Fake Morristown news
Ernie Hummingway

Morristown, TN

#1 Sep 24, 2012
What the heck. Besides all the moaning and bitching, there really is some talent on this board. If you have any talent, take this chance to write your own fake news story about local happenings.

Rules to the writers:
Don't use real names but something close is OK.
Keep it either close to the truth or so far away from the truth it is obvious fiction.
Rule to the readers:
For entertainment only. Anything you think is real is your own problem.
Ernie Hummingway

Morristown, TN

#2 Sep 24, 2012
9/24/12
Our “Topix Today” on the spot reporter Bob Less uncovered secret plans from the city council gang of 2. Because of the several recent sewer overflows they applied for a Department of Homeland security grant to takeover and develop the failed downtown parking lot project into a “Storage/gravity time release retention facility”.
According to state inspector, Ima Witch,“Due to its physical location of being down hill from many of the banks, churches, lawyers, court house and the chicken plant, it is an ideal location to store the large rapid quantities that can overwhelm the current system and distribute it by gravity to the existing system as its capacity dictates through the existing turkey creek estuary.
The grant was doomed to fail a full council vote until a brilliant compromise was proposed by the former mayor to name the project the’ Linda S**t Bucket’ locally but officially to be presented to the Department of Homeland security as “S**t rolls downhill”.
The six member board voted 8-0 to approve the grant. The chamber of commerce has announced great pleasure in being able to create so many ‘good jobs’ for our community and will have promised a toilet paper rolling of the over head sidewalks for the ceremonial “first flush”.
Newsie

Morristown, TN

#3 Sep 24, 2012
Too funny! You have talent and may have given government a great new idea. The Tribune would certainly report a vote of 6 as passing 8-0.
Jim

Morristown, TN

#4 Sep 24, 2012
Great job!!!
Ernie

Morristown, TN

#5 Sep 24, 2012
Thanks for the compliment but we are in international waters and no one knows you. Take off your shirt and jump on in.
Richard

Morristown, TN

#6 Sep 24, 2012
Do you know what type of writing pays the most ?
Ernie

Morristown, TN

#7 Oct 4, 2012
BREAKING NEWS: SECRET PLANS REVEALED
In a rare leak from a reliable source from the NorthWestEastern division of the Southern Baptist convention, the youth annex at 1st Baptist church in Morristown is actually a sham.
We met with an anonymous Baptist spokesman who would only allow us to use his first name “John the”. He agreed to meet with us at a secret underground parking garage on Main St. known to insiders as the “Wild time parking and wine storage”. Its secret entrance was uncovered and then recovered at the end of the overhead sidewalk next to Community Bank, going under Mayes Funeral Home and ending at 1st Baptist. He forbid pictures and shot our photographer (no problem, just a temp), but during the tour through the catacombs he also showed me the side tunnel connecting to the Episcopalians with the explanation that except for Lon Price and a few others, the Presbyterians are not invited.“The secret facility was originally created in WW2 by the Morristown Illuminati, The Helms family singers, Harry Glass, Herbert Bacon and many local civic leaders. The objective was to insure safe sheltor against getting bombed while out in public and late night communion services for select sinners that might need a booster shot during the week. The name was changed years later when the Wild brothers became part of the group because they could build backroom deals and also because ‘Wild time’ sounded better than “Helms time parking and wine storage”. At this point my ex-photographer was dumped into underground Turkey creek.“Don’t worry”, as he hit an old knob and tube switch on the wall,“the sewer system has just been shut down again and he will be in the lake by morning. We will send someone out to run over a light pole to make it look good. That is why we also have a tunnel to MUS, the McGufffin Utility Service”.
It was at this time a mysterious figure walked out of the shadows, introduced himself as Mr. Roebuck and gave John a handful of locus to chew on.

CONTINUED AFTER NEXT BEER
faker

Morristown, TN

#8 Oct 4, 2012
Ernie Hummingway wrote:
What the heck. Besides all the moaning and bitching, there really is some talent on this board. If you have any talent, take this chance to write your own fake news story about local happenings.
Rules to the writers:
Don't use real names but something close is OK.
Keep it either close to the truth or so far away from the truth it is obvious fiction.
Rule to the readers:
For entertainment only. Anything you think is real is your own problem.
Want fake news? Just read any of Robert Moore's articles in the Tribune.
Ernie

Morristown, TN

#9 Oct 4, 2012
Hmmmmm:
Could that possibly be our reporter Bob Less?? Inquiring minds want to know. A terrible thing to waste.
Ernie

Morristown, TN

#10 Oct 4, 2012
Oops,
meant to say a mime is a terrible thing to waste
Ernie

Morristown, TN

#11 Oct 4, 2012
“Most of the common people have forgotten that according to our Mayan friends, the world as you know it will cease to exist in 2 months. We are building our launch platform at that end of our tunnel, which is why we had to dig such a deep foundation. It has been a very time consuming and expensive project but our financial secretary Barbara Writ of Habeas Corpus, whom we hired 10 years ago has helped secure financing along side my manager of the local Sears store who will now start selling everything for whatever he can get; including the lease, to get the cash infusion we will need for the down payment for our alternative energy government loan to build and fuel the ship which has already been built in the basement of an old restaurant supply business that we convinced to move to Knoxville. All it took was a few rocks blowing up on the west end, neighbors not wanting a Food City in the middle and an organized personality clash on the city council about who wanted the sewer named after themselves - and the highly paid reporters at the Citizen Tribune totally missed it with all the real news going on. Because 1/2 of the Morristown population is below average, the job was easy”.

CONTINUED AFTER NEXT BEER

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