relationship survive cheating?

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just curious

Cincinnati, OH

#1 Aug 11, 2010
Im asking because my boyfriend cheated. He said he loved me and that it would NEVER happen again. I NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE CHEATED, it blind sided me. But now I have NO trust in him , anything he tells me I question. I dont believe a word he says. Can our relationship survive this ?
it can

Nicholasville, KY

#2 Aug 11, 2010
but it will take a VERY long time. When someone looses your trust, especially by cheating, it kind of always makes you seem like a bad person afterwards because you are always questioning them and in the back of your mind are thinking they are not telling the truth. It will take lots of hard work and forgiveness. If you dont think you can forgive him or let it go, then it probably won't work out for you all. Good Luck though, and just remember he is a man, men lie!
YEP

Frankfort, KY

#3 Aug 11, 2010
just curious wrote:
Im asking because my boyfriend cheated. He said he loved me and that it would NEVER happen again. I NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE CHEATED, it blind sided me. But now I have NO trust in him , anything he tells me I question. I dont believe a word he says. Can our relationship survive this ?
First let me say that a guy can love you and still cheat. I know that a lot of people will argue that is not so but it is true. Guys do not typically assign the same level of emotional involvement to sex that women do. That is plain and simple fact. Sex can be utterly meaningless to a guy which is hard for most women to understand. Women invest a lot of emotion into sex and it is hard for them to seperate their understanding of physical love from the way most guys see it.

So don't necessarily equate him cheating with him not loving you. It is selfish, disrespectful, and heartless but it does not mean that he doesn't have a strong emotional attachment to you. The other girl may have no meaning to him beyond physical pleasure.

Now, that being said, it is possible to salvage the relationship. BUT only if he is truly remorseful, truly cares for you, and is willing to sacrifice his own desires and impulses to protect you from pain in the future.

Infidelity is painful. The hurt doesn't end quickly, if ever! There will always be a sting for you. There will also probably be suspicions, jealousy, and flare ups of hatred and anger. Avoid jealousy at all costs! It will consume you if you let it and it can ruin not only the current relationship but every one after it as well. Trusting after being betrayed is very very hard! It takes will power to just say...I am just going to trust. You won't be to that place for quite some time but if you let your mind run wild every time he isn't in sight then you will never get there.

He is going to want to you to get past this quicker than you are able and that will create stress on the relationship. He will get defensive and angry himself when you don't forgive him in the amount of time he wants you to.

He needs to understand that he caused it and even though he feels the anger that he has no right to it. He needs to be patient.

On your side...you have to be willing to forgive eventually. Forgiveness is not forgetting and it is not condoning. It is simply you deciding within yourself that despite the fact that he hurt you that you are willing to let it go. That you are willing to say. OK. I hate that you did this but I accept your apology.

There is nothing he can say or do that will undo it, make it understandable to you, make it stop hurting, or make you forget about it. Eventually you just have to forgive him if the relationship is going to suceed.

If he isn't sincerely sorry then it is never going to work. If you are not willing to forgive then it won't work. He made the mess all on his own, but it will take both of you to clean it up.

And whatever you do...do not involve the other girl! That will create unecessary drama and further complicate things. She should be totally off-limits for both of you. Despite what you think of her, it was him that made the decision to cheat on you.

Unless she is a close friend or relative then she has no relationship with you and while she may be wrong for what she did, she didn't owe it to you not to. He did.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do from a guy who also screwed up and was forgiven by a very amazing woman!
just curious

Cincinnati, OH

#4 Aug 11, 2010
Thanks for taking the time to write all that . I understand EVERYTHING you said.

Im not sure if its in me to forgive. I dont know if there will be ONE day that I wake up and dont think about him being with another women.

I guess time will tell.
YEP

Frankfort, KY

#5 Aug 11, 2010
just curious wrote:
Thanks for taking the time to write all that . I understand EVERYTHING you said.
Im not sure if its in me to forgive. I dont know if there will be ONE day that I wake up and dont think about him being with another women.
I guess time will tell.
Not a problem. I have been on both ends of this in my life.
I know how bad it hurts and I know the pain it causes. The amazingly woman that forgave me for being stupid and vain and selfish felt just like you do right now. She hated me for a long time and there are still times when it flares up in her but the flare ups are fewer and further between every time. It may sound stupid but we are stronger now because of it.

