Need Honest Advice
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Cambridge, MA

#1 Nov 16, 2012
Need some advice, me and my husband has been together for 9 yrs married for 7yrs. I have 3 teenage kids not his. but he has been the only one thats ever helped me raise them. and Im greatful to him for that from the bottom of my heart. but thru out the relationship we've had arguments and even some physical altercations he has never "hit" me but has choked me, threw me across the room, pulled me thru a window by just my arms, pulled me around by my hair, things like that (the kids have never seen any of this) and then in 2007 he cheated on me while working out of town he was out drinking with his work buddies everynight after work and then met her and started having an affair....one night after finding out about the affair (I knew but he didnt know I knew) I was driving home, upset of course but a deer ran out in front of me causing me to hit a light pole head on at about 60mph I was rushed to the hospital, I layed in the hospital all night begging for my husband who never showed up because he was drunk, passed out in his motel room laying next to her! finally after many months and lots of tears I agreed to work on things with him and save our marriage and for a while he was sweet but then after awhile went back to his old self and we struggled to stay together and I got to where I thought maybe it was me, so I went on a diet lost 35lbs got tan, had my hair done, I looked & felt wonderful but still he showed me no attention or love so I made the choice to leave so I rented an apt & was about to tell him I was moving out but then Aug 2010 the scanner started going nuts about an accident I listened to the details to see if I knew who it may be, my heart dropped when I heard them call out the address of where my husband was logging and my chest became tight as they read off the patients age, weight & other details cause I knew exactly who they were talking about! I jumped in my truck & raced to be by his side, my whole world changed that day! he was air lifted 3 hrs away to a trama center where Drs informed me he had no feeling from belly button down. I stayed in that hospital with him for 32 never leaving the hospital days thru major back surgery broken ribs & a collapsed lung..then drove 2 hours a day everyday for 3 wks when he was moved to rehab (all this time being away from my kidsI missed them so bad I stayed sick) & when he came home he depended on me for everything I dressed him, bathed him, helped him with EVERYTHING for a whole year, then one day he got mad at me cause I didnt move fast enought for him or somethin & as I bent down to make sure the wheels on his wheelchair were locked for him to transfer I felt a gust of wind brush across the top of my head as I started to look up pieces of wood from his slide board began to hit me from head to my chest and I realized he had just swung his slideboard at my head...something clicked inside my head at that moment and I was no longer "in love" with the man sitting before me! and that was a little over a year ago and since then I have made him learn to do everything for himself and I have a double life I guess you could say I stay with him because he says he dont have noone else and that without me he'd just kill hisself & has cut his self alot when we have fought and Ive had to take knives & guns away from him but on the weekends I go out with some girl friends of mine and I feel alive and happy and feel like me but thats the only time Im really happy now but I feel guilty everytime I think about leaving him alone cause his family has fell apart & moved away and he dont really have anyone else so I guess Im staying out of guilt? I do have to add on his behalf he was always a wonderful provider as for things me and the kids needed and even wanted. so theres my long story just wanted to put out as many details as possible.. Now advice plz? what do I do? Do I stay or do I go? & if I go, how do I do it?
Help

Cambridge, MA

#2 Nov 16, 2012
oh ps the slide board didnt hit me he hit the dresser and it exploded and thats why I was showered with pieces of wood...
Deep miner

Elizabethtown, KY

#3 Nov 16, 2012
Help wrote:
oh ps the slide board didnt hit me he hit the dresser and it exploded and thats why I was showered with pieces of wood...
well if he's gonna treat u like that cut him loose u need attention get out and get rocked
hmmmm

Charlotte, NC

#4 Nov 16, 2012
People will get on here and baby you like deep miner did. It doesn't matter whether you think your kids saw him act like that before or act like that now. I'm telling you they heard all of it. The consequences of them hearing it is as devastating as if they had actually saw it. I have 2 boys, one saw and one heard. The one who heard, believes you should never show emotions because when you do it makes others mad. He attempted suicide. Thankfully, their dad is not involved with our lives.
You say you are now going out on the weekends, if you have to take care of all his needs, who does that when you are out drinking and partying with your girlfriends? You doing that really makes you no better than he was.
As for her needing attention, deep miner, she actually needs to be giving her full attention to the kids who never asked to be part of that situation. She CHOOSE to be there with him, her kids didn't.
Help

