well said, Kathryn!
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#229 Jul 25, 2008
Polly wrote:
<quoted text>
Well said, Kathryn!
Rather prim and proper and old fashioned. Almost Victorian in the prudishness. It is the 21st century. Have you learnt nothing from the French?
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#230 Jul 25, 2008
Polly wrote:
<quoted text>
What a destructive and callous point of view you have - extramaritals are NEVER acceptable unless a husband is deliberately mistreating or abusing his wife in some way. She could find others ways of obtaining sexual satisfaction without involving another person. She might also think about bitterly wounding his dignity and the love he still feels for her (and she for him). I was once propositioned by a man for sex, because his wife was disabled-I soon gave him short shrift!
How unkind! What would it have cost you to give him a hand? Nothing! And imagine the good you would have done! You are plain selfish and would not give a thirsty man a drink in the desert!
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#231 Jul 25, 2008
Polly wrote:
Because the love of a good man is not easy to find.
Love and lust are two completely different things, which can exist mutually exclusively. Lust is like being thirsty.
Polly

UK

#232 Jul 25, 2008
Bee wrote:
If it were me with those feelings, I would ask for an open marriage. If he said no, I would just divorce him and move on. You can still be friends.
Be a lot more difficult if you really loved him, tho' wouldn't it?
Polly

UK

#233 Jul 25, 2008
Allan wrote:
<quoted text>
Love and lust are two completely different things, which can exist mutually exclusively. Lust is like being thirsty.
Allan: thank you for your comments! Well, taking them in turn- 1. My mother was French, I was partly brought up there,I speak fluent French and am a very sensual person who loves sex with the right person; I am NOT condemning anyone for their sexual predilictions-whether homo,hetero,swinging, etc.- I just hold that if you truly love a person, that includes respecting their feelings,and coming to terms with your own= I say this because I had a similar experience to this lady and,because of the love we shared, I simply could not have strayed-I could not have lived with my conscience. However, I DO concede that this lady is younger than I was in a similar situation- so, of course, it's tough for her and my heart truly goes out to her. She says she'll never be unfaithful & love him 'till he dies (which may not be forever). On the other hand, life is passing her by. Although, if they are that close, her husband will sense that she is having an affair and will be profoundly hurt by it, even tho' he, if he loves her as much as she loves him,will never mention it.(& what if it were she in his position?) It's a tough call, but only SHE can make the decision-and when she does, it will be the right one, since she made it,(not us). 2. If lust is thirst, what is love?(Many cannot tell the difference?!) 3. Of course I would certainly give a thirsty man a drink...but your analogy refers to a life or death situation,and,(a) I am not a tart (which he wanted to use me as-just as you use a urinal to piss in)..and.(b) most importantly, I knew that somewhere in a dingy flat, there was an innocent, disabled and powerless little woman who probably knew her husband was out looking for sex- I was not prepared to contribute to hurting her - even if unknown. This sort of thing was prevalent in the Victorian era of which you spoke-men went out to do what they wanted, while the little woman suffered in silence. I assure you, I'm no feminist;but these are the real Victorian 'values' Allan.
Mourninggirl

Feasterville Trevose, PA

#234 Jul 25, 2008
To those who think that a vibrator can possibly replace a man: I feel sorry for you.

