Insight from someone that's in a dark place
Posted in the Mason Forum
#1 May 7, 2014
I find it easier to vent out thru this thing than on facebook or to family, posted a few others post before this as well on the military thing, my intentions here are to use my situation to try and reach other and help someone else right now cause this world is dark.
I will first say I been suicidal, held a pistol in my mouth in 2008 alone in my apartment and thought about shooting my self, only thing that stopped me was being afraid of messing up and not getting it done right the first time with my luck. I deliberately drove way over the speed limit a few times hoping to fly off the road out in the rual areas. I was deployed to Iraq and Afghan, now Im not some vet that was some fucking hero killing a million insurgents, its not bout that. I was afraid 90 percent of the damn time outside the wire my first deployment and excited at the same time. most time it was boring with sporadic periods of fucked up shit. Over my deployments I seen people over there die. Lost 4 friends over 10 years over there that were close to me and that I miss. Helped me grow one way or another, like YN2 Cook aka Cookie, got my first article 15 for drinking under age in 2005 and Public intoxication, he sat there and talked to me bout chaning my direction and became like my older brother in the military and saved my career then blue to green happened and we all switched over to the Army, of course I lost touch with them guys but found out he was killed in Iraq, lost others I met in the army that were just good people.
I let this turn me towards drinking, plus seeing the shit over there made me loose touch with people here and family, picked up drinking more, stayed in tho, 2008 come home to find out that my dad died of Lung cancer, my sister has brain cancer, my mom is about to loose the house and trying to help take care of my sisters kids cause she sick, my ex wife cheating on me while I was deployed and moved the guy in to my place in Virginia beach when I was in Iraq, dealing with losing friends I lost and shit I seen, I tried everything to help them, I re enlisted even tho I didn't really want to and Im still in today. I became suicidal, and gave up, was wore out and beat down in my 20's but felt old as fuck.
I use to love just helping people that really needed it. One time a family lost all their belongings in a accident with their RV going to Mississippi to a family members funeral and at this point I just lost my dad, I took all the money I had on me and got them a hotel room, got them food, and drove them and got them a rental car, the grand father cried and asked why and I said I could do something good atleast. They tried finding me and sent letters to my mom with money and everything but I would mail the money back every time.
I fight depression every day, I stopped seeing the good in people and lost all trust in them and I treat everyone the same, as an enemy to me but then I started feeling worse for that. I am seeing a doctor, my sister made it, my mom kept the house, and I say that with tears cause how fucking hard that time period was, but you know what the message is here, the ones of you I see on drugs, shit like that with your kids around, you say pitty me all the time, you know I could have done that too but I didn't.
Matter afact today for example, a girl was at the grocery store and she had food on the counter, well her EBT card didn't work and she looked embarrassed, her kids were running around in the isle and her oldest boy had this look like he knew what was wrong. she said it's ok Ill put it all back, I laid my debit card out and said nah, I got it, and paid for her groceries. She cried and asked why, I said because you would do the same for me if I was in your shoes.
Instead of being selfish bout your self, help others..... Think bout that. We all know what's right and wrong. This song struck it out of me, out of all songs it was this, https://www.youtube.com/watch ...
#2 May 7, 2014
Matter afact going to start going around once a week and helping someone in desperate need, not telling them who I am or anything, how it should be no self interest.
#3 May 7, 2014
Noble. Good luck in your endeavors.
#4 May 7, 2014
Thank you for serving brother.I know how things can fall apart quickly in life.I have to be honest, you'll never forget all the things that have happened...but you can try to learn to live with them without slowly self destructing.I have never served...but I have lost friends over there and live with their loss every day..God Bless you for helping others in need..thats says alot about who you are.I hope life gets better for you brother.
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