Even experienced moms can be surprised by pregnancy

DEAR ABBY: I am a nurse, writing in response to the letter from "Flabbergasted Parents in New Mexico " . I have worked in small community hospitals and in the emergency rooms of trauma centers in larger cities.

[Daria]

If this doesn't underscore the need for comprehensive sex education, I don't know what will. At the very LEAST, girls need to know their anatomy and understand the physical processes of the sexual act and how that translates to pregnancy. Deal with the moral/religious aspects as you will, but don't deny these children the basic biological facts of life!

[miss cat]

how do these women not notice the extra pounds in the abdominal area that have been growing the past nine months? how does no one else? i would notice putting on 30 lbs.

missing periods? swelling breasts?
are they all just really fat chicks who are incredibly out of tune with their bodies or just in complete denial? how do people not know that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy???

this is the weirdest thing i've ever read about...

[yellowdoggie]

Daria, I agree. And I don't think it helps that we hear "precious," smirky discussions of sex on the talk shows. "Va-jay-jay" indeed!

[ivory dove]

Good prenatal care is essential to any woman who could be pregnant. For sensitivity to the miscarriage survivor, she
sometimes experiences insensitivity from people who don't
have any idea how deeply she hurts. She may not want to talk about her loss--or hear anyone --in innocent unawareness--
asking her, "So when do you think you'll have a baby,
Pansy Lynne?" No matter how gracefully she dodges the
question, Pansy Lynne is likely to be crying inside at her
uncertainty that she will ever reach term.

[marie s]

sorry, i still say any woman who doesn't know she's pregnant (or doesn't see a doctor for these "odd symptoms" for 9 months) is stupid and/or lying.

[Aurora]

Actually, a close friend had periods for 5-6 months into her first and second pregnancies. She also didn't show until almost 7 months, so I can believe people don't always know they're pregnant. Still, not knowing until you're in labor is a stretch.

[Kathryn]

I've known three women who didn't know they were pregnant, all in very different circumstances. One was an older, heavyset, pre-menopausal woman with two teenagers, much like the one discussed in the letter. She assumed that her period had stopped because she was in menopause. She had no idea she was pregnant until her husband realized one day that her stomach had gotten very hard.

The other two were younger women, both very thin, who just didn't gain any weight or stop getting their periods. When I found out about the first woman, I thought she must have known and been in denial (I still don't entirely rule it out). She claims that she and her boyfriend didn't actually have intercourse, but that they did do some heavy fooling around.

The third woman is just not the type to have felt ashamed or scared about the pregnancy. She had no reason to hide it. She is tiny--about 100 lbs--and stayed that way up until the day she delivered. I truly believe that she had no idea until she went to the emergency room with abdominal pain.

I know it sounds extremely unlikely, but it really does happen. I don't think there's any reason to call these women stupid or liars.

[cheluzal]

I'm leaning towards the "psychotically denied" or "lying" train. How can a 100 pound person not gain a pound or show at all and carry a baby to full term? Please.

[pookie]

even if this does happen in rare circumstances, lets not pretend this is the norm.the vast majority of women who are pregnant and claim not to know are liars.

[Cynthia]

I had the reverse happen to me. Periods stopped, got a 'heavy' feeling in my stomach, breasts tender. Went to the doctor (military hospital) and before they would see you you had to do the pee in the bottle trick. Came back negative. Three times. Meanwhile, I'm convinced I'm pregnant, belly getting big so resorted to making an appointment in the cancer clinic which couldn't take place for some weeks. Doctor announced I had a growth that would keep growing but surgery wasn't recommended and wrote a note to OB/GYN to 'see this pregnant woman'! Had a 10 lb 8 oz boy a couple of weeks later!

[Sara]

Does the baby not kick, change positions, move at all??? You can feel the kicking from outside too. I'm sticking with idiocy and complete lying.

[Terri at home]

Each pregnancy is different. There was no way I couldn't tell I was pregnant. Sick 8 of the 9 months with morning sickness, very active baby inside, etc.

But not everyone has the same experience. While I can't fully understand it since I didn't experience it, there's a lot of things I haven't experienced that I believe.

[Marsha]

pookie wrote:

even if this does happen in rare circumstances, lets not pretend this is the norm.the vast majority of women who are pregnant and claim not to know are liars.

And you would know this how?

[someone]

Sara wrote:

Does the baby not kick, change positions, move at all??? You can feel the kicking from outside too. I'm sticking with idiocy and complete lying.

I think a lot of it is intense self deception. And lots of people do it in other ways with other things. Look at how many people right now are facing foreclosure who saw the late mortgage notices pile up, knew on some level they were going to be foreclosed and just didn’t want to face it? There are people who have family histories of a particular cancer or hereditary disease and feel themselves getting symptoms and just put it out of their mind until they're near death. Or parents who insist on seeing their child as a "nice kid" when he was pulled over at the state lines with 12 dead hooker heads in his trunk?

So if you take someone pretty overweight (most of the country is) who spots during pregnancy (many women do) and a quiet fetus (mine didn’t kick till way late we were worried until the OBGYN pushed on me and then the kiddo kicked back hard) who just sets her mind to the fact that this Cannot Be (like facing foreclosure, death, etc)….then it's going to happen

So an intense level of self denial coupled with enough physical signs and you're going to have a (in the words of the sister in Knocked up) "the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out"

[Judy]

If these women are nurses and do not know they are pregnant, I wouldn't want them treating me in the hospital.

[Joey]

How does this differ from the ongoing denial we see in female behavior all the time?

Watch the TV show "BRIDEZILLAS" as an example.

And how does this chain of comments differ from the usual excuses we see made for irrational behavior all the time?

[too old]

I'm overweight and pregnant, and I knew 3 weeks into it that something was up. Are these women in complete denial, or did they miss every sex ed class in school?

I went to Catholic school and we still had sex ed... plus, my parents talked to me as a kid as soon as I got my period. Either they're living in a bubble, or they're in denial. To go to the ER and pop out an unexpected baby is completely ridiculous!

[too old]

Judy wrote:

If these women are nurses and do not know they are pregnant, I wouldn't want them treating me in the hospital.

Haha, no kidding!!

[Michelle]

I saw a full length photo of my mother 2 weeks before I was born. You couldn't tell she was pregnant. In fact, she LOST weight during the pregnancy. She hadn't had a "real" period in years, so that part never phased her.

But gee thanks for calling her a liar.

[Daria]

Joey wrote:

How does this differ from the ongoing denial we see in female behavior all the time?
Watch the TV show "BRIDEZILLAS" as an example.
And how does this chain of comments differ from the usual excuses we see made for irrational behavior all the time?

You are a hoot. I'm in denial that anyone could possibly take the BRIDEZILLAS tripe as an adequate gauge of female behavior. Silly girl that I am......