I am in a sexless marriage. It's horrible. You holier than thou types who are NOT in a sexless marriage have no idea how depressing the situation is. How lonely one becomes. The man is depressed enough about his condition, may refuse to talk about it (let's pretend the problem doesn't exist)- can't wound his ego, can't hurt his feelings meanwhile I die a little more every day. HE REFUSES ANY KIND OF HELP. To him, it's a non issue. In addition, he will not involve himself in ANY activity which can LEAD to sex - no romantic dinners, not even a glass of wine. I won't have an affair - that's just wrong - but those of you who do not understand the pain should shut the @#*$&#* up.
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#235 Jul 26, 2008
Repeat: I STILL THINK THE ADVICE IS SENSIBLE. In other cultures, such as the French in France, it is socially acceptable for a married person to take a discreet lover. This would satisfy everyone's needs with a minimum of disruption. This woman obviously has a very great need for sex with a man, not merely an orgasm, which she could get from masturbation, but a good f*cking. Without it, she is becoming unbalanced and bordering on insanity. She will probably wear out a number of male lovers in the first few sessions she has with all her pent-up sexual tension--she is like a very tightly coiled spring waiting to be released. Perhaps she might even consider getting a job involving her need for fulfilment so she can solve the family's finances at the same time? I would have thought that women would have been more sympathetic to this women. Can they not understand the deep need this poor woman has and the agony and despair she has as her youth slips away and her sexual fires burnt hotter and hotter with no one to put out the flames? Show her some compassion! Sex toys won't do the job. She wants to be taken--you know what that is like! Toys are not a substitute in that instance
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#236 Jul 26, 2008
Mourninggirl wrote:
To those who think that a vibrator can possibly replace a man: I feel sorry for you.
I am in a sexless marriage. It's horrible. You holier than thou types who are NOT in a sexless marriage have no idea how depressing the situation is. How lonely one becomes. The man is depressed enough about his condition, may refuse to talk about it (let's pretend the problem doesn't exist)- can't wound his ego, can't hurt his feelings meanwhile I die a little more every day. HE REFUSES ANY KIND OF HELP. To him, it's a non issue. In addition, he will not involve himself in ANY activity which can LEAD to sex - no romantic dinners, not even a glass of wine. I won't have an affair - that's just wrong - but those of you who do not understand the pain should shut the @#*$&#* up.
This woman wants to feel a man looking at her with lust and desire. She wants to feel wanted and desired. She wants to be hugged and taken. She has a human need. No toy or masturbation act can take the place of the anticipation and act of being taken. I would have thought that women could relate to this poor woman's deep need. Women can be very cruel to each other.
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#237 Jul 26, 2008
Mourninggirl wrote:
To those who think that a vibrator can possibly replace a man: I feel sorry for you.
I am in a sexless marriage. It's horrible. You holier than thou types who are NOT in a sexless marriage have no idea how depressing the situation is. How lonely one becomes. The man is depressed enough about his condition, may refuse to talk about it (let's pretend the problem doesn't exist)- can't wound his ego, can't hurt his feelings meanwhile I die a little more every day. HE REFUSES ANY KIND OF HELP. To him, it's a non issue. In addition, he will not involve himself in ANY activity which can LEAD to sex - no romantic dinners, not even a glass of wine. I won't have an affair - that's just wrong - but those of you who do not understand the pain should shut the @#*$&#* up.
I bet most women know what it is like to be really really aroused and in need of a good rutting! They probably blush at the thought.
Allan

Woodbridge, Canada

#238 Jul 26, 2008
Polly wrote:
<quoted text>
Allan: thank you for your comments! Well, taking them in turn- 1. My mother was French, I was partly brought up there,I speak fluent French and am a very sensual person who loves sex with the right person; I am NOT condemning anyone for their sexual predilictions-whether homo,hetero,swinging, etc.- I just hold that if you truly love a person, that includes respecting their feelings,and coming to terms with your own= I say this because I had a similar experience to this lady and,because of the love we shared, I simply could not have strayed-I could not have lived with my conscience. However, I DO concede that this lady is younger than I was in a similar situation- so, of course, it's tough for her and my heart truly goes out to her. She says she'll never be unfaithful & love him 'till he dies (which may not be forever). On the other hand, life is passing her by. Although, if they are that close, her husband will sense that she is having an affair and will be profoundly hurt by it, even tho' he, if he loves her as much as she loves him,will never mention it.(& what if it were she in his position?) It's a tough call, but only SHE can make the decision-and when she does, it will be the right one, since she made it,(not us). 2. If lust is thirst, what is love?(Many cannot tell the difference?!) 3. Of course I would certainly give a thirsty man a drink...but your analogy refers to a life or death situation,and,(a) I am not a tart (which he wanted to use me as-just as you use a urinal to piss in)..and.(b) most importantly, I knew that somewhere in a dingy flat, there was an innocent, disabled and powerless little woman who probably knew her husband was out looking for sex- I was not prepared to contribute to hurting her - even if unknown. This sort of thing was prevalent in the Victorian era of which you spoke-men went out to do what they wanted, while the little woman suffered in silence. I assure you, I'm no feminist;but these are the real Victorian 'values' Allan.
Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed reply. It was more than one could hope for, most of the time.

I agree that each person makes their own choices, regardless of what anyone says. In a marriage/relationship, there is more than one person involved and one person might well try to impose their wishes on their partner, either explicitly or implicitly. I think both partners do have choices, independent of each other.

In my opinion, there is a physiological need for sexual release, quite separate from emotional needs or desires for love. Orgasms are good for prostates and vaginas and mental well-being. Of course masturbation is the primary means to orgasm for many people, taking the total lifespan into account. During relationships, orgasms are often part of a sex life with a partner, but masturbation amongst people in relationships, including married ones, is still common.

Masturbation can be unsatisfying without the occasional physical touch of another person. This is not about love or a relationship, but a passing psychosocialsexual erotic encounter.

