What I Learned Watching TV
Posted in the Miami Forum
#1 Apr 3, 2013
1. Police and military forces are comprised of a 50/50 split between males and females.
2. The males are deep-thinking and weigh out the moral implications of every action.
3. The women are 90 lbs super models, yet are the most rugged street fighters amongst their squad units capable of beating up trained international assassins regardless of being outweighed by a good 140 lbs.
4. Barack Obama and gay marriage are overwhelming popular regardless of the fact that I really don't know a single person who is truly a big fan of either.
5. You are a communist if you don't want the government to give money and economic planning authority to an elite class because the elite class is big business (so it can't be all that bad).
6. Wearing nerd glasses makes one smart and sophisticated, regardless of the fact that the type of person who wears nerd glasses tends to be dumb ass ghetto kids.
7. It's ok to carry guns and kill animals if you're a registered Democrat.
8. It's ok to be gay if you're a registered Republican.
9. It's ok to break the law if you're sneaking into the country and bilking entitlements.
10. It's ok to take entitlements, but only if you're a rich white guy.
11. Smoking cigarettes is the most grievous sin that can be committed against society.
12. Smoking marijuana is a spiritual experience, even though we don't believe in ghosts.
13. Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich are still relevant political figures even though no one wears Jnco's anymore.
14. We need more shows with forensic investigators and more movies based on comic books.
15. Americans love expressing their passionately-held opinions at mass protests that just so happen to fit into convenient political lines like Tea Party or Occupy.
16. Everyone takes social media seriously.
17. Afghanistan and Iraq never happened; Rambo went back and won the Vietnam War for us in the 80s. Our military might is not to be minded.
18. What ESPN needs is more unathletic guys yapping away and emotional human interest stories.
19. Wil Farrell and friends are really funny.
20. It's a good idea to name your daughter Dakota or Piper after your two favorite US states you can't locate on a map or skirt-wearing professional wrestler from the 80's.
#2 Apr 3, 2013
21. African-Americans are dumb and will blindly agree with whatever the Democratic Party decrees just as long as its Barack Obama relaying the message.
22. African-Americans forgive you for the hundreds of years of slavery, oppression, bigotry, and violence because you voted for Barack Obama.
23. Great way to meet women: awful smelling body washes like Axe.
24. People attend speed-dating events because the Internet didn't happen 20 years ago.
25. Public money for Dolphin Stadium is a great idea especially after we got duped with Marlins Park.
26. Loud-mouthed slobs like Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly are true conservatives and highly entertaining.
#3 Apr 4, 2013
1. People really cared what Roger Ebert had to say, or even remembered him from the 80's.
2. It's ok to be obnoxious, as long as you're gay.
3. Christianity is dead. People instead idolize Mexican socialists from the 1960's.
4. Retirement-aged women look great in skimpy outfits and Botox.
5. Tattoos are ever a great idea.
6. I can only be happy if I spend my money buying all the crap my favorite celebrities tell me to buy.
7. We should ban firearms even though the vast majority of firearm owners are law-abiding citizens.
8. We should legalize drugs even though drug users are all law breakers.
9. We will all melt because of global warming or freeze over because of global cooling (we're not sure yet) unless we give Al Gore everything he wants.
10. Marriages aren't meant to last more than two years maximum.
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