OMG Too Funny!

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“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#105
Sep 28, 2012
 
Temporary insanity is simply a state of mind; kinda like believing Mutt Romney has a chance of being elected President. Now THATS funny!

“GeneRey@Juno.Com”

Since: May 07

Lockport, NY

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#106
Jan 23, 2013
 

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A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married menů
One for January, one for February, one For March......." :D

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#107
Mar 12, 2013
 

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BLOND JOKES;

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says,'What's the story?'
He replies,'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks,'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts,'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor..'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said,'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said,'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said,'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back,'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said,'We were the first in space!'
The American said,'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said,'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,'We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked,'Is it on or off?'

Dog names
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?''HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.'They're watch dogs'!

FINALLY,THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!!!

G'Day all!

“GeneRey@Juno.Com”

Since: May 07

Lockport, NY

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#108
Mar 19, 2013
 

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Had to share this email I got;

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama...

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a f arm, is playing in the
field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone,that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...
and you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher fainted!
Stacey E Lemmon

Marshville, NC

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#109
Mar 23, 2013
 

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That last one about little johnny was great...LOL

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#110
Mar 26, 2013
 

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Copied from he computer;

How do you say lesbian in Chinese?
Too kin chew!

Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course?
He was playing with too many strokes!

Why don't gay men fake orgasms?
Because they will be in deep doo doo if they don't!

What do gay men call hemorrhoids?
Speed bumps!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy!

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fudge him real hard and then wipe it off on his curtains!

What do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a gay guy?
A snowblower!

How do you know you're in a gay amusement park?
They pass out gerbils in the tunnel of love.

Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly?
They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerater?
A fidge doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it!

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#111
Apr 1, 2013
 

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The BEST April fools joke of ALL TIME:

DOOOOOOOOOOOK!

ROFLMO!
JohnHamhock

Waxhaw, NC

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#112
Apr 2, 2013
 

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luvnut wrote:
Temporary insanity is simply a state of mind; kinda like believing Mutt Romney has a chance of being elected President. Now THATS funny!
WORST thing that could have happened to the country is for the kenyan to be re elected. IF he really was. It has always been, whoever won the independents, wins the election. Romney won them, and in a pretty big way.

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#113
Feb 7, 2014
 

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Blonde Yankee's;

Up north there was a blonde girl following a snow plow for quite awhile, turning, backing up now and then and then turning some more. This went on for awhile and finally the plow driver stopped and walked back to the girl, asking "what are you doing"? She explained that her father told her if she ever got lost in a snowstorm to follow a plow truck if she saw one. The plow driver said "Maam, I understand but just so you know, I'm done plowing the parking lot here at Walmart and I'm heading over to KMart".

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#114
Feb 7, 2014
 

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Yes, you can take a boy to a cat house but you can't make him get his dinky stinky.

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#115
Mar 3, 2014
 

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Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#117
Apr 2, 2014
 

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VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
>
>
>
>
> John O 'Reilly hoisted
> his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
> me
> Life, between the legs of me wife !"
>
> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
> the night !
>
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
> for the Best
> toast of The night."
>
> She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
> toast?" "
>
> John said, "Here's
> to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
> beside me wife."
>
> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
> buddies on the
> street Corner.
>
> The man chuckled leeringly
> and said, "John won the prize the
> other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>
> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
> myself. You
> know, he's only been in there twice in the last four
> years.
> Once I had to pull him by the
> ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
> asleep".

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#118
Apr 2, 2014
 
A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot
> had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
>
> ''As soon as I clock off'' he
> said,''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and
> then screw the ass off that blonde flight
> attendant.''
>
> The horrified flight attendant made a dash
> toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.
>
> A little old lady sitting there whispered,
> ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was
> going to have a beer first.''

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#119
Apr 2, 2014
 
The Will
>
>
>
> Doug Smith is on his deathbed and
> knows the end is near.
>
>
> His nurse, his wife, his daughter
> and 2 sons, are with him.
>
>
> So, he says to
> them:
>
>
> "Bernie, I want you to take
> the Mayfair houses."
>
>
> "Sybil, you take the
> apartments over in the east end."
>
>
> "Jamie, I want you to take
> the offices over in the City
> Centre."
>
>
> "Sarah, my dear wife, please
> take all the residential buildings on the banks of the
> river."
>
>
> The nurse is just blown away by
> all this, and as Doug slips away, she
>
>
> says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband
> must have been such a hard-working man to
> have accumulated all this
> property".
>
>
> Sarah replies, "Property ?
> .... the asshole had a paper
> route!"

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#120
Apr 4, 2014
 

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The BEST jokes EVER will always be Marshville Knight and Citizen19 though! Pure pond scum!
Back to work...later!

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#121
Apr 28, 2014
 

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A blonde goes to an international message center to call her
> mother. When the man tells her it will be $300, she
> exclaims, "I don't have that kind of money, but
> I'll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
>
> He tells the blonde to follow him and takes her into a back
> room. He unzips his pants and takes out his penis. The
> blonde gets on her knees, brings it toward her mouth and
> says, "Hello? Mom?"

“Seeking reality & civilization”

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#122
May 30, 2014
 
Little April was not the best student in Sunday
> school.
> Usually she slept through the class.
>
> One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
> "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
>
> When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in
> the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
> "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher
> said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
>
> A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord
> and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her
> slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her
> again.'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the
> teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to
> sleep.
>
> Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What
> did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third
> child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This
> time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT
> FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF
> AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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