The Chronicles of Mitt: Oct 4, 2012
Posted in the Minneapolis Forum
#1 Oct 4, 2012
Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.
Success! This debate could not have gone better. I was not able to obtain any sleep the previous evening due to the noise of this nation's tremendous freight infrastructure, but given the results I have decided to cease all further sleep until after the election.
Sadly, I was not able to last the entire debate without firing someone. I believe I made it about half of the way, which would be a substantial improvement from my practice sessions, before mentioning to the moderator unit that I would be firing him. I also mentioned that I would be firing Big Bird, who is a beloved children's character on television, and in fact his entire network.
My staff was somewhat aggravated about this afterwards, as they had made it very clear to me that I was not to make any zinged statements about firing people, and the zinged statement about Big Bird had not been cleared by them beforehand. I explained to them that Big Bird is a bird and not a people, so that I had technically stayed within the allowed parameters. While I also told the moderator that he was fired, moderators are also not people. I am beginning to think my staff is getting too fussy about these things. Also, I have never liked Big Bird. That bird has never been the right height.
Sadly, the only zinged statement I was able to use was the one about firing the irritatingly large bird. The other zinged statements I suppose I shall save for later. Other than that, I am pleased that I was successfully able to avoid mentioning any policy details (I stated that mentioning my own policy details would not be bipartisan, and that politeness required that I refrain from discussing such things until after I have become president). There was also various other things mentioned, but none of them were particularly important, and I shall leave my staff to sort them out today. They seem to believe I have contradicted a large number of our past policy assertions, but Eric F. told them that they were stupid for being concerned about such things, because that is what debates are for.
I am looking forward to the next debate. During the foreign policy one, I believe I shall fire Canada. Canada is also not a people. I would fire Mexico, but the labor there is quite cheap, and I have been thinking of outsourcing some of our companies to them.
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