Would it have been so bad to use your hand to satisfy this poor man so he could get back to his wife, satisfied after getting off? Or for the long-suffering women posting here to have a man satisfy them in an hour or two of dallying so they can get back to their husbands and continue to take care of them, having been relieved of their sexual tension? With discretion, what is so bad about that?
Girl

Seattle, WA

#240 Jul 26, 2008
Why is she complaining? If she straps a rigid vibrating plastic dick to his balls, she could have a sexual experience as good as the real thing!
Polly

Sheffield, UK

#241 Jul 27, 2008
suzyq wrote:
One aspect that no one brings up is the age difference. If any one is contemplating marrying someone 16 years older than them, you better give some serious thought to the changes that will occur for both of you at different times. You will find very few honest men who will not admit that sex (the act itself not the desire), isn't more difficult and unpredictable at 58 than at 42. And at 58 this man is likely to have been brought up in a time when you would as soon cut out your tongue as babble to some therapist about erectile dysfunction. The only men I see talking happily about Viagra are on commercials. And with multiple health problems, he may be completely unable and embarassed and ashamed. You did marry for better or worse and in sickness and in health - unfortunately with a partner 16 yrs your senior, you have to deal with these issues at a time when you are rarin to go.
Well said, intelligent & thoughtful comment,suzyqu
Polly

Sheffield, UK

#242 Jul 27, 2008
Allan wrote:
<quoted text>
Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed reply. It was more than one could hope for, most of the time.
I agree that each person makes their own choices, regardless of what anyone says. In a marriage/relationship, there is more than one person involved and one person might well try to impose their wishes on their partner, either explicitly or implicitly. I think both partners do have choices, independent of each other.
In my opinion, there is a physiological need for sexual release, quite separate from emotional needs or desires for love. Orgasms are good for prostates and vaginas and mental well-being. Of course masturbation is the primary means to orgasm for many people, taking the total lifespan into account. During relationships, orgasms are often part of a sex life with a partner, but masturbation amongst people in relationships, including married ones, is still common.
Masturbation can be unsatisfying without the occasional physical touch of another person. This is not about love or a relationship, but a passing psychosocialsexual erotic encounter.
Would it have been so bad to use your hand to satisfy this poor man so he could get back to his wife, satisfied after getting off? Or for the long-suffering women posting here to have a man satisfy them in an hour or two of dallying so they can get back to their husbands and continue to take care of them, having been relieved of their sexual tension? With discretion, what is so bad about that?
Dear Allan, thank you for your equally thoughtful reply! well, I agree with pretty well everything you said you felt, but I admit to having some difficulty with your'punch-line', i.e.,the concluding paragraph;which is why I'm sitting here in the study, rather than in thegarden sipping a glass of cool wine. During my married life -and it's a little difficult to say this,even now- I both cheated and was cheated on. Either way,it's rotten,whatever the reasons we used at the time to justify ourselves. In my secondchance for happiness, my partner developed cancer(after 9 years of a truly loving relationship) and- altho' it was not as protracted in time as this lady's situation- I just cuoldn't have contemplated cheating- I'd learned my lesson before,you see. I was devoted, as this lady is, to my partner. What if the situation had persisted for years? I really don't know- I am not going to pretend that I wouldn't have eventually 'found a quick fix', that I would have been an angel of vitue-I simply, honestly,don't know, Allan. I CAN identify with this lady's needs, however, which is why I would not be so arrogant as to suggest to her what she SHOULD do;only she knows what she COULD do. Believe me, I DO so understand her dilemma and certainly would NOT morally condemn her if she were to take a discreet lover;that is not my,nor anyone else's right to do so (except her husband's). All I can say is that,like you,this is just my opinion; I understand what you mean about the provision of sexual services as an 'act of kindness' or mercy (usually expected of women, let's admit this!) but , for me, it all depends upon the circumstances; the man I am talking about had only known me for less than an hour,then cornered me on the stairway down from the bar toilets-(ot very discreet, or respectful,mmm?) At least he could have seen me a few times,spent time talkingtogether,etc-perhaps then, after knowing him a little better, I might have been more empathic. I'm going for that glass of wine now, Allan -good to chat to you!
Polly

Sheffield, UK

#243 Jul 27, 2008
By the way, folks, let's not forget that the debate started as a criticism of Cherly Lavin's advice - not about the lady in the situation per se!