Herndon, VA

#5 Nov 16, 2012
ummm if you had read all my post I plainly said since the slide board thing happened I got him to doing 99.9% of everything on his own! and as for my kids seeing or hearing what was going on ahh no they didnt cuz they wouldnt be home when we would have these fights... and fyi my kids are all teenagers and are either at friends or with their biological father on the weekends so they aint home for me to be home with! but I stay home and Im a great mom Mon-Fri! this has nothing to do with my kids they are very well taken care of...they have everything they need and most of the time what they "want" including all my attention when their at home...so plz dont bring my kids into this in a negitive way.... this question was about him not them!!! thank you.. and thank you "deep miner" Im not looking for attention or love or sex Im just looking to be happy enjoy life, and not worry Im gonna "get in trouble" everytime I turn around...
Help

Herndon, VA

#6 Nov 16, 2012
oh and btw my kids are crazy about him and think the world of him cuz they DONT know this side of him and Ive never let them know about it either... so guess maybe thats another reason why its hard for me to just walk away...
Help

Herndon, VA

#7 Nov 16, 2012
and at no point did I say I was "drinking & partying" now did I? I just said I get out with the girls on the weekends... granted there has been some of that its not what we ALWAYS do...... and how am I thee same as him when he is the one that drank everynight and had an affair... not me!
well

Oneida, TN

#8 Nov 16, 2012
I can't believe you stayed with him thru all the mental, physical and emotional abuse, plus adultry...BEFORE his accident. Scared to leave I guess is usually why, and thinking things will get better/he'll change, or thinking no choice due to no finances and he did provide that. Still doesn't give a man the right to treat you mean.

He's paying big time now for all his misdeeds, but taking it out on you still, despite your amazing loyalty and caregiving. And caregivers do need a break now and then from their full time endeavor to relieve the stress involved.

If he is beginning to do more for himself, but still needs your assistance some, why don't you get one of those FREE Mom grants to up your education/take some courses online even while staying there with him? Plan for YOUR earning future ahead. You already have on-the-job working knowledge toward an LPN/RN for instance. And whether you decide to stay or go, you will have to bring home the bacon yourself doing something. Does he qualify for home healthcare? That could give you some free time to pursue these matters.

I think he needs to wake up and appreciate all you do for him now. The whole situation must be very frustrating and stressful for both of you any which way you look at it. Just sayin...
Deep miner

Elizabethtown, KY

#9 Nov 16, 2012
Help wrote:
ummm if you had read all my post I plainly said since the slide board thing happened I got him to doing 99.9% of everything on his own! and as for my kids seeing or hearing what was going on ahh no they didnt cuz they wouldnt be home when we would have these fights... and fyi my kids are all teenagers and are either at friends or with their biological father on the weekends so they aint home for me to be home with! but I stay home and Im a great mom Mon-Fri! this has nothing to do with my kids they are very well taken care of...they have everything they need and most of the time what they "want" including all my attention when their at home...so plz dont bring my kids into this in a negitive way.... this question was about him not them!!! thank you.. and thank you "deep miner" Im not looking for attention or love or sex Im just looking to be happy enjoy life, and not worry Im gonna "get in trouble" everytime I turn around...
Thats right girl u don't have to live like that b yourself and enjoy life it's to short to live trapped get out and breath
wow

Strunk, KY

#10 Nov 16, 2012
He is very lucky to have a lady like you to stand by him,Sad that he cant see it tho.Love is a funny thing and I think you still have alot for him.Do what you feel not what anyone tells you.Good luck!
hmmmm

Summerville, SC

#11 Nov 16, 2012
hell I'm sorry. guess what I should have said was, "you poor poor baby" please. Look I went through the crap for 18 years. I don't feel sorry for you. You are making the choice to be with him. I do feel empathy for you cause I know what youre going through. But seriously, did you think this was the best place to get advice?
As for your kids not knowing, I find that hard to believe. Whatever, just leave him. Who cares if he sits and dies in his wheelchair
Been there

Charlotte, NC

#12 Nov 16, 2012
I lived in an abusive relationship for 12 1/2 years. I thought I loved him, but after much counseling I realized it was love at first then fear. He did me the same way yours did. He verbally abused me, he physically abused me, and he cheated. He worked on the road so it was easy for him. When we divorced he still tried to make it all my fault. I had done nothing but try and be a good faithful wife. Then one day I realized enough was enough. We divorced and he married his live in lover (by the way, she did know he had a family so she has alot to answer for too). The kids are grwon now and I have remaried. We are all very happy now. I wish I had had the backbone to leave him sooner. My advice is to leave. Let him know how bad he hurt you emotionally and physically. Let him know that you will no longer be his doormat. Stand your ground. Do not let sympathy take over. You have nothing to feel guilty for. He is the one that cheated and abused you. He should feel guilty. Maybe him being in the condition he is in is because of KARMA. By the way, you never did say what happened to the girlfriend he was cheating with. Did she ever come to the hospital to be by his side? Did she ever try and be a loving partner to him?
hmmmm

