Open letter to my EX. Please, Connie ...

Open letter to my EX. Please, Connie read this. I want you back.

Posted in the Marion Forum

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Dan the Man

Burnsville, NC

#1 Dec 6, 2012
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Dan the Man

Burnsville, NC

#2 Dec 6, 2012
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is.

Love, Dan

United States

#3 Dec 7, 2012
What the f**k?!

Morganton, NC

#4 Dec 7, 2012
You poor, poor man. I feel your pain, dude.
I am just thankful you have found a few good friends(and family) to help you through this hard time.

United States

#5 Dec 7, 2012
I cried dude! I did, and just as soon Connie pays her crack bill back in the bedroom with the rest of the outlaws we will let her come back to ya. Oh you may want to buy her a big ole tube of toothpaste and a gallon or 2 of mouth wash if ya know what I more thing a 55 gallon drum of summers eve Prolly wouldn't hurt either!!!

Burnsville, NC

#6 Dec 7, 2012
yadayadayada wrote:
I cried dude! I did, and just as soon Connie pays her crack bill back in the bedroom with the rest of the outlaws we will let her come back to ya. Oh you may want to buy her a big ole tube of toothpaste and a gallon or 2 of mouth wash if ya know what I more thing a 55 gallon drum of summers eve Prolly wouldn't hurt either!!!
He needs a pair of those majicunderwear for himself. Heard you can get them in burnsville 50% off.

Burnsville, NC

#7 Dec 7, 2012
This totally had me rolling! LMAO...
bad azz

Mars Hill, NC

#8 Dec 7, 2012

“You can't handle the truth!”

Since: Nov 12

Location hidden

#9 Dec 8, 2012
I have to admit this is pretty funny. Bravo,Dan,

Marion, NC

#10 Dec 8, 2012
lmao, dan ur my hero, been there before bro..

Cumming, GA

#11 Dec 8, 2012
Hey Dan Babeee! Wazzop!?!

He bro! Been wondrein' when you'd be hittin' me up on this hot muffin o yours. Yeah babee, she be fly! Oh honey, she defIn At Lee be showin her true colors now! Yasser!
Dude, I'm tellin you that the only time her feet ain't been up the air is when she be doin it like the doggy! Woof WooF!
An you talk about dat mirror? Son, she done gone WAY past that. This freaky chick done SWALLOWED A VIDEO CAMERA so's we can see the action FROM THE INSIDE OUT!
Good God, this beeatch be FreakY!woopwoop!

Mostly tho, what counts is she's makin me Lots O Money! And Everybody(and I do mean EvErYbOdY) is havin lottsa fun! So you juss hang loose, my bruthuh. I be sendin yo skank back home soon enough.
...sure I will.

In closing, Who Luvvvs Ya Babeee?
and You Owes Me Moneys Beeeatttch!

“The Original PB”

Since: Jul 12

Asheville, NC

#12 Dec 8, 2012
my hats off to you dan, you made me laugh my azz off,i hope you keep her updated on how your doing more often.
mr perfect

Marion, NC

#13 Dec 9, 2012
That is

Burnsville, NC

#14 Dec 10, 2012
True Love......

Marion, NC

#15 Dec 10, 2012
poor mr mckinney
Dan the Man

Barnardsville, NC

#17 Dec 16, 2012
So me and the old lady are history. I went to Asheville yesterday and met a celebrity. Y'all ain't gonna believe what happened next.
Dan the Man

Barnardsville, NC

#18 Dec 16, 2012
Stay tuned.
Funny Money

Barnardsville, NC

#20 May 28, 2013
Too Funny.Still waiting for an update.
Dan the Man

Burnsville, NC

#22 Mar 26, 2014
I still miss her.

Marion, NC

#23 Mar 26, 2014
Lmao this made me laugh so hard

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