French Military History in a Nutshell, Fate in Mali?
Posted in the Minneapolis Forum
Saint Paul, MN
#1 Apr 3, 2013
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Analysis: Mali insurgency endangers French pull-out plan
Wed Apr 3, 2013 8:02am EDT By John Irish
PARIS (Reuters)- France wants to cut its forces in Mali sharply by the year-end and is urging its ex-colony to hold elections in July, but an Islamist insurgency is threatening that timetable.
Many people in northern Mali who lived under the rebels' brutal form of Islamic law last year are apprehensive about French plans to leave just 1,000 of the current 4,000 troops in the country by December, with U.N. peacekeepers filling the gap.
"The Islamists are waiting for the French to leave to open the gates to hell. Let's hope the U.N. will take over quickly because the Malian army alone cannot face the terrorism threat," said Alhassane Maîga, a teacher in the ancient trading post of Timbuktu.
Last weekend Islamist militants launched their second attack on Timbuktu in a fortnight, shortly after French President Francois Hollande insisted the elections must take place as scheduled and unveiled the plan to slash troop numbers.
#2 Apr 3, 2013
Nice history lesson, but all it proves is wars accomplish little, like Bushwhacker's Iraq !!!
Saint Paul, MN
#3 Apr 5, 2013
French military prowess has nothing to do with Bush.
#6 Oct 6, 2013
French lost the spanish succession war?????
France win spain as an ally and the french royal family was stablished in spain. The alliance between Borbonic Spain and France give all superiority in any battle at the land because they are two country with common frontier giving to carry soldiers easily.
In that war the hasburg alliance was defeated at the land. All the countries except UK had to accept the borbonic spain.
UK the only country that had won something because they invaded succesfully Gibraltar and Minorca thanks to the royal Navy decided not to accepted that the war ended with a disaster. UK wanted to continue the war in spite of that the allies have left the war.
The King of spain and france agreed with UK to gave them what they want to finish the war.
#7 Nov 11, 2013
Leave it to americans to rewrite their own version of history to feel better about themselves.
I know that education isn't exactly america's strong point, but if americans opened a book they would realise that France has won more wars than the US have ever been in.
Also, without the french, they would still be a British colony.
But hey, keep thinking you're tough! It takes courage to drop nukes on civilians.
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