First Prev
of 3
Next Last

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 20, 2013
DEAR AMY: I recently got remarried. My two sons are in college, and I have a full-time teaching job, a house that is almost paid off and a substantial nest egg. My husband is moving in with me soon but has debts from his business.

Before we were married (we were friends), I gave him $16,000 to help keep his business afloat. I don't expect repayment.

He still has $25,000 in credit card debt accrued from his business at about a 12 percent interest rate, which he will still need to pay while he is looking for work when he moves to my state.

I could sell some of my investments to pay off his credit card, but I am not sure if I should do that.

I know that together financially it would make sense to pay off a high interest bill, but I hesitate to sell investments to give him more money.

What do you think I should do?-- Newlywed

DEAR NEWLYWED: I think you should turn back the clock and have a series of important financial conversations and negotiations with your guy before you get married.

I'm going to get you started on your "postnup" conversation by suggesting questions: Who owns the home you two will share? Who is responsible for your sons' college tuition? Who is responsible for your husband's credit card debt? Are you willing to help finance a new business for him? If he gets a job, will you combine incomes? Who will handle household bills? Will you happily share your retirement savings?

A certified public accountant or financial planner can walk you through this without overwhelming you.

Also, read "It's Not You, It's the Dishes: How to Minimize Conflict and Maximize Happiness in Your Relationship," by Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson (2012, Random House).

DEAR AMY: I think I found "the one." He's funny, ambitious and we communicate seamlessly. Unfortunately, he lives half a continent away (we met while traveling through South America).

We talk every day, and we've managed to meet up once a month for the last eight months. Every visit has been perfect.

I graduate from college this spring, and he's asked me to move to be with him while he finishes medical school, but I'm not sure! I'm worried that I could find a better job somewhere else. I would hate myself for moving if we broke up in a month, and it was all for nothing.

It feels like I could never love anyone else this way, but I'm only 22, and we've never really been together while not traveling.

Should I follow him, or am I living in a fantasy? Should anyone my age follow a boyfriend?

If I followed him, could I respect myself as a modern career-oriented woman?-- Kate

DEAR KATE: No experience in life is "all for nothing." The period immediately after college is a rare time of life when you can make a relatively low-stakes choice to live wherever you want to live, and then move if you want to.

You may have misread the modern feminist concept, which is not to negate your personal life in favor of a career structure, but for you to be your own person. You should do what you want to do.

Can you find a job in your field in your friend's town? If so, go for it. My only caution would be for you not to live with him. Modern relationships demand intentional behavior, and for you to truly be your own person, you should be self-supporting, independent and able to build a life outside of your wonderful romance.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Parents With Problems" reminded me of how smart kids can be sometimes. This seventh-grader knew her parents needed professional help; she saw the lack of affection between them and she knew this wasn't right.

I realized recently that my husband and I were just about the only "happily married" couple my kids knew. That's pretty sad.-- Happy Parents, Happy Kids

DEAR HAPPY: No couple can present a seamlessly beautiful picture to the kids. But our children should see us working things through and working things out.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Feb 20, 2013
L1: Ack!!! Why did you marry him? I personally think you should divorce him then just live together. This guy's bad ways with money won't get better. Enjoy being poor when you're 70. No, do not sell any investments to pay off his debts. I think you need to see a lawyer to see how to protect your finances from here on out.

L2: Of course everything has been perfect -- the daily issues of regular life aren't a part of your interactions. If you want to see if the relationship has a chance, you're going to need to live in the same area/city and have a *real* relationship with him, not a weekend vacation relationship. So either you give the relationship a shot, or you don't.

However: He's in med school: He'll likely have to move for his residency -- it's a lottery system. So I can see NOT moving to where he is until he's done with med school, unless your degree is something easily transportable.

L3: Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
dear abby

Dublin, OH

#3 Feb 20, 2013
yo dolls enuf allreedy

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Feb 20, 2013
1 Sounds like a match made in heaven. He's your man and the book says to love honor cherish and pay off his debts, so crack open that checkbook. Oh, and dont be late with dinner!

2 Go, go scratch you itch now or in 20yrs you will be writing lamy again about not following your heart and marrying some poor dolt you now want to dump.

3 Happily divorced also serves as a good structure.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Feb 20, 2013
LW1: What Amy's intern said.

LW2: I, PERSONALLY, would never get involved in something like that. To me, you get your life and career established and then look for love THERE. But I do know someone who met her husband in another country on vacation. He moved here and they've got 2 kids now.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#6 Feb 20, 2013
L1: You're dumb for getting married before hashing all this stuff out.

L2: Sounds like you have some growing up to do. You start off by saying you think you've found "the one" and then make a laundry list of doubts. Like Ang said, either give the relationship a shot or don't, but stop worrying about what your decisions mean as a woman and all that crap. Just make smart ones based on whatever you want your life to look like.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#7 Feb 20, 2013
1- He suckered you good.

2- Don't do it. It's infatuation/puppy love. Wait a few years, if your hearts are still into it, make a decision then. For now, both of you need to establish your lives.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Feb 20, 2013
I just don't care about either of these letters today.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#9 Feb 20, 2013
1. I think you should figure out some way to enjoy being a sugar momma.