Ms, Lanvin does, in my opinion, make a number of good points: 1. The age young age that 'trapped' is.
2. Extramaritals are,intrinsically,'bad'.
3. There are good reasons for infidelity (in this particular case).
4. No one has the right to condemn this lady (except,perhaps, her husband)
5.This ladys' problems do not have an 'ideal solution'.

Let's all wish her luck, shouldn't we?
john paul onyango

Nairobi, Kenya

#245 Aug 9, 2008
link me with cheryl am in love and i can
John

Chicago, IL

#246 Sep 12, 2008
If all you want is physical stimulation. Have you tried stimulating yourself? If it helps, you can use erotica to help you imagine a partner. That way you wouldn't be cheating.

The other thing you can try is if your husband is handling the other things in the house, I expect that he still has some mobility. What is your definition of sex? Could he pleasure you orally?

Maybe you just need to change your perspective and broaden your definition of sex.
Charleton Heston

São Paulo, Brazil

#247 Sep 17, 2008
Kick this lame *** to the curb and find someone else to rock your world. Wake up, this love and fidelity crap is way over rated. I say, love the one you're with. Life's is short, do what you want.
CONFUSED HUSBAND

Bellmawr, NJ

#248 Aug 15, 2014
My problems started after my wife had a car crash and spent time in a hospital.When she came she acted different.We are both are in our 60s and in good shape and my wife is always been taken for much younger.We have had a pretty good sex life but nothing special once a week same way all the time.But after the crash she has changed and acts and dresses different.One saturday morning she woke me up buy giving me a bj.Some thing she has never done in all the years married.When asked she said she just wanted to do it but did not know why.This would happen a lot at different times of the day.I came home one day from shopping there at the door she stood in a bright red corset black stockings and heels and a clean shaved clit.None of these things i have ever seen before let alone her shaved clit.She told me she wanted me to screw her now.I was shocked but more then happy to do it.Things like this happened all the time sexy clothes stockings garter belts crotch less pantie hose.Short dresses skirts low cut tops no panties or bras and tight leggins and always heels.Dont get me wrong i love it all but i cant satisfy her needs now.And she wants sex all the time more and more.I have taken to buy her some sex toys but she says she wants the real thing.She has said she wants more sex then i can give her.One saturday she came down dressed in a very short skirt crotch less black pantie hose low cut tight blouse no bra and heels.She said she was going shopping with her girlfriends.Well i followed her and she went to the park parked her car and walked in to the park.So in in went and there she was with a group of men.She had removed her top and skirt and was down on her knees giving bjs to start things off.Whit that done she straddle one men and put his di5K in her clit and one in her butt and she sucked on another.After she came home i asked her how many men she did in the park.Her answer today or all togerther how many.I said all together she said i am not sure many be 20 or more.

Since: May 14

Location hidden

#249 Aug 15, 2014
CONFUSED HUSBAND wrote:
My problems started after my wife had a car crash and spent time in a hospital.When she came she acted different.We are both are in our 60s and in good shape and my wife is always been taken for much younger.We have had a pretty good sex life but nothing special once a week same way all the time.But after the crash she has changed and acts and dresses different.One saturday morning she woke me up buy giving me a bj.Some thing she has never done in all the years married.When asked she said she just wanted to do it but did not know why.This would happen a lot at different times of the day.I came home one day from shopping there at the door she stood in a bright red corset black stockings and heels and a clean shaved clit.None of these things i have ever seen before let alone her shaved clit.She told me she wanted me to screw her now.I was shocked but more then happy to do it.Things like this happened all the time sexy clothes stockings garter belts crotch less pantie hose.Short dresses skirts low cut tops no panties or bras and tight leggins and always heels.Dont get me wrong i love it all but i cant satisfy her needs now.And she wants sex all the time more and more.I have taken to buy her some sex toys but she says she wants the real thing.She has said she wants more sex then i can give her.One saturday she came down dressed in a very short skirt crotch less black pantie hose low cut tight blouse no bra and heels.She said she was going shopping with her girlfriends.Well i followed her and she went to the park parked her car and walked in to the park.So in in went and there she was with a group of men.She had removed her top and skirt and was down on her knees giving bjs to start things off.Whit that done she straddle one men and put his di5K in her clit and one in her butt and she sucked on another.After she came home i asked her how many men she did in the park.Her answer today or all togerther how many.I said all together she said i am not sure many be 20 or more.
Well not sure what to say. The first thing I thought of is maybe trying to set something up where at least you have a chance to protect her if something were to go rong. Find out how offten she feels that she needs that much sex. The other thing is trying to set something up for her at home a do a video of her for her to watch later. That is if you would be able to handle it. I know that it is eser said then done and a hard choise to make.
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