Wife's flagging libido may be caused by inattentive husband

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Considering It in San Mateo" , who asked you if it was permissible to have an affair because his wife of 34 years no longer wanted to have sex, was good, but you missed a couple of ... Full Story
A Man

Hines, IL

#1 Jan 24, 2008
I assure you : there is no way any man can suggest to a woman that she may need medical treatment. If you do it, you might as well also confess that yes, those jeans make her look fat, and that it's about time tell her mother to shut up and back off.

You're better off waiting for her to bring it up, and then concurring/supporting. Her friends can suggest medical treatment; you can't. Not about sex. She will think and does believe that your sole motivation is your sexual needs.

“<insert witty comment here>”

Since: Jul 07

United States

#2 Jan 24, 2008
Wow, what a shock. She's not interested because it's all his fault. "How is his hygiene?" "Does he bathe everyday?" "How is he presenting himself to his wife?" If the situation was reversed, would we be asking if he's not interested because his wife doesn't bathe? No, we would be saying that he must be having an affair. So it would still be his fault.
Hu Flung Dung

Saint Paul, MN

#3 Jan 24, 2008
As usual, blame the man. If a man cheats, it is his fault, if a wife cheats, it is the man's fault.

The misandry from Amy and Abby and letters writers is always evident and expected.

Go to mensnewsdaily.com
MikePOdunk

Tokyo, Japan

#4 Jan 24, 2008
Abby,
You have missed a major potential problem. Her "lack of interest" is due to her own infidelity. I know.

After 8 years in a loveless marriage, I found out that my now ex-wife was advertizing as someone else's "partner" on a sex site.

The last big hint, was when I when on travel for work. She said to me that it was OK to fool around while I was gone. I looked her in the eye and said to her, "Do you not know me very well anymore?"

This guy probably does not to get her medical help. But he may need to look into legal help.
brad

Wilmington, NC

#5 Jan 24, 2008
the "flagging libido" comes from the fact that she's married. it isn't cleanliness or attentiveness. its the fact that they're married.

Since: Jan 08

BFE

#6 Jan 24, 2008
or perhaps the "perfect" husband is a little too fast to please himself and let me tell ya that is a HUGE turn off. Maybe 33 years of speedy is more than enough.
sand

Joplin, MO

#7 Jan 24, 2008
Abby's columns (the daughter Abby, not the "real" Abby) are a joke.
Another Female

Las Vegas, NV

#8 Jan 24, 2008
Some people, after many years of the same partner are just "it's not the way it used to be, I need something different." And some people still generate a spark after 30+ yrs. I don't know why "the look" in my husband's eye gets my motor started. Part of it may be that he always has been extremely fastidious and showers twice a day even now. And when I asked him why, when he's not nearly as active as he was when he needed to shower and change 2X daily, and he said he loved to smell all the body lotions and lovey stuff I use when I shower, and he wanted to also. So, it makes me feel good about myself; I don't see his wrinkles, or weight, or hair loss. I see the guy who can't wait to go,do,see,enjoy.
Of course it may help that he was overseas in the service and learned a few things.

Since: Jan 08

Oklahoma City, OK

#9 Jan 24, 2008
Good for you, Another Female. I'm glad somebody out there's not bitter, jaded, or cynical about sex. As for me, I'd really like to know what medications "One Hot Old Lady" found. I don't have any complaints, exactly, but hey.
Just Me

Lynnwood, WA

#10 Jan 25, 2008
I guess the million dollar question is this - does she suffer from lack of libido (a valid option, similar to male e.d.), or, is it a lack of interest in her husband?

If it's the first, then she needs medical treatment. If it's the second, then he needs to find out why she doesn't want him. Whether it's something he's done / not done (the cleanliness thing that everyone seems to think is a problem in men of a certain age), or whether it's that she's been cheating on him, or whether it's that she's a closet lesbian.

Without knowing why she's not interested, there really isn't any way to offer this poor husband advice, other than to say that I think he absolutely has the right to get a straight answer from her as to WHY she doesn't want to - he's her husband, and while I don't hold with the "close your eyes and bear it", you're married so you automatically have to whenever they want attitude, I do think a person has a reasonable expectation of physical affection on a somewhat regular basis from their spouse, or at least an explanation of why not...
almost 40

Raleigh, NC

#11 Jan 28, 2008
I'm an almost 40 ladyand have no sex drive. My husband is weak in bed and has a small, non stimulating part. When I first married him, infatuation got me past the size. After 13 years every time we do it, I can only think, if that is all you have, why do I bother. Its just boring for me.
Womens Libido

Atlanta, GA

#12 Apr 28, 2010
There might not be any connection between the husband's attentiveness and the wife's libido. Much of the time the sex drive loss that occurs as we get older comes from natural causes. I found this answer on this sex questions site that showed me some good ways to naturally increase my libido like diet, exercise, and psychological health.

http://www.sexquestions.info/how-can-i-increa...

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