2. I don't know why you had to ask for advice. Surely you recognize what a real-world perspective your monthly visits have given you. Go for it, sister! Ride that unicorn.

3. Do shut up.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Feb 20, 2013
LW1: Boy are you dumb. The last thing you should be doing is teaching our youth.

LW2: I say go for it. You are young, have not established roots anywhere, things seem to be going well between you two (assuming you don't move to Romania, realize he's a fraud, and he sells you off to the sex trade), and it could be adventurous.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Feb 20, 2013
Sam I Am wrote:
1. I think you should figure out some way to enjoy being a sugar momma.
Heh. I agree,that seems to be the way she's heading!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Feb 20, 2013
L1: What bothers me about this is that she's writing Abby instead of talking to hubby. To me that says they do not have good communications between them which is probably more difficult to overcome than monetary problems. You can make more money, you cannot grow more brains (although I hope she uses them more effectively).

L2: People need to live life and not be too afraid, especially when you're in your 20s. I think Amy gave a good answer.

L3: Did you take a poll or something? How the heck do you know for sure?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Feb 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
L2: People need to live life and not be too afraid, especially when you're in your 20s. I think Amy gave a good answer.
I agree with the sentiment. I understand, the higher the risk, the higher the reward. But the flip side is the higher the risk, the greater the loss. Some people are way more comfortable with risk than others. I don't like risk.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Feb 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I agree with the sentiment. I understand, the higher the risk, the higher the reward. But the flip side is the higher the risk, the greater the loss. Some people are way more comfortable with risk than others. I don't like risk.
It shows.:)

I wouldn't do it now, myself. As you get older you don't have as many choices nor the stamina to start again. At 20, you do. There is such a short window where you can do stuff like this, I always encourage younger people to take advantage of it. Not to be stupid about it (like moving in with the guy), but to see new things and experience a different culture is education itself.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Feb 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It shows.:)
I wouldn't do it now, myself. As you get older you don't have as many choices nor the stamina to start again. At 20, you do. There is such a short window where you can do stuff like this, I always encourage younger people to take advantage of it. Not to be stupid about it (like moving in with the guy), but to see new things and experience a different culture is education itself.
I agree. That is one thing I wish I did when I was younger.

For instance, there was a program where I could have done a semester abroad(London). It never interested me. I was happier with the comfort of status quo. I had one friend who took advantage and it soiunded like a great experience. If there's one thing I never did that I'd like to direct my kids to, its stepping out of your comfort zone.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Feb 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It shows.:)
I wouldn't do it now, myself. As you get older you don't have as many choices nor the stamina to start again. At 20, you do. There is such a short window where you can do stuff like this, I always encourage younger people to take advantage of it. Not to be stupid about it (like moving in with the guy), but to see new things and experience a different culture is education itself.
Another fine example of risk reward. Kirk Herbrstreit is the premier college football analyst for ESPN/ABC. I read that he had a choice between a job offer in his degree(something in finance I think) making a decent paycheck(I think it was like $80k) or a job in sports media making next to nothing . He turned down the solid job offer and pursued his dream. Now he's on top of his profession certainly making way more than that offer. That would be so hard for me to make the same decision that he did.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Feb 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It shows.:)
I wouldn't do it now, myself. As you get older you don't have as many choices nor the stamina to start again. At 20, you do. There is such a short window where you can do stuff like this, I always encourage younger people to take advantage of it. Not to be stupid about it (like moving in with the guy), but to see new things and experience a different culture is education itself.
Found that article. He had an offer for $80K a year, company car, and benefits. Described as a country club lifestyle "Play golf, shake hands, talk about Ohio State football with doctors, and live a safe, secure, and comfortable life."

Turned it down for a sports radio gig paying $12K a year and no benefits.

If you told me that story, without any names, without knowing how it played out, I would say the dude was an idiot.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Feb 20, 2013
So, Tonka. What's your dream job?

And the peanut gallery? If you could get a job doing something you really love, what job would that be?

I have too many interests to pick just one.

Something I would like would be archeology. That would be cool -- going on digs all over the world.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#19 Feb 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
So, Tonka. What's your dream job?
And the peanut gallery? If you could get a job doing something you really love, what job would that be?
An thropology dig somewhere in Ethiopia, Tanzania, or China/Siberia. Period. Nothing else. Just that, forever and ever until I die.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Feb 20, 2013
My dream job: Radio DJ/music journalist.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 3
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Oak Park Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Suburbs spread farther afield as more families ... (Nov '07) Wed Dick Fitzwell 7
News Three Men Arrested for Oak Park Carjacking, Arm... Sep 2 They Shot da Cop 2
Debate: Marijuana - Oak Park, IL (Aug '10) Sep 1 fedupcracker 17
Peter Traczyk took his own life in the local fo... (Feb '15) Sep 1 fedupcracker 2
News Arrests made after Two-Month burglary Spree in ... Sep 1 fedupcracker 1
Boycotting prohibited at Oak Park Conservatory! Aug 11 Boycott Illinois ... 1
Monte Lewis Management Consulting Jun '15 hmmmmm 2
More from around the web

Personal Finance

Oak Park Mortgages