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Since: Jan 10

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#1
Dec 28, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: My daughter was repeatedly date-raped at the age of 16. Her predator threatened to kill her if she ever told, so she kept it to herself until she could get away from him. It was a very scary time in her life, but with the help of counseling she is working through it and moving on with her life.

The problem is, while visiting with my in-laws it was pointed out to us that my mother-in-law had made a collage of pictures and included in it the person who raped my daughter. In all, there are five pictures of him in group settings. When my husband asked her calmly to remove them, she refused. She says it would punish the other grandchildren if she removed the pictures, and it would "ruin her collage."

We have asked her three times, but she refuses to budge. She says we all need counseling and that the request is completely out of line. Do you think our request was out of line?-- APPALLED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR APPALLED: Of course not! Was your mother-in-law aware of what this person had done to her granddaughter when the collage was created? If so, her reaction is bizarre and unbelievably insensitive.

Approach her once more and ask if she would agree to take the collage to a photographer so your daughter's attacker can be digitally edited out of it. If that's not possible, perhaps she would agree to take down the collage when your family visits. However, if the response to that request is also negative, I wouldn't blame you if you went there very rarely, if ever.

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to people when they tell you they will "pray for you" when you're dealing with an illness or other life tragedy if you are a nonbeliever? Statistics say that 34 percent of Americans are nonbelievers, so please address this to the 34 percent who share my feelings of appreciation for the sentiment, but feel like hypocrites for playing along to reciprocate their kindness. I wonder if any of your nonbeliever readers can share how they internally deal with this dilemma.-- NONBELIEVER, BUT GRATEFUL

DEAR NONBELIEVER: I'm sure they will, in droves. However, because nonbelievers physically resemble those who are believers, and nonbelievers don't usually wear symbols indicating their nonbelief, it's understandable that someone of faith would attempt to offer comfort that way. And most people battling a serious illness welcome a "blast of positivity," whether it is couched in religious terms or not.

When someone offers to pray for you, it's usually because the person cares about you, knows you are sick and feels helpless to offer anything more to help. Accept it for what it is, and say thank you rather than tell the person that what they offered is, in your eyes, worthless. That's called being gracious -- regardless of your religious or nonreligious convictions.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of eight years will not resolve his foot odor problem. We live in a small apartment, and it's humiliating when we have company and half the apartment smells like stinky feet.
He refuses to wear socks, and his solution in winter is to open all the windows and turn on the fan as soon as he returns from work. The "airing out" never completely gets rid of the smell -- and I freeze! How can I get him to change?-- FED UP IN MANHATTAN

DEAR FED UP: You obviously can't change your husband, but you don't have to risk getting pneumonia, either. Shoe repair shops sell deodorizing products in the form of sprays and powders. Or buy a large container of baking soda, and when your husband removes his shoes, dump a cupful into each one. They next day the smell should be gone.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Dec 28, 2012
 

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L1: She wasn't "date raped," she was RAPED, you moron. Do you even know what date rape is? My god. Just take that collage down and destroy it. Fuck grandma.

L2: Just ignore it or thank them. I don't pray and I don't believe in it, but you can't stop others from doing it.

L3: Chop his feet off. Think of the money you'll save on shoes.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#3
Dec 28, 2012
 

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LW1 - The grandmother is cold and insensitive. I wouldn't visit until the collage is put in the trash.

LW2 - This happened to me when I had cancer. I just said thank you very much. It made them feel good so what the heck.

LW3 - I would divorce him immediately.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Dec 28, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Chop his feet off. Think of the money you'll save on shoes.
Ha!

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#5
Dec 28, 2012
 
L1: It would punish the other grandchildren? Was this a relative that did this? Sounds like a wonderful woman... And yeah...that's not date rape, asshat.

L2: I equate it to "I'm thinking of you", and I think it's flattering and nice of the person to do. No need to make a production out of it.

L3: How does only half the apartment stink?
RACE

Fort Lauderdale, FL

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#6
Dec 28, 2012
 

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1 Not to be insensitive, but how the heck do you get date raped multiple times? I would think that after the first time, you would just not go out with the person again.

Anyway, as a dad, I would have had a friend "Visit" this kid. I would also trash the collage and tell granny to try again.

2 What do you do? You point out that you dont have a faith and the reason you do not is because you cannot understand the concept of a supreme being inflicting illness.

3 Get a really hot looking female friend and invite her over.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#7
Dec 28, 2012
 

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LW1: If MIL knows why you want that person out then she's a f'n moron. If not, then I can see why she would not want to mess up her collage. The fact that she recommends counseling leads me to believe she's a f'n moron.

I'd love to hear an elaboration on how removing this person would punish the other grandchildren.

This slap in the face would be enough for me to cut ties with her.

LW2: What do you do when you are sick and someone who can't cook worth a damn brings over a casserole to help out? You thank them for the kind gesture even though you know that you are not going to at that slop.