I had face the consequences of my actions. I had to look at this woman I loved and see how much I hurt her with my own stupidity. I was forced to look at myself and not like what I saw. It made me realize how much I had to lose and it forced me to make the choice between the guy I was and the man I wanted to be.

All I can tell you is to trust your instincts and go with your gut. Ask yourself one question and that will tell you whether or not it is worth the pain and the struggle that saving this relationship will be.

Is he sorry because of the betrayal, anguish, and pain that he caused you or is he sorry that he got caught?

If your instincts tell you that he is only sorry that he got caught then get out now because he will more than likely do it again! If he isn't sorry for the pain he caused then he will eventually convince himself that it is worth the risk to do it again. If he is only worried about getting caught then he will just be more careful in the future.

Just trust me on the jealousy thing! Nobody is worth that! I became so jealous when it happened to me that I think I about went crazy. It was all I could think about! I checked up on her constantly! Jealousy becomes all consuming and will destroy whatever it is you are trying to hold on to. I wanted to hold on to her so badly that I eventually pushed her completely away and into the other guys arms.
person

Lexington, KY

#6 Aug 11, 2010
I was in the same shoes you were 3 years ago. Even going so far as to ask the same question on the internet. But in reality, all I was doing was looking for jusitification for what my mind had decided it was already going to do. I couldn't deal with losing the person at the time so I found a few random people on the internet to tell me "it might work", and I gave it a try.

Basically, you know what you have to do. It will never be the same, you will resent him for it and he'll always accuse you of never letting it go.

You need to walk away and save yourself alot of future pain. But if you're like I was, you're going to have to learn this lesson on your own. But take it from me, it's over.
YEP

Frankfort, KY

#7 Aug 11, 2010
person wrote:
I was in the same shoes you were 3 years ago. Even going so far as to ask the same question on the internet. But in reality, all I was doing was looking for jusitification for what my mind had decided it was already going to do. I couldn't deal with losing the person at the time so I found a few random people on the internet to tell me "it might work", and I gave it a try.
Basically, you know what you have to do. It will never be the same, you will resent him for it and he'll always accuse you of never letting it go.
You need to walk away and save yourself alot of future pain. But if you're like I was, you're going to have to learn this lesson on your own. But take it from me, it's over.
That has been your experience. there are plenty of relationships that survive infidelity. Yours didn't and that is ok. You did the right thing for you. That may not be the right thing for her.

It is a bad idea to impose your experience on another person who is asking for advice. If you notice...I didn't. I told her that it can work but I also told her that she needs to trust her own instincts.

It is hard to get past betrayal. It is hard to forgive. But it is possible. It just wasn't for you in your situation.

Neither you nor I know these people or what kind of relationship they had before this happened. You also don't know if there are children involved and trust me that makes these types of decisions much more difficult because they have to be factored in.

It is not fair to dump your baggage and resentment onto someone else and make them feel foolish for thinking they might work it out.

Sometimes it does...sometimes it doesn't. It all depends on the people in the realtionship and the comittment they have to each other.
mee

Nicholasville, KY

#8 Aug 11, 2010
iv been there, my husband cheated on me, and since it has been a constant uphill battle. We have split up a few times and gotten back together. Actually the way yep explained it is perfect! Thats what has been going on. lol it makes alot more since to see it all typed out. Long story short, I love my husband and he loves me, we are trying very hard to make it work. We are going to counseling and talking alot more. I think that is important, and what is helping us the most. I dont know what is going to happen in the future but I know for me I owe it to my family and our 12 year relationship to try. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done and I still struggle! Its hard, and you have to ask yourself it its what you want to do. Its a long hard road to travel and if he isnt going to be there to walk it with you, you need to take that into consideration. Whatever choice you make I wish you luck and can tell you that either way, eventually you will be ok :-)
person

Lexington, KY

#9 Aug 13, 2010
oooorrrrr.... you could just walk away now a save yourself alot a grief. Am I saying it's impossible? No. Im just saying it's been my experince, and everyone I know's experince that once it happens, it's all an uphill fight.

