From those who hate Seattle

From those who hate Seattle

Posted in the Minneapolis Forum

DSM Local

Ankeny, IA

#2 Jan 5, 2013
Myth #1
Forget it. You're WAAAAYYYY too late! The Thursday, June 6, 2002 Seattle P-I tells the story. In the past year, the median price of a home in Seattle has risen from $260,000 to $277,500!!! Who's buying this stuff??? Who can possibly afford it??? Beats me, cuz I grew up here and I'm not on the guest list. Washington State presently leads the nation in unemployment, at least partially a result of the dot-gone fall-out coupled with massive Boeing layoffs. But obviously somebody has a lot more discretionary income than they're entitled to, because they keep spending it on homes most of us can't even think about affording.

Clearly, Seattle is becoming a city where the "haves" are taking over. The economic gentrification reaches astounding proportions -- a friend of mine recently sold her modest home for $525,000! The house is located on a hill behind the traffic hell hole that is University Village. You move there, you're trapped. I guess that matters little to people with cash burning holes in their pockets. Good luck, suckers. Call me when Sound Transit brings the monorail to your hood. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

This humongously offensive feeding frenzy all started in 1989, when scumbags like Michael Martin, a real estate hustler who has since admitted to bilking his clients out of millions, fomented a home-buying stampede. It was fueled by Californians, who discovered they could dump off their ratty bungalows in East LA and buy three Seattle houses for the same price. This, in turn, caused a panic among traditionally blue-collar Seattleites, who were happy to sell their $75,000 places for $120K, but suddenly discovered it would cost them $130K to get a place they liked better. To give you an idea of what's happened here in the last dozen years...

In late 1990 I began renting a modest one-bedroom place on Magnolia Blvd, a nice part of town. That year the house was assessed at $100,400, within my range of making an offer on it. I was preparing an offer when the 1991 assessment came in, with the Feeding Frenzy Factor attached. The assessment exploded to $161,000. Needless to say, I could no longer afford to make an offer on the place. In late 1996 some people bought the house for $212,000! That means the same old funky house -- which needed 25 grand of deferred maintenance when I moved out in 1992 -- is now worth no less than $300,000 under the "40% Rule." That's a staggering 200% increase in 12 years. And that's f**king crazy!

So who's buying these places? Well, the other "ugly duckling" on my old Magnolia block was snapped up by a young doctor, who completely renovated it. He saw a "For Sale" sign in the window, and made the deal the very next day. Then there are the Microsofties, who, despite the dot-com crash, have cashed in big time. Wherever the money's coming from, you'd better have a lot of it if you expect to move to Seattle any time in the future. We're officially the Fourth Most Expensive City in America.
DSM Local

Ankeny, IA

#3 Jan 5, 2013
Myth 2
"The bluest skies I've ever seen are in Seattle."
Yeah, right. I guess that's what you call that pale, washed-out indigo tint that occasionally appears overhead. Look for it on the second weekend of July.(See Hot Flash! below.) Reality: While "normal" annual Seattle rainfall is only 38 inches (only???), the gray goes on forever. Kinda like a big sponge squeezing drops out one at a Chinese water torture, it never really goes away. Curiously, last year we had a drought that forced us to buy power from scumballs like Enron. That, in turn, forced utility rates up by 60%. City Light now admits it screwed up, and the City Council is threatening another round of rate hikes. This year, of course, rainfall is above average, snow pack is way huge, and hydro power is so plentiful that City Light can't unload all they have. And you know what that means. Btw, average number of clear Seattle days per year is approximately 50. That's 13.6% of the year. You have the other 315 days to frolic in the gray, gloomy, moldy mist. There's a reason it's always so green around here.

The winter of 1995-96 was a classic. We had two 100 Years Floods in the span of three months.(They're not making centuries like they used to.) There were ZERO/NADA/NO clear days at all in April, and rainfall was twice normal. On Mothers' Day the prediction was for 70 degrees and sunny. Torrential rains soaked the region all day, and Seattle's share was 1" in 24 hours. I know this doesn't seem like much to you people in Indiana and Missouri, but when your rains and floods are over the sky does clear up. Here it doesn't.

