Lists:Self-explanatory

[Peyton Place]

IReality Check wrote:

Why Men Are Proud Of ThemselvesWe know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
We can make decisions without a support group.
We can leave a motel bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate.
We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
Our pals will never trap us with: "So, notice anything different?"
We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades.
We don't have to shave below the neck.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes.

Why didn't God make us all men.It would be so much easier.:)

[IReality Check]

"OLD" IS WHEN Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN You are not sure these are jokes.

[IReality Check]

Bulletin BloopersFrom actual Church Bulletins........

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

[IReality Check]

continued from above...

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine: Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the Way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of several others.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.- prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better.

A worm welcome to all who have come today.

Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Thank you dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.

[IReality Check]

Cont...

I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour

My joke is easy and my burden is light.

Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows

Child care provided with reservations.

Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

[IReality Check]

Bumper Stickers for the Educated

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[Planck]

IReality Check wrote:

Bumper Stickers for the Educated
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

LOL

My favorites are Quantum Mechanics, Support bacteria and Televangelists.

[Planck]

Important Thanksgiving week checklists...

MONDAY:

Defrost your turkey (if it's frozen).
Remember that you have to allow 24 hours for every 5 pounds if you're going to defrost a turkey in the refrigerator. That means a 15-pound turkey will take three full days, so get started on Monday. If you choose to prepare a fresh turkey, purchase it one to three days before Thanksgiving and store it in the fridge until time to cook.
SUGGESTION:
If you miss that deadline, you can defrost the bird faster in a sinkful of cold water, allowing about half an hour for each pound of turkey and changing the water occasionally.(It will still take 7 1/2 hours for that 15-pounder, so do it after work on Wednesday, then refrigerate it.)


TUESDAY:

Do your final food shopping.
Make a cooking schedule for Thanksgiving Day.
If guests are invited for 5 P.M., count backward from a 6 P.M. dinner, writing down the time everything goes into the oven or the microwave. Don't forget the dishes that will have to be reheated.
Prepare and freeze appropriate side dishes and desserts.
Don't forget to thaw out the breads and biscuits you made earlier this month.


WEDNESDAY:

Set the table.
Clear out the coat closet for guest coats.
Clean the guest bathroom.
If possible, make it off-limits to the family.
Take the gravy out of the freezer and put it in the refrigerator so it can defrost.
Decide on a table centerpiece.
Flowers or collections of candles work well. Line votive candles down the center so the entire table is aglow. Since it's fall, you could also try an arrangement of seasonal fruits and vegetables. Place pumpkins, gourds and wheat around the house for decorative touches.
Prepare yourself, too.
Today's a good day to decide what to wear and to mentally take yourself through Thanksgiving Day. Don't worry about potential mishaps. Remember that the important thing is that family and friends are together.
Prepare and refrigerate moist ingredients for the stuffing.
Store dry ingredients in a separate container. Thaw pie dough and bake the pie. Set your beautiful table with elegant folded napkins.


THANKSGIVING DAY:

Don't forget breakfast.
Your family will be happier sitting down to an afternoon feast if their stomachs aren't completely empty.
Make the stuffing in the morning and stuff the turkey right before it's ready to go in the oven.
Enlist helpers to set the table before guests arrive.
Those who are not setting the table can arrange the vegetable plate or other pre-dinner platters. Encourage reluctant children (and adults) to pitch in by announcing that the worst sourpuss will have to scrub the turkey pan at the end of the night.
Remove prepared side dishes from the freezer.
Just before roasting the turkey, combine stuffing ingredients or place in an oven safe dish or foil.
Roast the turkey.
Within two hours after roasting, remove stuffing from turkey and carve meat off bones.
Then, chill in refrigerator before wrapping for storage. Once chilled, wrap turkey and stuffing separately.
Once guests start to arrive, give each child an assignment.
Such as greeting the guests at the door, taking people's coats, making a new member of the family feel at home, or getting the younger kids prepared for dinner.
The table's set, the guests have arrived, and it's still a while before dinnertime?
Suggest that everyone write thank-you notes to family members and friends who couldn't be with you on this night, telling them why you're grateful that they're a part of your life and that you're thinking of them. Have extra stationery, pens and stamps so guests can join in.
Have a great Thanksgiving!
Be sure to send your guests home with leftovers.


The Day After

Freeze leftovers if you plan to store them for a long time. Wrap in heavy foil, freezer.

(todolistsoft.com )

[IReality Check]

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.
Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.

[jedi83]

Star Wars is better than Titanic in ALL ways....Not to put down Titanic (it's a favourite of mine,about no. 25 on my list)but there is no comparison...The only movies that are anywhere near the Star wars saga are The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Lonesome Dove. Star wars is life....The rest is just details....

[IReality Check]

jedi83 wrote:

Star Wars is better than Titanic in ALL ways....Not to put down Titanic (it's a favourite of mine,about no. 25 on my list)but there is no comparison...The only movies that are anywhere near the Star wars saga are The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Lonesome Dove. Star wars is life....The rest is just details....

For heaven's sake, oh Jedi of mine......it's a joke!!!!!

[IReality Check]

Redneck Medical Terms
Artery
The study of paintings.

Benign
What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria.

Barium
What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan
Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize
Made eye contact with her.

Colic
A sheep dog.

Coma
A punctuation mark.

D&C
Where Washington is.

Dilate
To live long.