Either way, make sure you come back here years from now and tell me how right I was.
wow

Lexington, KY

#10 Aug 13, 2010
person wrote:
oooorrrrr.... you could just walk away now a save yourself alot a grief. Am I saying it's impossible? No. Im just saying it's been my experince, and everyone I know's experince that once it happens, it's all an uphill fight.
Either way, make sure you come back here years from now and tell me how right I was.
OR that you were wrong.
jenny babe

Nicholasville, KY

#11 Aug 14, 2010
my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and we were so inlove. he told me countless times that he was sorry and that it would never happen again. He didnt tell me he cheated i walked in and saw it for myself. it broke my heart and i thought that someone who said they loved me more then anything wouldnt cheat but i was wrong. I lost all trust in him. about 9 months after that happend he started blowing me off for his friends and i found out recently that all those times i couldnt get ahold of him he was out with other girl. the worst part was that i took his virginity. I left him a few months ago and found out that one of the girls he cheated on me with posted pictures of them on facebook. I looked at the dates on the pictures and they were taken while we were together. We had so many fights about him cheating. I think that if you cheat once what makes you think he wont do it again? Its very hard to trust guys. and it will brake your heart when you find out they do stuff like that and they tell you they love you. If you forgive him he might just think its ok to do it again. It was so hard for me to walk away from him but it was for my own good. I didnt wanna get hurt over and over. I finally found someone who I know i can trust and who loves me for me. I couldnt ask for anything more. Witrh my ex, i just saw it as a leason learned. I loved and lost it but got back out there. Good luck though. I hope everything works out for you. Just do what you feel is best in your heart.
person

Lexington, KY

#12 Aug 16, 2010
wow wrote:
<quoted text>OR that you were wrong.
We taking bets?:)
bubba

Richmond, KY

#13 Aug 16, 2010
stick a fork in the relationship, its done.

no trust= no relationship
biaaaa

Cincinnati, OH

#14 Aug 18, 2010
Well my man cheated on me , and we are working on it. I can tell he is really sorry . Not just because he got caught. We have a baby on the way , sometimes under the circumstances the past should be just that..the past !
wow

Lexington, KY

#15 Aug 18, 2010
person wrote:
<quoted text>
We taking bets?:)
on someone else's life? no.
off star

United States

#16 Aug 18, 2010
Who cares?if who cheats dont get mad or sad life is to short just go have fun stay friends just get some sex in and move on to many hoes out there any way guys to butt dont just feel sorry for yourself just get it in.god to many sissys in here
blue bear

United States

#17 Aug 18, 2010
Its wrong to cheat n there should be no "buts" or a reason as to why you cheat. There is no good reason to cheat.
The people who cheat dont know what they have and once they've cheated they sure as hell dont desurve to have it. It hurts n thats another way to spred stds......use ur head n not ur dick!!!!!
YEP

Frankfort, KY

#18 Aug 19, 2010
blue bear wrote:
Its wrong to cheat n there should be no "buts" or a reason as to why you cheat. There is no good reason to cheat.
The people who cheat dont know what they have and once they've cheated they sure as hell dont desurve to have it. It hurts n thats another way to spred stds......use ur head n not ur dick!!!!!
lol. It must be nice to live in your black and white world of unquestioned moral superiority. No mistakes, no excuses, no forgiveness. Any other nuggets of wisdom you can pass on?
YEP

Frankfort, KY

#19 Aug 19, 2010
off star wrote:
Who cares?if who cheats dont get mad or sad life is to short just go have fun stay friends just get some sex in and move on to many hoes out there any way guys to butt dont just feel sorry for yourself just get it in.god to many sissys in here
TROLL! If you are going to troll at least have the basic mechanics of sentence formation down. You post is just a string of non-sensical words strung together.

This is basically what your post reads like....
Butt hoe went wit trailor trash cheetin fodder goat! Hibbity Hoopla zamma zamm dwee! Cat n dog of the front porch cow cyst!-

MORON!
Lost it recently

Nicholasville, KY

#20 Aug 19, 2010
My wife "talked" on the phone and met with this guy about 5 months ago. i found out and forgave her. then my moter passed away on may 21 and i found out 3 weeks after that she was talking to this guy again. we have been split up for almost 3 months now and it doesnt get any easier. i dont think they can stop because they know you let them get by with it in the past. best thing to do is move on and start fresh. i know its hard but if they do it once they will do it again. i am 36 years old on the 23rd of this month and feel like shit for letting it get that far. i did everything for her. i cooked cleaned ran baths worked. and went without so i could get for her and i guess she needed more than me. she said it was because i didnt talk and she needed conversation more than what i gave her. thats bullshit. i let her do it once before and she thought i wouldnt leave. now i aint saying startingover is easy buts its easier than constantly worrying about what they are doing 24 hours a day

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