Summerville, SC

#13 Nov 16, 2012
Does it really matter what happened to the other woman????? She owes you no explanation. She was not the one married to you. Look, like I said before I was married to a horrible person. He died so I didn't have to leave. I couldn't leave anyway. I was married to him for 18 years. I just think that instead of showing this woman pity, she should just leave. She was going to before he got hurt, so what's stopping her now. She made her choice, I made mine and you made yours to stay. I loved my husband because he gave me two beautiful sons. But, as a result of the abuse I suffer from horrible headaches. Both of my sons suffer the reprecussions of either seeing or hearing the abuse. I didn't want pity then and don't want it now. I just believe that this is not the place to ask for advice. What is he going to do when he finds out she posted their business on here. I know if I ever dared do that my husband would have beat the heck out of me.
Help

Cambridge, MA

#14 Nov 16, 2012
Well "hmmm" Im not looking for pity Im looking for advice from ppl that dont have a connection to this whole thing and honestly other then you I have gotten some pretty good feed back and great ideas....and u urself said it you couldnt or didnt leave, ur husband died....well I dont want mine to have to die for this to stop... and I came here asking for aadvice cause I wanted a "from the front porch looking in" kinda view point.... and to the one that ask about the other woman, she broke up with him when she found out everything he had including the phone he used to calll & txt her was mine... and wasnt in the picture at thee time he got hurt...
Help

Cambridge, MA

#15 Nov 16, 2012
well wrote:
I can't believe you stayed with him thru all the mental, physical and emotional abuse, plus adultry...BEFORE his accident. Scared to leave I guess is usually why, and thinking things will get better/he'll change, or thinking no choice due to no finances and he did provide that. Still doesn't give a man the right to treat you mean.
He's paying big time now for all his misdeeds, but taking it out on you still, despite your amazing loyalty and caregiving. And caregivers do need a break now and then from their full time endeavor to relieve the stress involved.
If he is beginning to do more for himself, but still needs your assistance some, why don't you get one of those FREE Mom grants to up your education/take some courses online even while staying there with him? Plan for YOUR earning future ahead. You already have on-the-job working knowledge toward an LPN/RN for instance. And whether you decide to stay or go, you will have to bring home the bacon yourself doing something. Does he qualify for home healthcare? That could give you some free time to pursue these matters.
I think he needs to wake up and appreciate all you do for him now. The whole situation must be very frustrating and stressful for both of you any which way you look at it. Just sayin...
Thank you that is some good advice, and yeah I do have alot on hands on training already due to him and also I went to Medvance for 6 months as a Medical Assistant so may go see about picking that back up...:)
wow

Strunk, KY

#16 Nov 16, 2012
I dont think its right for man or woman to put there hands on eachother,But now days thats the way everyone does more than not.Just leave and thats it,Im glad my mom and dad after 50+ yrs are still together. And trust me just like everyone else they had there problems too.People can change have the talk and if each dont want to try to make the change or talk with someone.Then you tried,No one knows your love but yourself.
ann

Oliver Springs, TN

#17 Nov 16, 2012
he did this he did that well what did you do i bet you think you did nothing wrong and none of that stuff was your falt
lets hear his side i bet he has a story to that tells your not as grate a person as you think you are
all you can think about is what he did to the point you dont see what you did i bet you were no better to him then he was to you
so get over your self when the two of you dont get alone its as much your falt as his
hmmmm

Charlotte, NC

#18 Nov 16, 2012
ann wrote:
he did this he did that well what did you do i bet you think you did nothing wrong and none of that stuff was your falt
lets hear his side i bet he has a story to that tells your not as grate a person as you think you are
all you can think about is what he did to the point you dont see what you did i bet you were no better to him then he was to you
so get over your self when the two of you dont get alone its as much your falt as his
Now Ann, we are supposed to be showing this woman pity. She claims she wants none, but I say she is on here crying and whinning to get pity.
Prayers

Charlotte, NC

#19 Nov 16, 2012
I am sure hmmmmmmm will have some negative comment to make about my post here, but you know what, I don't care. You are asking for advice and opinions. Here is mine. Advice: Turn it over to God and let Him guide you as what to do. Opinion: Don't stay becuse of guilt or obligation. Stay because you love him, you trust him, you can't live without him. If you can't stay for those reasons, LEAVE!
I pray that this advice has helped you in some way.:)
Elder

Oneida, TN

#20 Nov 16, 2012
If it feels good...do it. If it hurts..... stop it.

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