Senator Ted Kennedy died too peacefully several years ago after escaping the law in regard to a disgraceful involuntary manslaughter case from 1968. API News has just learned that the Senator is still dead.
In 1968 he deliberately left a woman to die in a car he drunkenly drove off a bridge and then attempted to cover up the crime, only contacting police over 10 hours after the woman had died (leaving the corpse to rot in the river). He was buried among America's war heroes.
Secretary of State John Kerry, holding back tears, once said: "He came from perhaps one of the most corrupt and depraved political families in American history. I mean, they could literally get away with murder they had so much money. I'll deeply miss him."
Along both sides of the aisle Senators who truly valued the Kennedy method of "bullshit talks our illegal money walks" once paid tribute to this lion of a man (he was estimated to be almost 100 lbs overweight).
Richard Durbin said, "Sure Fitz Kennedy (grandfather) was run out of office in Boston and should have died in jail. Sure Joe Kennedy (father) amassed a fortune by smuggling illegal liquor into the country and was a terrible anti-semite who supported Hitler. Sure JFK escalated the Cold War and got us into the Vietnam War and sure Edward Kennedy was a vulgar alcoholic and fat womanizer who never worked a day in his life. This is the American dream."
President Obama later said: "He was magnificent! We'll perhaps never see a man or a family so bamboozle the American people or history again. I'm doing it, but not as well. And this funeral gives me, as a gay man, another opportunity to let the general public see how trim and sexy I am when I make a speech and don't you know I love making speeches! Here's the first line I wanna go with:'When you think of the Kennedys you can only shake your head and say, wow, how the fuck did this happen?'"
Before dying, the disgustingly obese Senator penned a thoroughly ridiculous autobiography in a desperate attempt to salvage some kind of legacy despite years of self indulgence. In that work he falsely claimed that his brother's Vietnam policy would have been different from Johnson's. The portly Senator and ex-murderer, who was once suspended from Harvard for cheating, failed to acknowledge that his brother was responsible for the deaths of 50,000 Americans and 1,000,000 Vietnamese.