In an historic effort to further protect increasingly fragile NFL athletes, the NFL has decided to eliminate the barbaric practice of violent tackling in the sport. Players will now wear plastic flags on the field and the play will end when the ball carrier's flag is removed. Additionally, blocking must now be done without contact, similar to defensive play in basketball. Any 'contact' penalty will draw hefty fines from the league.
"We have made enough money in this sport," Says Minnesota Vikings owner Ziggy Wilf. "Its time to protect these poor men who have given so much of themselves to entertain us. I know that it will be impossible to fill the stadium from now on, but its really about player safety."
Many young quarterbacks have already applauded the move, staging a demonstration with several first team starters from ACC, Big 12, PAC 12 and SEC Division 1 teams. Most belong to the Gay Athletes Support System, or GASS as its lovingly referred to by it's dedicated members.
"The game is evolving! Weeeee!" Screamed one young quarterback as he applied his UCLA nipple pasties. "The days of sweaty, dangerous athletic competition are coming to an end. Yay!"
But not everyone is excited about this positive change to the sport. It has been widely reported that several players became ill after learning about the owner's recent vote and immediately retired, and NFL veteran Deacon Jones collapsed and has yet to be revived. Visitors to the grave of the late NFL legend Jack Tatum reported a strange 'mini earthquake', as if something large churned violently underground, beneath the players headstone.
Every NFL roster has been depleted by retiring players. San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York has already organized open try outs for next season and is advertising at several hot night clubs in the Bay area. Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has offered to mentor new players, as well as help them select outfits for tryout day.
"Yes, we are going to lose players. But we will find new ones. More exciting ones, with an appreciation for the safety of other men," says York. "We have to find guys that are more sensitive. I've always said so."
"I am so in favor of this, I am bursting. You just don't know. I mean, I really am excited," exclaimed Rodgers. "Its so, like, overdue, you know?"
Time will tell if this change will improve the game or weaken it. The owners have spoken, and the fans will have to decide now if the game will be worth the price of the ticket. For some, the excitement is only starting to grow.
ist reporting, Topix News.