Lists:Self-explanatory

[IReality Check]

Things you would never know without the Movies
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

[IReality Check]

Continued from above....
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
Source: PBBT

[Huh]

Why not just post the link? How is this community information or news?

[what 1]

Huh wrote:

Why not just post the link? How is this community information or news?

Its just a nice change of pace to read something funny other posts do the same thing, THey are cute and refreshing from allthe bashing that normally goes on here. THe news paper I believe has comics in it.

[IReality Check]

Huh wrote:

Why not just post the link? How is this community information or news?

You don't get it and you never will...there are some people who enjoy other things than gossiping and trashing their fellow human beings.There have been quite a few on here who have a strong sense of COMMUNITY with one another.If we choose to come to threads such as these(Bible discussion,word games, poetry,wisdom,clean humor,etc.)....we have the right....just as YOU and any like-minded choose NOT to. It's simply a matter of preference...don't click on the thread. However,I do wish you would lighten up a little bit,so much negativity is NOT good for you!Of course,if that's what you REALLY prefer,then,by all means,go to the gossip,backbiting,trashing thy neighbor,town,state and country threads. As for me...I prefer positivity and light.
Love,light,peace,hope and blessed be.

[Huh]

IReality Check wrote:

<quoted text>You don't get it and you never will...there are some people who enjoy other things than gossiping and trashing their fellow human beings.There have been quite a few on here who have a strong sense of COMMUNITY with one another.If we choose to come to threads such as these(Bible discussion,word games, poetry,wisdom,clean humor,etc.)....we have the right....just as YOU and any like-minded choose NOT to. It's simply a matter of preference...don't click on the thread. However,I do wish you would lighten up a little bit,so much negativity is NOT good for you!Of course,if that's what you REALLY prefer,then,by all means,go to the gossip,backbiting,trashing thy neighbor,town,state and country threads. As for me...I prefer positivity and light.
Love,light,peace,hope and blessed be.

Just asked a question. You all need to lighten up. geesh!

[THANKS]

IReality Check wrote:

<quoted text>You don't get it and you never will...there are some people who enjoy other things than gossiping and trashing their fellow human beings.There have been quite a few on here who have a strong sense of COMMUNITY with one another.If we choose to come to threads such as these(Bible discussion,word games, poetry,wisdom,clean humor,etc.)....we have the right....just as YOU and any like-minded choose NOT to. It's simply a matter of preference...don't click on the thread. However,I do wish you would lighten up a little bit,so much negativity is NOT good for you!Of course,if that's what you REALLY prefer,then,by all means,go to the gossip,backbiting,trashing thy neighbor,town,state and country threads. As for me...I prefer positivity and light.
Love,light,peace,hope and blessed be.

Thanks for something other than gossip, or trashing someone.....

[IReality Check]

THANKS wrote:

<quoted text>
Thanks for something other than gossip, or trashing someone.....

You are so very welcome!

[IReality Check]

Huh wrote:

<quoted text>
Just asked a question. You all need to lighten up. geesh!

PRECISELY!!!!! LOL LOL...Only, I would change that from "You" to "We"!

[IReality Check]

What I Have Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

[IReality Check]

Continued from above...

I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.
I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.
I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that although the word "love" can have
many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
[Author unknown]

[IReality Check]

You Might Be A Redneck



- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

- Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

- You burn your yard rather than mow it.

- You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

- Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.

- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't
want it.

- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

- You come back from the dump with more than you took.

- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

- Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

- You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

- You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

- Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

- You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

- You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

- You have a rag for a gas cap.

- Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
dinner.

- Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

- You can spit without opening your mouth.

- You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.

- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

- You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

- You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.

- The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

- You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

- You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

- You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

- Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you home.

- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvement.

- You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

- You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

- You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

- Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, and you
take them out to see what it is.

[joe]

Your wifes weight is higher then your credit score

[IReality Check]

joe wrote:

Your wifes weight is higher then your credit score

ROTFLMAO...I take it this was an addition to the above! Good one!

[joe]

IReality Check wrote:

<quoted text>ROTFLMAO...I take it this was an addition to the above! Good one!

Glad you liked it.

[IReality Check]

Actual Newspaper Headliners
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

[IReality Check]

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

[IReality Check]

continued from above....
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer ....$15.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family .... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.*** Remember ... they walk among us AND they VOTE!!!!
__________

[IReality Check]

True Stories Told on Insurance Forms

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when
I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.

9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way
home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.


11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my
universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in
a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable
to stop in time to avoid the accident.

14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I struck him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off
the hood of my car.

21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.

22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve
out of its way when it struck my front end.

[IReality Check]

I don't know how true some of these are, but I don't think that's the point. Isn't it really handy to have something witty to say when the conversation is dragging? For instance, if someone sneezes, you will now be able to tell them that water just came screaming out of their mouth at 60mph instead of giving them the boring old "Gesundheit!" What more could you ask for?
Here are even more trivia questions and answers.
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.
2. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
3. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP
4. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
5. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
6. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
7. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year, so be careful.
8. One of the longest one-syllable words in the English language is screeched.(Strengths is another one.)
9. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
11. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
12. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
13. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14.'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
15. Typewriter is the only ten letter word you can type on the top row of your keyboard.
16. A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
17. Things that are Canadian, or invented by Canadians: Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Jim Carey, Basketball, the 24 time zone divisions, Hockey, Apple Pie and the reason the Whitehouse is white. The Canadians burned the capital to the ground, and the US repainted it.
18. 65% of statistics are made up.
19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
20. If Barbie were life size her measurements would be 39-23-33
21. A duck's quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary. 1 2 3
22. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye (Pino is Italian for pine, Occhio is Italian for eye)
23. Camels milk doesn't curdle.
24. Murpheys oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
25. Porcupines float in water.
26. Cats urine glows under a black light.
27. Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
28. In every episode of Seinfeld there's a superman somewhere.
29. Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
31. 91% of Americans lie daily.
32. "two plus eleven" and "one plus twelve" not only give the same result but use the same letters
33. With lunchables you have 50% less crackers then toppings. To use them all with no left overs you would have to do two toppings per cracker.
34. When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.