Even worse was the winter of 1996-97. Or so I heard. I saw it coming in November, when we were hit with extremely unusual cold and several inches of snow. By December 15, I was on a plane headed way south. Hah-hah! That's why I missed the coldest Seattle winter in 70 years! Imagine my delight, sipping a frosty cerveza in the 80-degree sunshine, and hearing reports of four feet of snow in Seattle. Sometimes life is even better than good.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!! Even worse than '96-'97 was the La Nina winter of 1999. Read it and weep, boyz and grrrlz: Between November 1998 and March 1999, Seattle experienced a record-breaking 93 straight days of rain! I know you think you didn't read me right so I'll repeat it: 93 STRAIGHT DAYS OF RAIN!!! Needless to say, new monthly rainfall records were set in November and January. Still wanna move here? Does your daddy own stock in Prozac?
DSM Local

Ankeny, IA

#5 Jan 5, 2013
At a glance
People who have left Seattle to "make it" because they couldn't get arrested here:
Ray Charles
Jimi Hendrix
The Brothers Four
Gail Davies
Kenny G
Robert Cray
Larry Coryell
Bruce Lee
Other wonderful Seattle idiosyncrasies:
Way too politically correct for its own good, or anyone else's.

Most movies about or featuring Seattle are shot in Vancouver, Canada. That included the first six seasons of X-Files and Millennium.

We had our largest earthquake in 52 years on Ash Wednesday of February 2001. This 6.9 monster was the worst to hit here since 1949. The REALLY Big One is expected any time, and local experts are recommending Seattle be upgraded to a Category Four (highest risk) earthquake zone.

Mt. Rainier, 90 miles south of Seattle, is destined to eventually blow its top ala Mt. St. Helens. Mt. Baker, 100 miles north, has been geologically active for more than 10 years. Ka-boom sometime soon, they say.

Washington State is reputed to have the most regressive tax system in America. Seattle's sales tax is 8.8%, 9.3% in restaurants. It'll be going up again soon, too, as the State, County and City all try to cope with the Bush Recession. The sales tax is high in New Orleans, too -- 9%. But the food is better, and you can get a drink after 10pm.

Seattle lost two of its all-time best music clubs, the Backstage and Moe's. Consistent with its incompetence of the late 80's, when it forced the closing of the Jolly Roger blues club, the Washington State Liquor Control Board shafted the Backstage. See, in Seattle, where the 1906 Blue Laws still haunt local consciousness, you can't drink hard liquor in a tavern. You can only get in it a licensed bar or restaurant, and to qualify as a restaurant you have to sell a certain percentage of food to booze. The day the Jolly Roger closed, it was 1% shy of the food sales requirement. The Backstage tried for eight months to get licensed. When the papers finally came through, it was too late. The club was losing money, the lease renewal was pending and the landlord said no.(He turned the place into a health club, like we needed another one of those around here.) These establishments join places like the Fabulous Rainbow, marquee showcases that have been driven out of business by greedy landlords and regulatory stupidity.

Cost of living in Seattle is one of the highest in the nation, and going up. A double latte and a muffin will eat up a $7 bill. And if the housing prices didn't scare you, wait til you spend $3.95 for a loaf of bread! With prices like these you might as well move to Maui.

Paul Allen spent more than $8.5 million to privately finance the June, 1997 election on Ref. 48, the football stadium issue. Even so, the final margin of victory was 51-49%, less than a field goal. With 1.5 million votes cast, that works out to about $11 per yes vote, but a 30,000 vote margin is hardly a ringing endorsement. The Kingdome, a perfectly functional building in a watery climate, was torn down to make way for the new all-outdoor battlefield. It was fun watching the Dome go boom in all of eight seconds, but we still owed $200 million on it. When sports millionaires are involved, money's no object. Well, mine isn't. There's is.
DSM Local

Ankeny, IA

#6 Jan 5, 2013
Paul Allen loves to play guitar and adores Jimi Hendrix. This is good. Paul Allen is built the Experience Music Project museum at Seattle Center to honor Jimi and other Northwest musicians. This is also good. The building design looks like something your dog barfed up. This is not good. But it is consistent. See next entry.

The Space Needle Corporation will do anything stupid if the price is right. You won't find a huge round of cheese hanging off the Eiffel Tower, but you couldn't miss the giant crab or the King Kong replica hanging off the Needle during various promotional stunts.

Seattle is a Scorpio city.(Well, that explains plenty!)

Bill Gates is now apparently the richest man in the Universe, with net worth of approximately $100 billion, depending on his post-dot-crash revaluation. Yeah, that's billion with a in Bill. And he's proving it by building a 50,000 square foot waterfront "home" on near-by Mercer Island. Hey, Bill, I own 36 shares -- can I crash at your pad?

