Todays humor

[Will Not fly on a 787]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO PUBLIX

Yesterday I was at the Villages Publix buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

[Sam]

Which also explains why you urinate on the hydrant of Topix everyday. Nothing better to do.

[Sangelia]

Will Not fly on a 787 wrote:

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO PUBLIX
Yesterday I was at the Villages Publix buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Publix won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

I KNOW that one is a OLD one. been hearing it for decades.

[Will Not fly on a 787]

Sangelia wrote:

<quoted text>
I KNOW that one is a OLD one. been hearing it for decades.

Hey it's new to me.

If you know any other oldies but goodies feel free to share.

You get extra points for good non-political humor, elections are over and let's forget those stinkers until November 2014.

[Bushwhacker]

Yep. You're an old joke....

Which also explains why you urinate on the hydrant of Topix everyday. Nothing better to do.

[Sangelia]

Bushwhacker wrote:

Yep. You're an old joke....
Which also explains why you urinate on the hydrant of Topix everyday. Nothing better to do.

you are just a jealous old git.
.
jealous that I'm married to my husband, that I'm a mom, and that I'm able to stay at home. while my husband is the only breadwinner here. though I do sell some of the artwork I create. be it computer art, paintings, jewelry.
.
lets see, you are on here slamming everyone. I used to support some of your agreements. since I could see your side on them.
.
but when you turned on me like a rabid dog. I realized that those who were attacking you, they were correct in many ways about you. on what should be done with you.

[Will Not fly on a 787]

Sangelia wrote:

<quoted text>
you are just a jealous old git.
.
jealous that I'm married to my husband, that I'm a mom, and that I'm able to stay at home. while my husband is the only breadwinner here. though I do sell some of the artwork I create. be it computer art, paintings, jewelry.
.
lets see, you are on here slamming everyone. I used to support some of your agreements. since I could see your side on them.
.
but when you turned on me like a rabid dog. I realized that those who were attacking you, they were correct in many ways about you. on what should be done with you.

The Government willsoon be collevting any dangerous weapons from the slewer. His head ain't right.

[CRASSUS]

Sangelia wrote:

<quoted text>
you are just a jealous old git.
.
jealous that I'm married to my husband, that I'm a mom, and that I'm able to stay at home. while my husband is the only breadwinner here. though I do sell some of the artwork I create. be it computer art, paintings, jewelry.
.
lets see, you are on here slamming everyone. I used to support some of your agreements. since I could see your side on them.
.
but when you turned on me like a rabid dog. I realized that those who were attacking you, they were correct in many ways about you. on what should be done with you.

His head should be chopped off with a machete.

[CRASSUS]

Sangelia wrote:

<quoted text>
you are just a jealous old git.
.
jealous that I'm married to my husband, that I'm a mom, and that I'm able to stay at home. while my husband is the only breadwinner here. though I do sell some of the artwork I create. be it computer art, paintings, jewelry.
.
lets see, you are on here slamming everyone. I used to support some of your agreements. since I could see your side on them.
.
but when you turned on me like a rabid dog. I realized that those who were attacking you, they were correct in many ways about you. on what should be done with you.

You should be the one who deheads the Slew. Be it a machete, be it a samurai sword, be it an axe or many a pocket knife. Just get the job done.

[Bushwhacker]

Sangelia wrote:

<quoted text>
you are just a jealous old git.
.
jealous that I'm married to my husband, that I'm a mom, and that I'm able to stay at home. while my husband is the only breadwinner here. though I do sell some of the artwork I create. be it computer art, paintings, jewelry.
.
lets see, you are on here slamming everyone. I used to support some of your agreements. since I could see your side on them.
.
but when you turned on me like a rabid dog. I realized that those who were attacking you, they were correct in many ways about you. on what should be done with you.

I turned on your stupidity and it hasn't changed... You "think" you're special, but you're less than normal.

[Sangelia]

Bushwhacker wrote:

<quoted text>I turned on your stupidity and it hasn't changed... You "think" you're special, but you're less than normal.

I know I'm no special than anyone else. but I do have my own areas where I do shine. just like most others have their own areas they shine too.
.
on second thought you do too belong in having a area where you shine. as a rabid animal that needs to be put down.
.
go live in cuba where commies like you belong.

[Bushwhacker]

Poor weakling, your writing is SO CHILDISH !!!! LMAOROTFU~!

[Bushwhacker]

Shine the floor, with your face !!!

[Sangelia]

take a hike lil git.
.
as for shining. I'll do that by raising my daughter up with proper morals, knowledge on how to do things like cleaning the house, cooking, mending, etc...
.
besides being able to create works of art thru my own efforts.
.
plus lil git. you are one to speak of childishness with how you are acting on here. whining about stolen monikers. as well as other actions of your childishness is like.
.
even my eight year old daughter is much more better behaved than you are.

[Bushwhacker]

Yep. You're an old joke....

Which also explains why you urinate on the hydrant of Topix everyday. Nothing better to do.

[Will Not fly on a 787]

Bushwhacker wrote:

Yep. You're an old joke....
Which also explains why you urinate on the hydrant of Topix everyday. Nothing better to do.

Have YOU visted with a shrink?

Guess that's a stupid question, one sign of mental illness is the inability to judge when you are mentally ill, like YOU.

[Bushwhacker]

Guess(comma) one sign is implying you deserve an opinion, about strangers.... Or yourself, sicko.

[Bushwhacker]

Will Not fly on a 787 wrote:

<quoted text>
Have YOU visted with a shrink?
Guess that's a stupid question, one sign of mental illness is the inability to judge when you are mentally ill, like YOU.

Is a brtter sign.... asking stupid questions, like you JUST DID ??

[Bushwhacker]

Is a better sign.... asking stupid questions, like you JUST DID ??

[Will Not fly on a 787]

Bushwhacker wrote:

Is a better sign.... asking stupid questions, like you JUST DID ??

Have YOU visted with a shrink?

Guess that's a stupid question, one sign of mental illness is the inability to judge when you are mentally ill, like YOU.