LW3: Dude is an a-hole. If his feet smell so bad, he should be willling to make the grand sacrifice of washing his damn feet with soap and water when he gets home.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#8
Dec 28, 2012
 

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RACE wrote:
I would also trash the collage and tell granny to try again.
I just got an image of you telling the wife and kid to go to the car, and once they walk out the front door, your grab the collage(framed I assume) off the wall and smash it inthe the back of a kitchen chair. Shards of glass showering the kitchen floor before your start destroying the photos. Then you walk out leaving mom shocked and stunned.

I approve.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#9
Dec 28, 2012
 

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L1. I would never step foot in their house again.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#10
Dec 28, 2012
 

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1- How do you get repeatedly dateraped? Maybe you just didn't teach your daughter to say no?

And "it was pointed out to us that my mother-in-law had made a collage of pictures and included in it the person who raped my daughter."

This sounds odd to me. Does this mean the pictures aren't actually on display? It sounds like you became aware she has such pictures and want her to get rid of them. You asked and she said no. Short of refusing to visit her again, I'm not sure what else you can do.

2- Just say thank you!

3- Odor eaters.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#11
Dec 28, 2012
 
Matilda77 wrote:
L3: How does only half the apartment stink?
Maybe it's just the bottom half?
PEllen

Chicago, IL

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#12
Dec 28, 2012
 

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I wonder if Gramma knows about the forced sex or if she thinks the guy is just an old boyfriend who the family used to be close to. Since her concern is about teh other grandkids, I wonder wherther this was public knowledge at all even among the cousins.

Or, if she knows, I wonder if Gramma does not believe the girl did not give consent.

We also don't know how long ago this took place and what the time gap is which could add to Gramma's response.

Kudos to LW for supporting the daughter, but there is additional information needed before deciding just how far off base Gramma is.

(I also wonder if teh boy involved was eitehr a relataive or the best friend of one of the other grandkids)

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#13
Dec 28, 2012
 
LW1: I'm getting the strong feeling that the rapist is part of this family; that's why taking him out would be "punishment."

Grandma is the one who needs therapy.

LW2: Geez, is it so hard to take people's good wishes, no matter how they are delivered?

LW3: No socks? Even in the winter? I bet he's an artist.

When guests are coming, put all his shoes in a bin that seals well. You could put a box of baking soda in there too, not that it will do *that* much good.

And make him wash is feet nightly! With an exfoliant!!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Dec 28, 2012
 

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squishymama wrote:
LW1: I'm getting the strong feeling that the rapist is part of this family;
Its bad enough that LW considered it date rape even thought multiple times does not jibe wit hdate rape, but if it were a family member, its puzzling that LW called it date rape. Whre's this family from? The mountains of Tennessee?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Dec 28, 2012
 
squishymama wrote:
LW3: No socks? Even in the winter?
Is that a Chicago thing? We don't typically wear any type of footgear in the house. Socks included. Winter or not.

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Dec 28, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Is that a Chicago thing? We don't typically wear any type of footgear in the house. Socks included. Winter or not.
I wear socks all the time. Now I have merino wool socks and they are WONDERFUL. You can wear them in the summer, too -- they wick away the moisture so your feet never get too warm, and never get cold.

In the upper midwest, you'd have to have your heat turned up pretty high to not wear socks. Nick keeps a heating pad on the floor under his comptuer desk at home and wears slippers.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#17
Dec 28, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Is that a Chicago thing? We don't typically wear any type of footgear in the house. Socks included. Winter or not.
The letter was signed "Fed Up in Manhattan," so yeah, I'd expect someone to wear socks in the winter there.

And it isn't alwasy that warm in FL, either. When we were in Disney over Thanksgiving, it was 58 degrees. I wished I had brought socks!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#18
Dec 28, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Its bad enough that LW considered it date rape even thought multiple times does not jibe wit hdate rape, but if it were a family member, its puzzling that LW called it date rape. Whre's this family from? The mountains of Tennessee?
Maybe these rapes only occured during family get-togethers, and that's why they've labeled it date-rape. It only happened on those dates. <mimi shrug>
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#19
Dec 28, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Is that a Chicago thing? We don't typically wear any type of footgear in the house. Socks included. Winter or not.
I never wear shoes in the house and I kick them off when I am at my desk at work, too. Why wear shoes in the house? It just wears out your carpet and scuffs other types of floors.
Foot odor is the result of bacteria that grow in a moist environment; the sweat inside your shoes. It helps to wear different shoes every day. So start with the shoes, and treat them with products that will kill the odor. Also find out if there's something he can spray his feet with. If they smell THAT bad, he should wash his feet after he removes his shoes. I can't understand why he would want to live with the stench, or subject you and any of your visitors to it.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#20
Dec 28, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I wear socks all the time. Now I have merino wool socks and they are WONDERFUL. You can wear them in the summer, too -- they wick away the moisture so your feet never get too warm, and never get cold.
Smartwool's rock! Wearing a pair today since we're going to Zoo Lights tonight.

Gotta have my piggies toasty.

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