Enema
Not a friend.

Fester
Quicker than someone else.

Fibula
A small lie.

Genital
Non-Jewish person.

G.I.Series
World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail
What you hang your coat on.

Impotent
Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane.

Morbid
A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates.

Node
I knew it.

Outpatient
A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear
A fatherhood test.

Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative
A letter carrier.

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery.

Rectum
Darn near killed him.

Secretion
Hiding something.

Seizure
Roman emperor.

Tablet
A small table.

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor
More than one.

Urine
Opposite of you're out.

Varicose
Near by.

[IReality Check]

Package Instructions

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A CANON CAMERA (circa 1966)
Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX
Fits one head.

ON A PACKET OF SUN-MAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

ON A HAIRDRYER
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.(Details inside.)

[IReality Check]

Signs of Times
You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.
Your Grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and six months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have five years ago, is cause for panic.
Using real money, instead of credit or debit cards, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-It notes.
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
You wake up at 5am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You're reading this.
Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone!

[Planck]

Hollywood Miscalculations: 5 Famous Actors and the Roles They Turned Down
by Ransom Riggs

Sean Connery wasn’t supposed to be James Bond. Keanu wasn’t supposed to be “the One.” So, who were the original choices? Here are 5 actors and the legendary roles they turned down.

THE ROLE: James Bond in Dr. No

WHO LET IT GET AWAY: Cary Grant. Despite being Bond producer Albert Broccoli’s best man, Grant said “I don’t” to the offer, and Sean Connery got the role instead. Of course, many studio executives objected to the decision, and even Bond creator Ian Fleming said Connery “wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
REGRETTABILITY METER: Low. By the 1960s, Cary Grant already had a spectacular film career. If he’d accepted the role (as Broccoli later revealed), it would’ve been just a one-movie deal.

THE ROLE: Neo in The Matrix

WHO LET IT GET AWAY: Will Smith turned it down to star in the forgettable action flick Wild Wild West, and the part went to Keanu Reeves.
REGRETTABILITY METER: Low. In an interview with Wired, Smith said,“I would have absolutely messed up The Matrix. At that point I wasn’t smart enough as an actor to let the movie be—whereas Keanu was.”

THE ROLE: Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction

WHO LET IT GET AWAY: Michael Madsen, who was stuck in lengthy rehearsals for Wyatt Earp. John Travolta got the role instead and, almost overnight,transformed from a Hollywood has-been into one of the most bankable stars in the business.
REGRETTABILITY METER: High. Madsen called Wyatt Earp “a big waste of time.”

THE ROLE: Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy

WHO LET IT GET AWAY: Sean Connery, who’d never read the J.R.R. Tolkien series and claimed he “didn’t understand the script.”(Can you say karma?)
REGRETTABILITY METER: High. In return for playing the role, New Line Cinema offered the Scottish actor up to 15 percent of worldwide box office receipts, which would have earned Connery more than any actor had ever been paid for a single role—as much as $400 million.

THE ROLES: Sundance in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Jimmy “Popeye” Doyle in The French Connection, and Captain Benjamin Willard in Apocalypse Now.

WHO LET THEM GET AWAY: Steve McQueen.

REGRETTABILITY METER: Tragically high. McQueen turned down the role of Sundance simply because costar Paul Newman refused to give him top billing. Later, McQueen declined the lead in The French Connection because he felt the part was too similar to the tough cop he’d played in 1968’s Bullitt. Gene Hackman took the part and won an Oscar for it. And finally, in 1978, McQueen told Apocalypse Now director Francis Ford Coppola to shove off when he was offered the lead. McQueen’s non-negotiable asking price was $3 million; plus, he didn’t feel like spending four months shooting in the Philippine jungle. Instead, Martin Sheen landed the role, and despite suffering a heart attack during the stressful production, he gave one of cinema’s greatest performances.

[IReality Check]

Boy, do I miss Steve McQueen...he was one of my faves! What a "Love Story"(bad pun intended lol)he and Ali McGraw lived! I'm so glad someone else is contributing to these threads...esp. the food for thought one....sometimes I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall, but if ONE person gets something from that thread....it's worth the time and effort!
Love,light,peace and hope, Planck!

[IReality Check]

How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Clean all wet shower surfaces.
Spray mould spots with flash bathroom spray.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Attack with nails or tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend half an hour getting dressed.


How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower).
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes.

[IReality Check]

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

[IReality Check]

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

[Planck]

“Children’s Authors Who Don’t Like Children

Beatrix Potter never had children, and perhaps for good reason. Neighbor Diana Wynne Jones recalls two young girls resting on the author’s fence one day. A minute later,“an old woman with a sack over her shoulders stormed out of the house and hit both of them for swinging on her gate,” Jones said “This was Beatrix Potter.”

Dr. Seuss never had kids, either. Apparently, children made him nervous, especially throngs of them.“Individually, I can handle them,” he once said.“But en masse…they terrify me.”

Fairy-tale creator Hans Christian Andersen hated it when children perched on his lap for story time. Poor Hans must have done a nice spin in his grave when his 8-ft. likeness was erected in New York City’s Central Park. It was purposely made for children to climb and sit on.

Maurice Sendak, the author and illustrator of Where the Wild Things Are, doesn’t limit his distaste to just children:“I hate people,” he told The New York Times in 2008, explaining that he much prefers dogs.”