The price of a single short latte at the University Village Starbucks is $2.50. It's 50 cents more for the identical Starbucks latte at Barnes & Noble's snack bar 100 feet away. BN sez it's because their main office in New York sets the prices and doesn't know anything about coffee in Seattle. Neither does Starbucks, judging from the way their roasts have gone downhill. But I guess New York is still worse.

The "Sleepless in Seattle" film crew forced everyone on Lake Union to suffer similar insomnia, as the fireworks scene was repeated countless times for two weeks in a 3:00 in the morning! Bang, the Empire State Building, Alice!

National rock acts have traditionally started their tours in Seattle, a place where they can work out the bugs, play lousy and still get standing ovations. P.S.: Grunge is dead.

Remember all that yak about what a great theater town Seattle is? Remember all your actor friends who moved out here from Minnesota so they could work? Too bad. Seattle theaters are dropping at a record rate, with several more closing their doors in the last year. No crowds = no money, honey. Where's the dough? Well, the fru-fru set has taken their bucks and moved to the trendy new symphony hall. They've also been frequently spotted at downtown's latest excuse for a mall, Pacific Place -- which is synonymous with the phrase "Wretched Excess." Oh dahling, I simply CAHN'T go jogging Green Lake without a new bracelet from Tiffany.
DSM Local

Ankeny, IA

#7 Jan 5, 2013
The city of Seattle refuses to use salt on its roads. The reason? It's bad for the environment.

They abide by the policy even though:

a. the state department of transportation uses salt across the state;
b. the salt can be processed through the sewage treatment centers;
c. the salty Puget Sound waters are right there as a natural receptacle.

Once or twice a year Seattle gets a major snowfall that requires salting. It's not Chicago where it's snowy and salted for six months. The amount is minimal, sufficient to assauge the concerns of even the staunchest greenies.

Unless they're in Seattle. In which case all bets are off.

Seattle's policy on plowing is, uh, also unique.

Their plows have rubber blades.

This is to minimize road damage.

But they don't actually scrape the ice. City directive is to compress the ice and snow to create driveability.

I am not making this up. The slick icy roads are by design.

There's more.

Seattle is quite hilly. The police prowlers are chained but cannot negotiate the slick slopes per policy. When they respond to calls, they park at the bottom of the hills and hike it.

'Tis the season to be thieving, fa la la la la la la la la, because Seattle has no policing, fa la la la la la la la la.

Where is public safety? Isn't that what King County taxpayers are paying for?
Oh well. That can be sacrificed but good lord! do not salt the roads.

Still not making this up.

Also: The city, with a population of more than half a million. has 27 plows, while nearby Portland, with half the population, has 56.

Every year Seattleites go wah wah wah, we're not prepared to explain its winter ineptness and citywide disasters.

The disaster isn't the weather, it's the brain power.

Just don't bother calling 911 emergency to report it. Unless you've got 50 minutes to spare. Double if you're on a hill.
DSM Local

Ankeny, IA

#8 Jan 5, 2013
Their are so many websites that hate seattle I', just going to stop here but their is literally a ton more
Sam Segal

Saint Paul, MN

#11 Jan 5, 2013
I have relatives there and everyone of them is barking-at-the-moon nutz!(even my 93 year old aunt)
And it has rained every time I've been there.
Amuxed Slew

Kent, WA

#12 Jan 5, 2013
There are ??? Funny, you losers can't afford it, so the successful folks MUST BE WRONG, right ?? LMAOROTFU~! Whatever you HAVE to tell yourselves....
Sam Segal

Saint Paul, MN

#13 Jan 5, 2013
Amuxed Slew wrote:
There are ??? Funny, you losers can't afford it,
Neither can you, basement dwelling, freeloading troll! LOL
Amused Slew

Kent, WA

#14 Jan 5, 2013
Whatever you HAVE to tell yourselves.... LMAOROTFU~!
Amused Slew

Kent, WA

#15 Jan 5, 2013
Sam Segal wrote:
I have relatives there and everyone of them is barking-at-the-moon nutz!(even my 93 year old aunt)
And it has rained every time I've been there.
Can't be rainy, TrashyLiar claimed foggy... Keep the "stories" straight.
Amused Slew

Kent, WA

#16 Jan 5, 2013
I LIKE people who post blogs as facts. They're obviously too stupid to do the actual writing and know the entire spiel is BS, but that way they're "not responsible" for the crap...

Except THEY were stupid enough to spread the stupid gossip, like old biddies...

Poor nannerpuss...

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